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Hi everyone,
I’ve had a bad few days mentally, as though I’m still stuck in my own mind.
I’ve done all the research possible, got great support and I’m fully aware that I was abused by my ex, which is why he is in prison.
I still can’t help but miss him, I feel so silly and embarrassed by these feelings and thought as I know how much risk he is to myself and my children but I still want him!
I’d never go anywhere near him again but I don’t know if it is knowing this that makes me grieve him more.He was very emotionally abusive towards me and physically violent and has left me in some horrible states in the past… why am I over looking these times in my mind and thinking maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me so bad?
Why am I being missing him so much?
Why does everything I’m doing remind me of him?I never wanted things to be this way, I know there’s nothing I can do to change it, I tried everything.
Was it so terrible what he did?
Or was I just a drama queen like he said?I’m riding the wave at the moment, trying to keep on a brave face. This is hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop x
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It’s not him you miss it’s the good times and the way he made you feel. Which is why we stay through the most horrendous abuse, it’s an addiction. He wore a mask during those times as the real him is a nasty self serving dangerous worthless individual and you need to know that we are everything without them and they are nothing without us. Just keep taking those baby steps x be your own best friend x this too shall pass x
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Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas is a great book. Yes it was horrendous what he did that’s why he’s in prison. Imagine him doing it to yourself mum sister or friend. We minimise abuse as a way of coping mentally. Abusers are pathological liars but their lies cut deep because we are good decent people. Calling you a drama Queen is minimising his actions. I used to get told I was too sensitive. So they hurt us then blame us. Mind blowing gaslighting. It’s gonna take a while for your brain to unpick those abusive elements like a big ball of knotted wool but you will get there x
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He did mean to hurt you – he meant all of it. And he’s in prison for good reason.
You were not a drama Queen and it was terrible what he did.
No one deserves to be emotionally abused or have violence toward them, especially by someone who claims they love you. You deserve to be respected, loved, understood and cared for and to feel safe with the person you are with. Anything less than any of those things is wrong.
These are all normal feelings you are having whilst you are in the healing process, sending big hugs xx
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I totally understand this. I am no contact, police investigation, I am fully aware of the abuse, but still have moments of sadness, missing him and images of (rare) good times popping into my head. Its horrible as makes you doubt yourself.
It is like withdrawing from an addiction. There will be pangs and memory flashes, but the good times were an illusion, buttering you up to be more vulnerable and acquiescent.
You have been incredibly strong, going through court. Remember how pleased you were when you had the strength to stand up against him in court?
You have totally done the right thing. You are not a drama queen. He has behaved appallingly to you. He does not deserve you and you deserve much much better.
You are doing really well and over time this will all fade although raw now.
Put yourself and your children first. You are worth so so much more than he can ever give you.
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