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So glad I came across this forum I don’t feel like I’m on my own anymore. I really need your help. I feel ready to leave an abusive relationship but my husband, who has been controlling for so long is saying if I want to leave I can go on my own and that I’d have to leave the children. He obviously knows that I won’t go anywhere without my kids. I can’t leave them with him as he sometimes binge drinks, he has also said awful things to them he’s once told them I don’t love them. So I spoke to a solicitor and they advised that unless there’s an incident, if I leave and rent elsewhere I am not allowed to change the children’s schools even if domestic abuse is a factor, apparently he can apply for Orders to have the children brought back to the family home if he hasn’t abused the children. I was also told that I need to negotiate with him (which isn’t safe at all) and discuss how we move forward. Honestly it made me feel so upset. I really feel helpless now and don’t know what else to do. I wanted to ask if it is possible for me to leave and find somewhere to rent and change the children’s schools? Does anyone know of any domestic abuse aware solicitors that can help me with this? I was trying to avoid going to a refuge because of the upheaval but I’m just exploring all options now…
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Your story sounds like mine , sadly . Im sorry you’re going through this . Im in a very similar position as you but my advice has varied slightly .You can get him with a non-molestation order from the solicitors to remove him for a period of time or depending on his actions until your divorce goes through. You need to keep diary’s evidence of his behaviour/ actions . Let other people know teachers etc . It might support you case . I know how hard this is . I wish you all the best -look after yourself.
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Hi Overcomer03, what your OH is suggesting is totally unreasonable and in keeping with an abusive partner… in a healthy relationship you would both sense that your relationship is over and there would be discussions about coparenting etc… this is not the case when trying to separate from an abuser..
In my experience
They refuse to leave and start the threats (if you go I keep the children, he lost that right when he was abusive towards them and you).
They ramp up tactics (including suicide threats, making up stories to try and make you feel sorry (my OH played the victim, including when actively making us homeless and financially strangulation (I was reliant on foodbanks, charities (I have special needs children)… my OH moved in with his new host a while back now and still he will find ways to contact Me (all of which I now email to the police as I want them to know his cycles).If you get hold of Womens Aid by live chat on here or by phone they will help support you and signpost you to a DA trained solicitor, any agencies who you involve ask for DA trained if possible.
I also emailed my local Citizens Advice Bureau who were really helpful but I am aware it is dependent upon the area you live.
Keep posting ❤️
HfH -
Or Google your local DA trained solicitors in your area and ask for free 30 mins consultation with them, I saw a few solicitors, some were better than others, some women on here get a good solicitor 1st time. I have no funds so had to apply via other routes.
It is a dangerous time, when you plan to leave, as your OH will sense a shift in you, trust your gut, keep pushing forwards to freedom and Women’s Aid can help you leave safely. If you ever feel afraid dial 999 and explain why you are afraid of your OH.
❤️
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Totally understand how you feel. When I ask him to leave over the years.
He says the children are coming with him if that’s the case.
Totally trapped totally know how you feel and we’re in the right for saying it.
It’s just making us all as a family hurt for longer.What I’ve come to terms with in past few days is… once my youngest is 18 then he will officially end it as we hate each other that much he definitely wants to go. But it has to be he’s terms. When I’m old and grey and probably put on a few pounds. And then I’m useless to any man then he will be happy to leave me. But the thing is I never want to ever go near a man after him anyways. But has to be he’s terms and he wants to rule my life. He’s control.
I Just want to be free.
Dying for the day when i can be myself and free.
Hope you find a end to your hurt and can give some guidance to us xx
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Sending love and support.
I’m in a similar position. My solicitor said that I could not leave the property with my children. He could say I have abducted them. I did end up speaking to him and he said that he didn’t want to live without the children and we should live civilly together. That is obviously impossible with an abuser. I now feel like I’m back to square one. I will try and speak to another solicitor.
I don’t feel like there is anyway out at the moment. I am the same as you, I would never leave my children. He has said the same to me. Telling me, You go! Leave the kids here! All of this in front of the children’s faces!
Keep posting! Remember we are stronger together! Any information I find out, I will post here! X -
I strongly suggest that you speak to your local Women’s Aid, as they will have knowledge that’s pertinent to you. In particular, they might well be able to guide you towards specific solicitors who have really good DA experience. Looking back at when I was at that stage, I still feel amazed by the support that my local WA were able to give me, just in terms of knowing my rights, knowing what the options were, reassuring me that they were absolutely there for me, and also they gave me the telephone numbers of three different solicitors and the one I consulted was amazing. I’m not using her for my divorce, but I barely needed to tell her what my life was like, she just knew.
Good luck x*x
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I really feel for you & just wanted to add that you also have the option of calling the police. It’s scary but at any time you feel scared or threatened in your own home, you should call them & not only if there’s physical abuse. If you experience intimidation & harassment which leaves you feeling threatened or in fear of violence that’s more than enough to call for help & to protect your children from witnessing any form of abuse.
We’re conditioned to protect our abuser & downplay what’s happening, trying to keep the peace, but in my experience it just gives them further control. Best of luck x -
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