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Currently sitting downstairs as he is going crazy. (detail removed by Moderator) has leaked and has caused thousands of pounds of damage.
The kids and I noticed a leak but was too scared to tell him now its bad. He has been screaming shouting throwing stuff upstairs and even said it was my fault as im always working and i never clean then he said the kids must have kicked (detail removed by Moderator)!!!! I think he didnt fit it properly but wont ever admit to it.
Its the rage that scares me he is going crazy ripping up the floor (he knows what he is doing (detail removed by Moderator)) smashing things all whilst shouting swearing. Ive offered to help but all i get is a mouth full of rage back I feel so helpless. I get hes upset I do but is the rage normal? Its been an hour now and hes still fowl ive never had a normal relationship so actually I dont know if this is normal.
How bad is that? I actually dont know any different. My kids are here listening to it too yes they are older but still they should not see nor hear this. Im scared for my husband for me for the kids.
Is this normal?
What can I do?
I just dont know how much more I can take anymore I really dont.
Im so sorry ive tried so hard to be positive I really have but Im done. -
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. There’s no rhyme or reason to their actions, it’s not ‘normal’ in a healthy relationship to act this way.
Sounds like it’s more than time to get yourself and your children away safely sooner rather than later. It’s not easy but so much support is available and eventually you’ll start to see how far you’ve gone and how good it was to get away from that toxic environment.
Safety is your priority so perhaps call the domestic abuse helpline who can properly get to to the right help asap. -
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No it’s not normal in a healthy environment. It’s normal to be upset or frustrated, perhaps even shout or storm off but that passes very quickly and people apologise for their outburst. Prolonged shouting, slamming, ripping things up, making all of the household hide away or feel on edge, blaming like he is etc is abusive behaviour and you know it’ll go on beyond today. Mine ripped up flooring for a muddy mark near the end. It’s scary when they rage, and your kids’ ages don’t make it any less scary for them too. It’s also a huge step to recognise all this and to say you’ve had enough, this behaviour isn’t fair.
If you can just give him space tonight, look after yourself and the kids. He’s going to be intolerable and nothing you say/do will be right today x
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I knew it was coming I knew.
Im supposed to be going out (detail removed by Moderator) without him and that hasnt gone down well he has been so nasty all weekend.
I get his anger i really do its going to cost thousands to fix but screaming and nastyness doesnt help. Ibasked if i could help over and over again he just told me to f**k off. He wont apologise he never has never will.
Im lost I really am this is just too hard. -
Hi nbumblebee,
It’s no excuse for his behaviour even if that big household crisis has happened. This happened me a few years, an upstairs leak with water coming down the ceilings ruining everything in its wake. Yes it was an awful experience and so upsetting and frustrating but I didn’t rant and rave etc I was on my own and I just had to deal with it. He’s using this as an excuse to make you feel bad and be nasty to you.
I was on the receiving end of a family member ranting and raving at me (detail removed by Moderator) where I ran and locked myself in the bathroom before I could leave safely with another family member. And it has me so rattled so I really feel for you. I did live with similar to you for 2 decades until with the help of this Forum and Al Anon family groups I got away. But like you it didn’t happen overnight. In fact I couldn’t leave my marriage like some people did. My constant prayer was please help me leave because I can’t do it myself. My prayer was answered and a way was made for me to leave. So please don’t lose hope. Keep coming on here as you’re doing. Keep sharing every feeling over the next few days as you’ve just been through the red part of “the cycle of abuse”. and that is soul destroying for both you and your children.
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Thank you for your support.
His rage is nothing new but its not been this bad in a long time you almost forget I close my eyes and pretend alot.
This morning he hasnt spoken to me like it was all my fault and like usual I am left feeling shaken scared and full of guilt I maybe should have said something cleaned it more been a better wife and mum. Im trying to not let it get to me but as i write i dread him coming home from work.
Its no way to live is it?
God what a mess x
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Dear nbumblebee
This is typical abuser tactics. You like so many of us on here are always walking on eggshells…one minute charming the next raging. I feel for you and your children going through this.
Sometimes I don’t know which is harder .the rage or the nice charming periods…when he’s being nice I am so tense waiting for the rage .
Take care honey x -
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Sounds exactly like my Dad. It’s terrible abuse and even if the kids are older, they will be as effected as you. Its a bit more bearable when the abuse isn’t directed straight at you. But don’t underestimate the effects it has on them, not just in that moment, but for the test of their lives..
