post by Alicenotichains "craving"

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I am writing this title because I need to get something off my chest.

I only lasted a few months in the refuge where I stayed, then out of the blue, after telling the ladies at the refuge I was thinking of going back on x day, I suddenly woke up one morning, prepared my cuppa and went to meet a lady who always woke up early too and who always had a cigarette on the outside bench in the garden. I told her i wanted to leave on that day instead, and all she could say (she had just smoked weed) was “you do what you’ve got to do”.

I told all the other girls who then joined us in the garden, one after the other, hoping they would all gang together and pin me down to force me to stay. The problem was that in my mind I had worked out how I would manage to cope with being back, I would display masses of resilience, the power to observe my husband and not react while working on my inner sense of protective sarcasm and power of observation. If he wanted to act stupid, I would let him and not join in in the game of action-reaction.

No one told me to stay. I started feeling overwhelmed by this urge to leave. The refuge staff were busy, as on some days their duties involved days out for outreach work and training etc. I basically saw no one around. I felt alone and like a prisoner wanting to escape their attention, simply slipping out of the refuge while no one was looking.

No one did look, or so i thought. But I managed to pack my car, carrying my belongings to my car on several trips up the stairs and into the car park. Still no one stopped me. I cleaned my room, bleached the bathroom, hoovered, left everything in a perfect state, ready for the next lady who would live in that room, room number 1…

I gave a lot of my stuff to my refuge friends, toiletries, food, clothes etc. They were grateful. I had everything sorted, right down to my work uniform (I had started a job two weeks before I left), hoping that before going away and facing the frightening humiliation of telling my employer I was leaving and why, a dv worker would pin me down when I divulged I was ready to go. I was hoping I would receive a good long chat and receive emotional help I guess. So my uniform was the last thing left on my bed, as a sign that I needed to stay and carry on working at that beautiful place (can’t say where I worked).

I was in the kitchen finishing telling the girls what to help themselves with from the food I was leaving when the refuge manageress came up asking me if I was going to take part in the arts and crafts activity. I answered no, because I was leaving. She seemed shocked then ran down the stairs and I never saw her again. Then way later a dv worker came saying she had heard I was going and I asked her to come and check my room was clean. She did check, not saying a thing. She took the keys I handed to her and i went to say goodbye to the girls. All the staff members were busy in an important meeting and couldn’t come and see me. But the dv worker who took my keys said “you we’re half way there”. I ignored her remark, I didn’t want to listen, I was ready to go. No one was going to stop me.

Well, the rest is history. Months later and my family endured more and more, even while I was away from the house for x. Shocking stuff.

Now I’m getting to the point…i woke up one recent morning and felt I needed to go home from the place I sorted for myself. I just woke up feeling like i was missing my kids so much, my home, etc. Most of all I was missing my normal life so much, being a mum, being there with and for my kids. I felt like my life had been stolen from me by him. He was winning and I was loosing. I cant explain the exact details of what followed recently but after receiving mails from him, containing all the things a wife and mother needs to hear and know, I felt drawn back to square one, like I am the one who needs to try and give him a chance, the benefit of the doubt that he has changed.

I am at the point where I still think of all the qualities he has and I feel like all the abuse has disappeared, vanished, forgotten. My brain is empty and I am drawn back. I cant stop acting the same way as when I left the refuge, a sudden urge to come back, and a strong wish not to allow him to make me loose all that is precious to me, my family.

So tonight in order to find posts on what I am feeling, I found the one written by Alicenotichains, and I feel exactly like her. I crave my normal life, what I know as normal. I want everyone off my back and i want to go back.

I have already been in touch with him, done normal things with him, meals etc. The kids have been with us and one of them has made a comment to try and keep me in the family home for longer, inviting me to do x and thanking me for allowing these family moments to come back.

In the meantime I am disappointing my friends and they are not happy. I ignore.

Up until a few days ago, just watching YouTube videos on abuse and reading about it or looking at my notes would have been enough to keep me away from him. But it’s definitely not working any more. It really isn’t.

I wrote a post about hoovering but now I feel like a stupid fraud for going against what I wrote and against all the support I received from ladies on the forum.

I feel ashamed of my weakness but I cant stop myself. I want to go home and that feeling is torturing me.

Plus one of my children is not doing well at all. He needs emotional help. That makes me upset, I feel I need to be there for him.

I am sorry, I am not proud of myself. I feel stupid and stubborn, just like in the refuge. I just can’t stop wanting to go back and face whatever comes. I am joining the ranks of all those who break no contact and/or simply go back. I don’t know whether to believe him or not…i keep thinking it’s worth a try…

Sorry 🙁

[Twisted Sister]

Dear dear BridgetJonesisfree

You are trying to deal with most of the most devastating and heart-breaking experiences in life, and need to be kind to yourself. You walked away, again, and again, for good reasons, believe in them, but its really so natural to feel that pull back to what you are used to and come to crave for, especially where your own children are involved and you being in refuge keeps you from them.

I wish you were telling us he was sorry, not you hun.

