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Consent doesn’t involve coercion or compliance. Women have historically been assumed to be compliant. Rape within marriage couldn’t happen because women were supposed to comply and compliance became synonymous with consent.
It’s absolutely not the same.
Compliance often comes with coercion. Rape mostly isn’t that man leaping out of a bush and dragging you into the undergrowth. It’s that man you may live with, may be in love with, who you trust. He’s not pinning you down, he’s not overtly threatening you. It’s when you just don’t want sex, and for one reason or another you feel trapped. It may be your home, your job, children, any number of things. We allow sex to happen although we’d rather it didn’t. The consequences of not complying could be far worse.
Rape within marriage has been a crime since 1992. It’s very hard to prove without a corpse or blood on the carpet.
Please remember that if you were complying or coerced, you weren’t consenting
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Thank you for sharing Maddog. Just adding Rape Crisis details for support- https://rapecrisis.org.uk
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa. Rape Crisis are fantastic.
Women, historically have been assumed, as chattels to be compliant. Nobody expects a pan scourer to start making objections. We find it annoying if our car doesn’t start. Abusers so often assume compliance. Compliance is not the same as consent. As it has been said, men fear women laughing at them and women fear that men will kill them. Compliance is survival. It’s a Long way from consent.
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There were so many times when I had no choice. there were plenty of times when I complied. My normal was warped into an alternative reality which didn’t involve me at all. My ex is a rapist. Although I’ve told the police, it’s not because I expect him to be prosecuted. It’s for the children, so that one day, hopefully when our patriarchal society is put on trial, our children, both boys and girls will understand better and know what came before.
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There’s a massive difference to being in a loving mutual relationship when both parties comply. It is very different when we comply for other reasons. That is coercion. To comply to sex through coercion is rape. To think, well I’d better please him because he wants it isn’t consent. What are the consequences of saying F off? What are the consequences of leaving? That’s coercion. It doesn’t have to involve physical harm. It could be any number of reasons.
So many of us have just rolled over, thinking, just get it done with.
In an abusive relationship it’s more complicated. My ex used me for his own means. He didn’t do love or intimacy. He served himself.
My ex is a rapist
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My ex is a rapist. I am not responsible for his depraved actions. He is.
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The word rape was so often at the back of my mind but not on the tip of my tongue. When I complained, he would withdraw any affection in its entirety. If I didn’t like having sex done at me and being poked around in my sleep, it was my fault.
The police don’t recognise withdrawing affection as part of the cycle. At the end of the relationship, they told me that at least he hadn’t crept into my bed any more. He’d already used me as a sex toy so often that the withdrawal of affection felt the same. He was still bigging himself up to fill his ‘perfection’.
I think that the police don’t really understand the dynamics of sex in a coercive and controlling relationship. Although it may seem like one person’s word against the other, in the context of an abusive relationship, it’s not. P
I think there needs to be a huge amount more training, and the taboo around the word rape needs to be addressed.
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I couldn’t agree more. If you take it in the the context of a controlling relationship it’s clearly just another kind of abuse. To take these incidents out of the context of the controlling relationship probably won’t seem like their pre conceived notion of ‘rape’. To trap you in a room until you consent. To not allow you to sleep until you consent. To threaten to go elsewhere until you consent etc. Imagine a complete stranger doing these things to you. A man comes in off the street. Why do the police take is much less seriously when it’s the man who is your partner. It’s the same crime.
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When I first seeked help I was completely unaware that the intimacy within the marriage could be rape. He said I was being boring, or unwilling to try ‘new things’ he would say it was what everyone else in normal relationships did. Since I left I now know that’s untrue and deliberately forces me into situations to make me feel uncomfortable and degraded. The decision about to go back is partly because if this is going to happen I would rather it in private rather than in public.
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My ex took his own life (detail removed by moderator). It’s a totally out of control situation. He’s been put on a pedastal by his family and I can’t quite believe it tbh. They don’t know about any of the rape and drugging that went on in our relationship but they were well aware of the addictions he aNd his bad behaviour. Why are they forgetting everything that went on? My boys and I are grieving for a totally different person to what they are.
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How horrible for you, Candlefan. Please get support from Rape Crisis. When someone has addictions we hope for the best and anticipate the worst. You experienced the worst. His family is probably grieving the best. It’s not your fault. It simply isn’t.
The other members of my ex’s family are good enough people. They are finding it hard to accept if they are able, that my ex is an abuser and a rapist.
Keep working on your own truth.
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