Keep reaching out for support xx-
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I know it is hard, it takes a long time, but it’s really time to turn that around and look at only him as the one at fault, see that he is the one that is a shameful, pitifully excuse for a human being, to treat you that way. There is nothing wrong with you, you react to his abuse in the only way you can. He gives you no choice after the years of brainwashing and control, you are not in control, so how can you act any different. If you did you could well receive physical violence, they will resort to anything that controls us, so better be controlled by shouting, then stand up and be controlled by violence.. (I would say) i just mean, you had no other possible solution in that moment apart from run the hell outs there, or freeze. HE is the one to blame, the one who has given you no choice. Nothing you do can change him or the situation.. the only way is to get away from these toxic horrible men. They are poison for you in so many ways. I see it so clearly now i have been out a while. But when you are in it, the FOG is unbearable. X*x
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No one is forcing you to leave, sometimes that alone would stress me out. It was like another anonymous voice telling me what to do. All of this that you’re feeling is another step on the journey and as others say rather than beating yourself up for staying, let the feelings flow, feel that anger towards him and who knows maybe one day something inside will just click and you’ll be done. Until then, protect you and your kids as much as possible and remember he’s the problem not you x
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Im so glad you wrote this I feel so much pressure to leave. If I allow myself to dream just for a moment i see just how much lighter life would feel without the fear but at the same time my heart beats way too fast i cant breath i feel sick i cant seem to even begin to think about it. I wouldnt kniw how or where to go what to do its just too much to think about but I feel like I have too I should leave. I keep waiting for that moment that others say that led them to leave im afraid it wont ever come and if it doesnt the knowledge that this is my forever just fills me with utter dread.
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It is not always just one moment, you may need to prepare for leaving in advance.
Have you spoken to any domestic abuse teams?
They might be able to advise you on how to leave safely.You can be independent, you work, you look after your family, you are self sufficient even if you don’t think you are.
You don’t need him.
You are tied emotionally to him.
That was the only thing keeping me with my ex, the emotional bond.
I knew I didn’t need him, I did everything and paid for everything, yet I stayed either him for years.
I kept hoping he would change, that things would get better.
They didn’t get better.
It got worse.The emotional bond is lessening over time.
Xx -
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Look at it another way. I was on the WA chat Multiple times, also my local DA chat. I called, emailed WA lots of times, eventually calling and txting my support worker many times over a year or two. I txt and called my brother all the time through the worst times and he had two small children. I have had nearly a year of therapy through NHS and DA services.
I never received any violence, but mentally i was not safe, which effected me physically in turn, I have never been to the GP as much as I have this year..
Would you say I was underserving of all that support? Or mentally safe?
Your mental safety os just as important as your physical safety.
You are deserving, support is whats going to make you stronger. You know how great this forum is? Imagine that 10fold in support through a DA support worker or women on the freedom program? I have met the most amazing women and we are all local to eachother, it’s actually incredible the strength and support you can receive from the freedom program X -
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I was doubting weather it was abuse until a year after I left..
some people get to achieve clarity on that before they leave. I feel like it is more normal to gain clarity after you leave. You cannot see clearly when you are in the FOG…. But just think about the very fact you are so confused, that you are on a forum for DA, that your not happy, not feeling free, walking on eggshells. Think about those things. What he is doesn’t actually matter. Its how the situation is affecting you.
Sometimes, I would feel so overwhelmed, I would just forget about the subject for a while to have a bit of a mental break. You can’t do this all the time. I tried for 2 years to figure things out and try to leave before I actually could.for months in the middle i would forget everything, for it to came back again down the line.
I hear your confusion, your exhaustion, I know how you feel, I wish I could help you more, but all you can do is to protect yourself and your kids. In anyway you can.
We are here for you, there is support there. If its abuse, control, manipulation, anything, just angry outbursts, there is support for you, it doesn’t need to be labeled as abuse for you to get the support you deserve x*x -
You are incredable thank you so much. My head feels like it could explode its all getting too much so this idea of giving my head a break feels good needed.
Thank you.
The more i fight the worse he gets its like he doesnt want me to have a life he hates it and me i think.
Thank you so much for being here xxxx -
I agree, it might not be a big bang moment. I started by allowing myself to take baby steps, looked at houses online for example, dared to dream, I moved a few documents to a safe place, it was enough to help me start to see there was hope and my brain one day just said yeah that’s enough isn’t it. Glad my words about feeling pressure to leave helped, some days it feels like pressure from all angles and we’re stuck in the middle not knowing which way to turn x
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Hi nbumblebee
I’m not here to tell you anything, you know what you are dealing with and how best you can manage it. Just here to send out huge hugs to you and sympathy for what you’ve been suffering yesterday and today. My heart goes out to you love, you and your kids, even though older, none of you are deserving of this and there really isn’t any requirement to remain positive in the face of this wall of abuse that regularly falls down around you leaving you terrified of whats going to happen next.
Totally get it, I really do, but its important you know that you do not have to stay positive about this, or keep this masquerade up.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of strength, just know life can be better for you all. Your life and your choices, just know that you have them.
warmest wishes
ts
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you can…let it all out, be miserable, its only natural to feel like this. Let it out here where its safe for you to do that, but I understand you have to keep up a pretence in order to keep dancing to his tune for fear of more of the same from him.
