Quilt

[Aaaaga]

Hi. I really struggle with feeling quilty about my ex not seeing our child. I left him few months back and I live in refuge with our child. He reckon he wants to see her (he has never been abusive with her). Sometimes I’m falling for his lies and I think then he cares about her. He is contacting my family and friends begging for me to talk to him about contact with little one. And I break and I’ll talk to him and then he proves me once again it’s not about her it’s about me, if I’m seeing anyone, that door are always open for me and he loves me to bits. We will stop talk and then he is doing same thing and I feel so quilty and I hope maybe this time it’s not about me but it always is and I just feel like a fool for falling for it all the time. I offered him going to contact centre because I know he wouldn’t be able to take her out from there to home and trying get me back to that house. Now he is saying there is waiting 6 months waiting list and to use contact centre as a drop off point (he will take her somewhere for an hour or two and then drop her off back there) because with a handover we could start doing it straight away but I don’t trust him. I’ve got that gut feeling he would do something to try get me back but in the same time I feel so so quilty. I feel sorry for him, for our child. I really dnt know what to do x

[Anonymous]

I honestly wait the six months for the contact centre. You’ll soon know if he waits that his in tensions are in her and your best interests.If I were him and I so badly wanted to see my daughter I would wait and I’d do anything to see her xx 💕

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

Abusers always use guilt, it is one of their main tools. Please don’t fall for his lies and manipulations. You can guarantee he doesn’t feel guilty at all for abusing you.

It’s hard but stay strong and go no contact, and use the contact centre. If he didn’t want to wait he should have thought about that before abusing you.

I think in cases like this you have to think of yourself first. If you feel sorry for him, what about you? Don’t you deserve compassion and kindness? Why does he deserve that after what he has done?

Put yourself and your child first. If you haven’t already, look up the Power and Control Wheel in google as it will explain lots of tactics they use, including guilt.

Then, get some paper and write down every single abusive incident you can remember. Whenever you feel sad like you miss him or feel guilty, read it back. It really helps to clear the mind. I wrote 12 pages! And I read it many times when I was in the early stages.

Do you have a support worker for domestic abuse? If you can hold tight, access all support available, work on your healing, you can hopefully move into your own place with your child and start afresh.

Don’t let him take your future away, you and your child deserve to be safe and happy and live an abuse-free life.

Also, always always always trust your gut. You say you don’t trust him, go with that.

[KIP.]

Abusers are liars. Who says it’s a six month wait for the contact centre. Do not believe a word he says. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Abusing the mother is as good as abusing the child. In fact abuse when witnessed by a child is child abuse. Absolute zero contact is the only way forward. He has already shown you he will use his child to continue his manipulation. It will only get worse. Let him go,through the appropriate channels for access. He is responsible for his own behaviour, he chose to abuse you. Children can be distracted. When your child brings him up, change the subject to something fun x

[KIP.]

Make sure you have a court order in place before he has access to your child. Always trust your gut. It’s trying to tell your he’s not to be trusted x

[Anonymous]

Read it’s our right not to be abused by womens aid xx and child first campaign safe child contact in the context of domestic abuse. Invaluable xx 💕

[Anonymous]

Safe not sorry xx

[Aaaaga]

Thank you for your replies. I’m
trying to go no contact again. I told my friends and family to block him or at least not telling me that he is messaging them. Now he said the contact centre said they will have spaces after New Year… why is he doing it to me. I just don’t understand why won’t he let me go and uses our daughter because he knows it will work and deep down I know it but Still can’t help but feel quilty. I left our home, my job and everything behind to go to refuge and be safe. I feel like I’m being punished for everything now cos he can live normal life after everything he done to me and still doing and I can’t and I’m angry and mad at him for that but in the same I feel bad cos all I ever wanted was us to split up and be coparents for our child. He was saying I need to let my anger go and forget the past and think what is best for her and that she needs both parents. And I think same that’s why it’s so hard for me cos I want it but I know I can’t trust him x

[Anonymous]

