Question about guilt, belief and trusting yourself.

[nbumblebee]

Hi,

So i have a question to ask.

Do any of you feel guilty over things that are out of your control? Do you doubt yourself? Do you maybe think sometimes you are over thinking, putting things on?

I doubt everything i do and say i worry all the time about others and if ive offended or hurt them.

I doubt myself, how i feel, thinking im putting things on im making myself poorly or im just attention seeking? One day i feel i can take on the world the next day i dont wanna open my eyes. My husband has been fine but Ive been feeling so very poorly drs have yet found whats wrong so im doubting it is anything, maybe im looking for something to be wrong instead of trying to be happy?

I have horrible thoughts about myself about not wanting to be here anymore about how im just tired, rotten, but then other days i love my job my husband even and i wanna save the world!!!

Its just weird and i wondered if i am alone in this or if this is due to being hurt being here still.

 

Thanks x

[Firsttimedivorcee]

It sounds like you’re finding it difficult to understand what has happened and accept it. Your feelings are valid, your feelings are real.

My husband was n**********c. I see that now clearly but I often thought, is it me that’s the narc and I’m pushing that belief on to him? It is normal. It will take time to get out of the guilt and the sadness.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Yeah maybe I am I just doubt everything and I wish i didnt.

I over think over worry over complane and i dont wanna be this person but yet I dont know how to stop xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I feel the same sometimes. When I go out into the world and start doing things though, I feel way better, even though it really scares me. I think that the trauma is real and we are badly damaged, but, I also think that this can act like a leg-hold trap holding us back. Even if it’s only tiny try and make a step forward every day toward the life you want. Doing changes things.

[Texas]

Hi

I understand how you are feeling.  It’s not nice is it.  If you are not used to it, it is hard learning to be kind to yourself.  See this as an opportunity to do just that.

When you have a negative thought about yourself, write it down.  Then, when you are feeling ready to take on the world, read that thought and write down all the evidence against it.  Then when you have that thought again, you can read the evidence to help you challenge that thought.

The other thing you can do when you feel on top of the world is to write a letter to yourself with compassion and comforting words, like you would write to a friend if they were doubting themselves.  Then when you feel insecure, you can read that to.

Not sure if these will help but worth a try.

 

[NotYourMaid]

@nbumblebee

I’m kind of the same way. I too have strong mood changes. One moment I feel great, like I can take everything on, and everything will be fine, and yes, even wanting to save the world. Like, I daydream of getting a job where I can help others. And the next moment, I feel… overwhelmed by darkness: like there is no hope, like I will never escape my husband, like he will lose interest in me and cast me out, and I will be homeless, starving and unable to find help.

I too overthink things. My family used to gently tease me about it.

But the thing that helped with the overthinking, was, after I realized my husband was abusive, I bought the kindle version Why Does He Do That? It’s a really good book on abuse. In the book, it talked about women’s intuition. It made it sound like we’ve got a built in radar that let’s us know when something is wrong. The problem is, we don’t always pay attention to this radar, instead, we doubt ourselves.

I decided to stop doubting myself. I’m trying to rely more on my overthinking. If I’m overthinking that a situation with my husband will be bad, that means that I’m going to prepare as if my worst case scenario really will happen. If it doesn’t happen, great! If it does happen, then, at least I was ready, right?

So far, I don’t regret it. It’s actually helping a lot. Overthinking, in an abusive or intense situation, can help you. It can be a survival technique.

[NotYourMaid]

Don’t feel bad about overthinking things. Your subconscious is just trying to keep safe.

[Firsttimedivorcee]

It isn’t easy to just stop overthinking. Sometimes in relationships where you’ve had to take a leading ‘role’, you take on responsibilities and therefore ‘think’ more. Likewise, some just overthink.

Also, we as humans seek ‘comfort’ of the familiar even if the familiar isn’t good to us. Be kind to yourself. As some users suggest, journal. It might help in organising your thoughts, identifying key themes etc.

[tiredofitall]

When I was still married I was exhausted by all the thinking that I did.  I spent hours thinking about how to raise a topic with him, what do cook, when to wash up – you name it, I thought all around it because I wanted to avoid setting him off, avoid him getting into a mood and going on at me.  If he did get moody and I responded, I thought about what I should have done to avoid that.  If I hadn’t reacted then maybe we would have had a good day etc.   That went on for so many years that I began to feel despair because nothing I did or said seemed to be right.  He told me many times that I wasn’t smart enough to engage in intelligent conversations with him, that I had no spark for life, that it was no wonder he was so miserable living with me.

I felt like you.  So tired of my life, so worn down by failing every day to be happy.  Tired of the miserable existence and feeling trapped.  Like the power was all his on whether the day was good or bad.  I had no control over my life and I hated it and I was miserable.

But you know, now I’m no longer with him I am not the person anymore.  I don’t over think, I don’t worry about the choices I make because if they are the wrong ones, I’m not going to shout at me!  I enjoy my life and I’m happy.  And the people who are in my life now actually like me, like being with me.  Who knew?!!

Its so easy to hate on ourselves and to feel the issue is us.   I went to counselling a few times to try and find ways that I could be better to help the relationship.  The last time really hit me.  They said you need to accept that nothing you do will change them.  And they did not want to be better. They didnt think they did anything wrong.

There is some great advice above – keep reminding yourself of your worth and value.  You are a good person doing the best you can in a situation that you have no control over.  Treat yourself with kindness like you would a friend xx

[nbumblebee]

Oh tired this is gosh just amazing. Thank you. You have described me how i feel how i am. This is me.

To just have someone who gets it who understands makes so much difference. I am trying so hard to do everything i can to hang on to my marriage. I just wanna stop thinking just for one day Im exhausted I really am trying to second guess everything makes my head explode. This has helped me so much Thank you xx

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