Its bound to take a massive toll on you, your energy and your wellbeing, we all understand and know this only too well, and its too exhausting to keep up the fake for fear.
Noone will judge you here for being unhappy, angry, disappointed, ragey, or anything of those negative feelings you need to release, its damaging for you to hold them inside.
Sending warm hugs and thoughts to you.
TS
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@Bananaboat @eyesopening Thank you so much.
Its gotten worse.
I went out with friends something I never do and when i came ho.e he was fowl askwd to im sorry this is graffic but asked to smwll me see if I smelt of sex, said that he had driven past saw mw with a man (he didnt) he rhen wanted sex I said no after words he shook me said we are having sex I said No again and he either pushed punched or elbowed me in the back then went downstairs to sleep. He has been horrible since telling me ive changed hes not happy with me but then he wanted a kiss a hug and demanded I go upstairs for sex again ive said no so again hes had a p***y and gone to another room.
I just dont know how much worse its gonna get.-
This sounds familiar. As others have said he’s escalating.
Mine did this, subtle pushes that I dismissed, escalating to larger ones, escalating to physical. He also escalated the sexual side, bit like your husband demanding it and saying ‘you’re my gf I’ll have you whenever I want’. All whilst flip flopping between acting like nothing had happened- it’s mind fuckery. It’s aimed at doing exactly this, making you scared so you’ll be a ‘good little girl and do as you’re told by him’. Your kids will be hearing all this and feeling the tension in the air.
It’s so incredibly hard to reach out for help, it’s hard to admit it’s happening. It’s his words in your head making you think you don’t deserve help. Do you still have the helpful manager who went through DA to talk to? Or if you find it easier to type try the woman’said chatline.
You deserve to go out, you deserve to work, you should be allowed to enjoy Christmas. He’s been escalating for a while now, you know this, it’s getting worse not better xx
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Nbumblebee,
Please I emplore you to keep you and your children safe.
He is escalating.
He is getting worse.It’s easy for me to say this months out of my toxic relationship, but it will only get worse.
You say he has never been physical.
Neither had my ex, for decades, then he suddenly turned physically violent.
I don’t want to scare you, I really don’t, but my road was so similar to yours.
I see too may similarities.My ex escalated on the sexual front.
Demanded sex from me twice a day.
I knew he wasn’t aroused, it was a form of control.
He grew angry with it, called me names before,during and after sex.
It was so sick but if I refused, there would be repercussions.He would check my pants, not let me shower convinced I was getting clean for another man.
I would go 2 weeks without a shower sometimes.
Months later, I still get anxiety over showering, I put it off as long as possible.Please Nbumblebee, look at what help you can get.
I swear it will get worse .
I know we shouldn’t tell other women how to react , how to deal with things, everyone’s circumstances are different.
But I see too many similarities in your relationship with mine.
Stay safe, and take care of your kids.
You can do this even in your abusive relationship, small wins, small acts of hidden defiance that he won’t notice.
It all will help your mentality.
X*x -
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Sounds brutal but can you ring the police during one of his rages?
That’s what did it for me.
Police locked him up for 24 hours .
The guilt I endured was huge, but I stuck with the conditions, read multiple abuse books and educated myself on abuse.
I had wobbles, self doubt etc on the way but ultimately I stuck to it.
You will be surprised how many people are on your side when jt counts x -
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Sorry he is doing that and you are stuck hiding from him while he rages.
If I have issues around my house. I make a call and take action, I certainly don’t rage and such and start pulling things up or screaming and banging around. That is horrendous to scare you and your kids like that and traumatic.
I would seek therapy concerning what you can do. I did that on the side saying it was for another reason or in some cases in complete privacy.
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@StrongLife Im not sure you are aware but I owe you such a huge thank you by commenting on this older post you have reminded me during a calm nice period where im doubting myself you are reminding me just how scared I get. I really cant Thank you enough. Xxxxx
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It’s so easy to forget Mr Nasty when he’s being Mr Nice. A kind of cognitive dissonance. The sudden switching always takes us by surprise, even though we know it’s coming. We minimise how bad things can be. We doubt our own memory and tell ourselves that we can cope. “It’s not that bad really.”
Until the next time.
Then the facade comes crashing down and we are sharply reminded of all the awful things we put up with. We rebuke ourselves for forgetting. But it’s the brains way of protecting us, enabling us to endure the unendurable.
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100% darkness I doubt everything I constantly go over and over incidents in ny head until eventually i see them as not bad not abusive i guess.
Reading this has really helped me reminded me. I cant write a diary its not safe so seeing things like this on here is eye opening i guess.
Thanks for letting me know its not just me who has this means alot xxxxx
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