Try the contact centre and try to keep no contact between the two of you, use a third party. I know this isn’t what you want at the end of the day we all want to be amicable when it comes to our kids. But it’s pure and simple theirs no room for being amicable, e when someone is trying to gain power and control over you. That’s it in a nut shell he wants to control you by whatever means. That’s now through child contact. Spare yourself because it’s more heart fencing than the guilt your feeling now. Try to bury your guilt, go for the contact centre and try to stay no contact. Make sure the contact is safe ie very slow building for the sake of your little one. I think you will realise that when he can’t get to you he will become inconsisent7or even give up. It’s classic behaviour with these men. Don’t be fooled or duped. In the end for me it wasn’t about us anymore it was about the wellbeing of an innocent child xx💕💕

[itwillbeokay]

Is that true do you think? When they can’t get to you they become inconsistent and/or give up? I wonder if that’s what’s happening to me, my husband is not in contact or seeing our children at the moment and I just feel bewildered by the whole chain of events really.

xx

[Iwantmeback]

My oh refused to see his children due to supervised access. He wasnt having snyone controlling how much time or hiw here was with them. Such a huge red flag but i believed what he told me. They live in another reality where everyone is against them.

💕💕

[Anonymous]

Yes I 100% believe so. I’ve seen thos time amd again xx tactics to gain power amd control through guilt xc

[Aaaaga]

I hhope it will be same in my case. Me and our child supposed to go abroad for Christmas and I just found down he cancelled her passport because he was the one who sign declaration. I could apply for passport again but I won’t get it on time. I feel like a fool for feeling quilty or sorry for him…

[Anonymous]

As long as your realising that’s the main thing then you can address it my darling keep you and your little one safe eh xx 🙂 best wishes youll be fine xx

[Anonymous]

The thing is you have to stay one step ahead of them the patterns are very samey and as you read more you’ll see how transparent these men are xx 🙂 xx

[KIP.]

Who told you you won’t get it on time? You can go to the passport office and wait or ask for a temporary passport or maybe get your child put on yours. Keep asking. Ring the passport office yourself for advice x

[Iwantmeback]

I agree with kip, some people i know have travelled from Scotland to London when they’ve realised they’ve lost or their passport is out of date. There’s always a way. Usually expensive but there’s always a way.
💕💕

[Anonymous]

Itwillbeokay,

Its hard to face up to but it sounds like your ex may be a n********t. One of their traits is that they cant stand others having meaningful relationships. They destroy mother and child bonds if allowed to. What’s happening just now is for the best it may not seem like it. When he gets his fight back be prepared for a letter from his solicitor. Take it in your stride then and as above you would be more than right to offer supervised contact/contact centre xx DIY

[Anonymous]

I’m reading about n********m don’t ask why?Curiosity is getting the better of me. I came across this quote;

‘People will often try to make you feel guilty in order to manipulate you into doing something they want.But if you know who you are and your doing the right thing for you then guilt won’t work. Stand strong for what you are a don be drawn into games that others play’

According to what I’m reading guilt is the narcassists trump card, wish I’d known that many decades ago!! Xx ☺ 💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi DIY, I’m not convinced he’s a narc, but like you I’ve been researching the personality disorder and mine fits most of the bill. Then he also fits the personality disorder spectrum too. Maybe abusers are all disorders combined😏
Internet browsing isn’t good for us but where else do you look trying to find out why your loving gorgeous man became such a monster.
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

Check out Melanie Tonia Evans website. She was married toonefor years. Great website x

[Iwantmeback]

Many of our abusers have n**********c qualities. I was/ not quite/ sure my oh is one. I was reading up on them for a few years.was obsessed i think. I think tbh our,abusers are just a hotchpot of every type of abuser that we know of and a few we dont. Without medically qualified tests, we can only see if our abusers fit the type. Plus we need to remember many abusers aren’t text book, some show some qualities but don’t others. That’s confusing enough, how are we supposed to enlighten the authorities as to what we have been dealing with when its all so up in the air.
They confuse us enough, in fact I’m having a confused type of day, so will quit while I’m ahead😅
IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

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