You don’t know whether you believe him or not, and thats sufficient doubt to err on the side of caution to protect yourself and be involved with your children but not him, if thats what you feel would be best.

Its such a shame that noone was available to give you additional support, but i believe Refuge wouldn’t be there to tell you how to live your life, but to encourage you to feel strong in yourself and grow in confidence in yourself, whilst making your safety (physical and mental) of paramount importance to you.

I couldn’t read your post and not respond. You are certainly not stupid, you talk of the torture of being without your children, especially knowing that one is in such need is enough to pull any mum strongly.

have you spoken with the national helpline? you might find it helps to talk through your thoughts when you didn’t get the opportunity before?

do keep posting, and try to support yourself rather than be hard on what you are trying to achieve and already have in getting away before. There are many that have returned many times.. please be safe and take care of you.

warmest wishes ks xx

[Alicenotichains]

Hi B,

It sounds like you are really going through a painful time. I am having DV counselling at the moment. My cravings have subsided now I am back at work and I have tried to focus on the rational reasons why I left him.
I know that my cravings are a deception that my mind is playing on itself, I am treating them like the cravings I had when I gave up cigarettes.
My counsellor said that in a way it’s like my abuser has got inside me and placed lots of little hooks, as I try to get him out the hooks are pulling and causing me all sorts of pain.
This weekend hurt, physically, I felt like a zombie. To add to the mix abuser 1 phoned me and attempted a Hoover. We have kids together but he has lost all his power over me now so the Hoover attempt just fell flat and I think he felt a bit silly as I spoke in grey rock, dead voice.
Abuser 2 is currently leaving my system- it is painful but I think he would have killed me if we had stayed together. He tried the charm and the “I love you”, how can you do this? how can you throw away what we had?? but I then refer to my memories of the things he did- the verbal and emotional abuse, the physical assaults and the fact that social services will take my kids away if I start back a relationship with him again and I just think I can’t do that to myself again- I think I deserve better.
I think the cravings will come again and last year I did get overwhelmed and went back- I felt so ashamed and I lied to my close friends and family which made me hate myself – when i did but the abuse started again within a couple of days and then I hated myself even more. His remorse vanished as soon as he knew I was back.
Keep being kind to yourself, nobody can tell you what to do but have faith that you will get there and that none of this was ever your fault. Cxxx

[Alicenotichains]

My counsellor also said about the time I went back “I put it to you that that was not your choice”- suggesting that I was being manipulated and controlled into returning.
That helped me also- I realised that he had taken control of my mind- I am going to fight now to get that control back but it’s not easy. I hope I make it this time. X*x

[White Rose]

Dear Bridget
Can you think of another way? I hate to think of you going back to what you desperately wanted to leave but if that’s what you choose do you’ll still get support and replies from me when you need it.
Please, if you do go back, keep safe and keep in contact, ask for support from helpline and local wonens aid and keep the strength you’ve gained. Please don’t become a statistic please look after yourself and your children.
Much love x*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

Its good you posted about your feelings of being drawn back onto the cycle of abuse with him. We can all be tempted thinking it wasn’t that bad. Your feelings are part of the recovery phase. Sit with these feelings ‘of being drawn back’ into the merry-go-round of abuse. Post. post and post about these ‘feelings’. Write them out as much as you need. Just for today don’t act on these ‘feelings’.

Get your calendar out and mark day 1 for today that you didn’t act on ‘these feelings’. The tomorrow don’t act on ‘these feelings’ and mark day 2. Continue like this for a month. Simultaneously decide from this moment on to go ‘No Contact’ with him. Mark the calendar day 1 today if you mange no phone contact or seeing him.

Can you tell us why it feels so hard to:

-to block him on your phone
-to stop going to your family home and meet your teenagers outside the family home.

I hope I’m not coming across in an unsympathetic way by repeating the tactics of blocking him and not seeing him but maybe if you post why you feel you can’t do this we can help you and share our experiences with you.

These feelings you are posting about are really helping us on the Forum so please keep posting. We are exploring in depth ‘the pull’ and how we are drawn back into hopping back unto the cycle of abuse. You will have helped a lot of ladies by having the courage and the humility to post the truth of how you’re feeling.

So I’m repeating myself but Bridget ‘blocking him’ and ‘not going to the family home’ for 1 month, can we help you do this tactic.

If you would employ this strategy of block and not seeing him you would start to feel much better and stronger in yourself.

But whatever you can or cannot do keep posting for support.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Oh Bridge, I want to give you a big hug and tell you how freaking amazing you have been. You’ve come so far.

Are you really going back for him or for the kids? Are you absolutely 100% sure there’s no way it can be just you and the kids (without him?)

Please please speak to a solicitor before you do this.

(Removed by moderator). 

Have you spoken to WA? Have you had any counselling since you left?

Sorry for the bombardment of questions xx

[Serenity]

Whatever you decide to do, we are all
here for you.

Please don’t think that if you go back, you can’t keep posting, to share and get any support you might need. Xx

[Author]

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