Realised my love has gone

[Robin]

I’ve felt l I keep the day has passed by in a blur. Physically at work but really I’m just sat at my desk

Last night I agreed to have sex with my abusive husband (who has been cslm for the last couple of days) but the whole time I was saying to myself that I didn’t love him anymore I didn’t feel anything, he even commented that it wsdike I wasn’t in the room.

So today I’ve been thinking about it and its dawned on me that he has worn me down with his aggressive outbursts and name-calling. I hadn’t realised. I’d told him I’d gone off sex with him because of his lack of respect/nasty words but it hadn’t occurred to me that I no loved him. It’s a shock (detail removed by Moderator) years married (detail removed by Moderator) together.

But now I feel bad, he’s been okay and yet still I fantasies about a house of my own, where I can be me. I’m just so scared of starting down that route what if I’ve got it wrong? I gave spoken to a friend and counsellors who’ve told me that it’s not normal to be spoken to the way I have (in fact I was looking at some old notes of when I was pregnant (detail removed by Moderator) where he threatened to glass me – so I do know it has been so wrong).

I just feel sick abd just want to cry. How did this happen to me? I would never have married this man. I feel hurt and confused.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Robin, I think the fact that you feel so guilty about not loving him despite his nasty threats tells you all you need to know. People in non-abusive relationships change their minds/fall out of love and leave their partners. It can be difficult but they don’t feel trapped and guilty the way abuse survivors do. They don’t feel obliged to love their partners or put up with terrible behaviour. You are right to not love this man anymore, he is not lovable or loving towards you. He and he alone has caused you to feel this way and will have to face his consequences. You haven’t got this wrong. Continue to (safely) plan to turn your fantasies into reality while your child is still young, you both deserve so much more x*x

[KIP.]

None of us signed up for the abuse that they throw at us. The abuse us mentally so much that we lose our confidence and self esteem. We cannot make rational decisions and blame ourselves. It’s a form of trauma bonding. None of this is your fault. Can you imagine if your sister or friend had to put up with this behaviour. What advice would you give her? You deserve to be safe and happy. Get in touch with your local women aid. They can help you and explain the way you’re feeling. To have sex with an abusive partner when you don’t want to will destroy your soul. I did it for years and became severely depressed, trapped and suicidal. Please get away before this happens X

[Anonymous]

Hi Robin,
I don’t tend to respond to posts on here as I’ve never felt qualified enough to be able to offer advice – BUT I could have written your post exactly, word for word.

I’ve come to the end of my tether and am working towards an exit strategy.

Please call the helpline and get some advice. Come here and chat. You are not alone x

[Serenity]

My wrongest move was to stay with my ex.

He is a bad man, yet I felt tied through trauma bonding, stupid Catholic guilt and concern about my kids having a family- a societal structure which can be downright fake.

All these women who turn a blind eye to their husbands affairs, suffer at home every day, take on guilt that isn’t theirs….it’s so unfair.

My kids are far happier just with me at home. They can be free.

Why do we feel guilty about not loving these men any more? We can’t love them. They’ve taken every ounce of everything positive and left us empty shells: there is nothing more for us to give.

What is there to love? Cunning, cruelty, emotional blackmail, greed, selfishness?

If they were brave, responsible, moral, kind- then yes, there would be something to love. When they mimic these things, it’s all to manipulate us.

Don’t feel guilty. These abusers sense when we’ve had enough and line up their next victim. It’s always about them. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up- we should never have put up with a single day of being treated as we were.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You would be surprised at how quickly the love goes!!!! You finally see them for what they are and there is no chance you feel anything towards them. You despise them from everything they say, to do, even the quirky things that attracted them to you in the first place drive you up the wall! They are actually in loveable and what we fell in love was what we wanted them to be. If they were real from day one we would run a mile!!!!

[Author]

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