Re joined on here ( was anonon)

[Anonymous]

Hello I pre ipusly had a username on here called anonon I had some wonderful ladies reply to my posts such as my first one “is it abuse or temper “

I’m so sorry I removed profile because I felt like such an idiot and fraud and just I felt like a liar because one day I would completely see it’s abuse and then find myself completely thinking nope it’s definitely just me over reacting even after the books I read as I just feel like I’m making it into sonething it’s not and I didn’t want to repeat myself.

But I find myself back searching the boards most days and nights just feeling so isolated and lonely and daft . Immdreading this time of year so much cus he will be around more and as there’s not much work for him I know the mood is so variable that I’m just so tired and can’t see how to get through this , yet I should just be able to play happy families.

Sorry just really don’t have anyone to speak to and just thought selfishly maybe I could rejoin .

[Tiffany]

Of course you can rejoin. It takes us a lot of back and forth before we realise that things really aren’t right. It’s normal with abuse. And writing stuff on here is scary. I wouldn’t have dared when I was still in my abusive relationship. You are brave to be posting, and I hope you find the support you need here to do whatever needs done.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Tiffany .i really am back and forth but equally thinking I’m back n forth because I’m
Unstable maybe? Maybe I’ll never be happy . I hear my husbands voice now more onthan my own subconscious and it’s hard… I think of relationships I “ see as normal and healthy” and I hear in my head that I’d never be satisfied etc.. I can’t escape feeling like I’m the abuser . I have every respect for you to know and to stick to it and be free . I’m realising I don’t think I could …

[Iwantmeback]

Hello anononagain, welcome back🤗 I’m like you in that I feel like a fraud, I think after reading so many others posts there’s been a few of us like that here every single day, even in the middle of some of the most horrendous of posts. The instability is caused by their treatment of us, we are definately on a see-saw of emotions. I hear my husband’s voice more than mine at times, I actually say his words in certain circumstances due to hearing his opinion of it daily for years. You are in no way an abuser, they make us think we are. Because we retaliate, to protect ourselves in the cycle of abuse it can make us question ourselves as to, do I start all this. No, he uses whatever we’ve said or done to start the cycle of abuse, that’s why these relationships are so unstable and make us question everything. Questioning is the body’s way of knowing something’s not right, listen to your own wee voice, it’s in there somewhere. The more you listen to her, the less you’ll hear his voice. Strength and love to you, it’s lovely to hear ftom you again. I guess we worry when people we’ve been speaking to leave, but I’m glad you’ve been able to repost. This forum is so much of a life saver to us.
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi Anononagain,

Welcome back, I’m glad you’ve felt able to join again and you have absolutely no reason to be sorry.
As Tiffany says it’s normal to have a lot of back and forth and to be unsure how you feel. The confusion is part of the fog that abuse causes. You are not a fraud and you have every right to be here for support.

When you’re not sure what to do the best thing to do is just to try to keep talking; post on here when you can and call the Helpline if you feel able to. The helpline workers are always there to talk through your situation, offer validation, and discuss your options.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Thank you all , i really appreciate you all .

I wish I wasn’t so back n forth !! It’s funny because reading my old posts kind of helps solidify it but then I wind up angry at self ! In a way when I thought it was salvageable or my fault they was an element that with some trying I could change it for better but now it feels a bit hopeless .. I know it’s not but it’s just feeling a little bleak!

[Iwantmeback]

I get that… the bleak feeling, the hopelessness, yet if they just changed, everything would be so good. I jyst want the man I fell in love with, it’s breaking my heart all over again and again. I’m in tears writing this, I’m so unhappy, sad and utterly lost and just want to take a pill and wake up when it’s all over. I’m not strong enough to break up, to start again, but I have to do it, this relationship is killing me.
I need a relationship with my children, my grandchild, my parents(before its too late),I can’t have that and him too, he never ever says I can’t see them but I can’t have a normal spontaneous relationship with them either because of how he is.
I so understand how you’re feeling so back and forth, every one of us feels like that every single day.
IWMB 💕💕

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are back.
This time do not leave this forum again.
You are in no way selfish.
Maybe over time you come to the conclusion that leaving him will be the best decision of your life.
It takes time and you need to build up the courage to allow this vision.
You clearly do not want this situation you are in.
Take your time to think carefully how you can get out and build a happier and more peaceful life for yourself.

[Tiffany]

You are absolutely not a fraud. It’s just part of the abuse. We all feel like we didn’t really have it that bad. This is an idea reinforced by our abusers and sadly, after we get out, by people who don’t understand abuse and say helpful things like “if it was that bad you would have left”. I think you have to go through it to an extent to understand that it isn’t true. I think you are absolutely on the money when you say that you can’t differentiate between your voice and his in your subconscious. It describes absolutely how it was for me anyway. I spent so much time trying to figure out what would be acceptable to him that I forgot to think of myself as an individual with my own needs. It probably took about a year to stop hearing him in my head after I left, and I still feel anxiety about things he told me about myself – even though I now know that they are untrue. But his voice grows fainter every day. It is doable! For me, the start of regaining control of my mind was tentative and it took time to build the strength to leave. All I could manage in the beginning was to tell myself “it’s ok to do what is best for me. Then gradually as I did things that were good for me that grew to “I have to do what is best for me”. Which lead to “I have to leave this man who is making me so desparately sad”. It took months though. And I spent the entire time thinking I was overreacting. And a bad girlfriend. It wasn’t until weeks out that I finally called it what it was. Abuse. Women’s aid was really helpful then. Just to tell someone who understands. To have your experience believed. Your eyes are open wider than mine were when I was still with my abuser. I would try calling them. They will be able to talk things through with you. You are doing really well. It’s so hard to reaxh out when you are in the place you are in. You are brave and strong, and you will survive.

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell you how relieved it makes me feel to read your encouraging replies although at same time incredibly sad.. sad that you too are also bleak feeling and tearful IWMB and sad that all have had to deal with such behaviour… and grateful /inspired that you are sharing and opening up so honestly .. Today has been a good day but I’m apprehensive… we’ve had a first trip out together with kids in a long time and it broke my heart how happy and excited they were that he was coming with us as he never dies but I wonder if I should push for him to join us more often but I’ve stopped cus the happiness lasts until his mood snaps . (Detail removed by moderator). Yet it’s not turned horrible so I think I’m just creating an unnecessary issue for myself… maybe I do need to lighten up as he’d say .. argh!

[Iwantmeback]

Lighten up, you’re no fun anymore,you’re too serious. I’ve always used these words, s..t,w..re,c..t,. Yes you have and I’ve asked you a 1000x to stop.
The only reason they tell us to lighten up is because they’re the ones who’ve made us see life through different eyes. I’d love to laugh spontaneously again, a right belly laugh, but I can’t, because I really have no zest for life anymore. I have so much that worries me now, life seems pointless at times. I wonder if I’m kidding myself on that I’ll leave, even though I’m putting things in place, doing the right things. Being so brutally open and honest with each other is the only part of us that he doesn’t control, telling our story, warts and all helps others see just how messed up living with an abuser is because it’s so normal, yet underneath it, is misery and fear.
thinking about doing more family time made me think of the old saying, one swallow does not a summer make. Is he trying to hoover you back in, as you say, until his mood snaps.
Take care @Anononagain, we can do this, it’s just one step at a time.
One day I will post in the ‘life after abuse’ forum,
I’m getting stronger, and I also see he’s getting weaker, more insecure about us. 💜

IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

Posts