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What was life like after I left? Only women on the forum ever think to ask that. Honestly, I faced all sorts of struggles; the hardships I feared that helped to keep me in my relationship were a reality at first but I also faced all sorts of struggles that I hadn’t even considered. If I had my time again, I would still leave though.
It’s been several years since I left but less than a decade and although many of those struggles are quite recent for me, (some still ongoing) most seem like a lifetime ago. Despite everything I’ve been through and knowing how hard leaving is, it has all been worth it to get to where I am today.
Somebody close to me did something the other day – just a small thing – that made me understand, once again, how lucky I am. I have always understood that I have been incredibly lucky. There are women all over the world who are living in abusive relationships and in many of those countries the abuse is actively enabled and encouraged at a state level, sometimes overtly and sometimes covertly. I live in the UK and in this country it is widely understood that domestic abuse is not OK. Crucially, women are allowed to leave abusive relationships and those who face the prospect of physical punishment or even murder as a result of leaving can be protected if they seek the right help. That is just one reason why I consider myself lucky – I had the choice to leave.
The little thing? I had been trying to help my elderly father with his garden. He wanted a water feature moving. I probably could have done it by myself but I chose to wait for my sister to arrive to help me. When she arrived, she decided to move the water feature all by herself. She dropped it and broke it.
I’ve been pondering this. Her decision to try and move it by herself was very deliberate and very determined and I suspect it was rooted in her idea of herself and how she relates to me. That’s when I realised, again, how lucky I was.
People in non-abusive relationships respond to life in that context. They move through life and metamorphosise organically. They may not give much thought to who they are, what they have become or how others might perceive them. They may not look at who others really are but continue to rely on an outdated perception of them. When I left my abusive relationship I discovered that I had responded to my ex partner. External life, other relationships had not shaped me, my abusive ex-partner had shaped me and when I left there was a massive void where my partner’s control used to be.
I once remember reading a post on the forum from a lady who was standing in a supermarket. Her post sounded almost distraught. Without her ex-partner on the scene, she didn’t know what to buy. She had no idea which foods she liked or disliked and was terrified of making the wrong decision. The reality of that emptiness – the responsibility of learning to be you – can feel very, very scary and quite overwhelming. But when I left I had a real opportunity and it’s one that many people don’t get. I was lucky again.
I was very conscious of the void and despite the discomfort of the gaping black hole, I saw it as an opportunity and I made a conscious decision not to fill it deliberately but to allow myself to flow into it, like water, naturally and slowly. It gave me a chance to watch who I was, what I had become. I saw parts of my personality that I liked and parts that I didn’t like. There were some things that I wanted to change and other things that just felt were too big for me to tackle at that point. Crucially, I had an opportunity that many people will never have, I could see who I really was, not an idea of myself. That allowed me to re-make myself into someone I wanted to be.
My sister might never have a trigger to make her stand back and try to understand what made her try to move that water feature by herself. I have been very fortunate to have had an opportunity to learn how to learn about myself.I hope that those of you who are freshly out of your relationship will take heart from this. It is true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If you can push through the difficulties that you are experiencing at the moment, it will be worth it. You just need to keep moving forward. Sending love and good wishes to you all xx
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Sorry, I have no idea why that has printed with all the coding. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to edit or delete the post.
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