Questions of whether this was sexual abuse?

[Desert@orchid]

I left my ex about a (detail removed by Moderator) ago now. I’m still trying to process everything that went on, but slowly feeling like I’m starting to heal slowly. One of the things that keeps going through my mind is I don’t know if I was subject to sexual abuse as well as emotional. It wasn’t obvious and it never crossed my mind at all when I was with him. it’s only now I’ve left that some things are becoming more clear and I have questions. He never forced me to be intimate with him. But sometimes when we had sex however, he would make me feel so bad and I would end up crying but I can’t remember why. Sometimes it would hurt and when I said so he would just say “no it doesn’t” or “good”. Sometime if he got frustrated he would push me off and walk out the room in a mood. I remember he groped my breasts in front of his mum. They were quite an open family so never thought much of it and thought it was normal behaviour. I wonder if I’m overreacting but just now I look back it seems so obvious thy this wasn’t right and feel so stupid

[Lisa]

Hi Desert@orchid,

Thank you for your post. Recognising sexual abuse within a relationship can be difficult. However, any sexual activity without consent is sexual abuse. Your explanation of you telling him it hurt, and his response, is a very abusive and controlling response. In this situation a loving partner in a healthy relationship would hear that and stop. Have a read through the Rape Crisis website, in particular their section about Sexual Consent. They have a Helpline too, you might find it useful to give them a call if you feel up to it.

Please be kind to yourself and try not to berate yourself. Whilst it seems obvious now that it wasn’t right, when you’re in it there is so much going on within the relationship that boundaries and what is right and wrong become completely skewed.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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