Really struggling

[Imagine]

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling at the moment. I left my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago and I’m living over (detail removed by moderator) miles away. I have started divorce proceedings but I’m having real trouble dealing with my feelings of guilt. We were together nearly (detail removed by moderator) decades and it took me a long while to see the emotional abuse clearly. He sent me a letter (detail removed by moderator) which shook me as he basically blamed me for all of it. Even his sorry was I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt or upset you but basically he said it’s my fault. Nearest to an apology I’ve ever had though. So I saw through it with the help of my very dear close friend along with my counsellor. I’m away staying with my friend at the moment and I’m so glad that I am because he sent a text (detail removed by moderator) which poleaxed me. My friend was utterly shocked at the amount of pain I was in. I couldn’t even continue to stand up (we were out walking when I plucked up the nerve to open it) It was utterly exhausting emotionally and physically. I partly wanted to jump in the car to go and see him but knew that I couldn’t and also partly felt what’s the point? The pain was so bad (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t answered his letter or text and have been no contact but I feel this awful guilt and sadness. He wants to stay friendly after so many years and d kind of wanted to but so far I haven’t. I know my friends and counsellor have all said no contact and I see why but I feel so guilty and that text hurt me so much. Help!

 

 

[Hope123]

Hi Imagine,

Its really difficult dealing with the guilt of ending a relationship, because at the bottom of it you are good person who has empathy and concern for other people. The problem is you won’t get the same respect back.

The one thing I would say is keep the no contact. I didn’t and regret it everyday. Its like starting from scratch again and although I should practice what I preach I didn’t and its just extended the misery.

Hope you’re OK x

[Wiseafter]

Please keep up the no contact. You are doing so well coping with so many emotions that are rising to the surface. Feelings of guilt are completely normal after so many years of conditioning to feel that way because you are human and a normal, compassionate person. It is sad but true that these men don’t change, they don’t take responsibility, they can’t be accountable. It is hard but you are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for your own wellbeing right now and learning what is OK for you and your own healing which will take time and alot of work. Talk to your counsellor about your feelings of guilt and exploring what is behind them. When you feel the urge to contact him, come onto the forum and share here. You are doing so well. Next time, perhaps delete the text and don’t open the letter. Or ask your friend to open it and read it first to see if there is anything in there which is suitable for sharing with you (such as arrangements or family issues) otherwise not knowing is really best. No contact means going through the pain. You will get through this. It will pass and remember, you are not alone.

[Imagine]

Thank you both for your replies. I have to admit they brought tears to my eyes. It’s all made worse as well by the the fact that there is livestock involved that I can’t see too. That hurts as well. It’s a complicated thing for sure. I’m so grateful for your answers it means a lot and I certainly will come back on the forum. I’ve been reading a lot on here and books for some time. In my first post I asked if it was abuse and the answer I had then really helped me. So many of us and so good that we can talk on here. Thank you xx

[Camel]

Hi Imagine

It must feel like wading through treacle right now. Going no contact is advised for a very good reason. Because any contact with an abuser is going to make you question your reality. You will know that abusers throw us off guard and make us believe that everything that happens is a result of something we’ve done or haven’t done. It’s always our fault. And as we tend to be compassionate, empathetic and thoughtful they really don’t have to say much at all for the doubt to creep in. You’re undoubtedly a caring woman if you’re thinking of putting the welfare of livestock above your own.

Know as fact that you shouldn’t be physically floored by a letter or message from a truly loving partner. What you experienced was fear and anxiety, not love. You are also not obligated to receive mail or messages, read them or respond to them. As you have great support from a friend, arrange to forward everything to her without reading it. I’m sure she’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to hear.

[Chestnut]

Hello Imagine
I remember your first post and it so great to hear how far you have progressed with this, you are very strong and have taken massive steps which from what you wrote before I think sounded like they needed to be done. You sounded at that time to be very unhappy, you have one life and no one “deserves” to be treated as you were. I think it is very natural to feel guilty at the end of most relationships but especially so when you have been belittled, had your sanity and self worth questioned and made to feel that it is all because of you. You cannot be responsible for someone else’s happiness you sound like a kind and caring person which can totally be our greatest gift but also sadly totally taken advantage of in the wrong hands. Hold strong you have not done anything wrong you cannot stay with someone just to not feel guilty. I don’t know what was in the letter but I also got one (still in the same house and split but got a letter left for me) there were certainly some undertones to it, I did not reply! You will get there I think this is a step lots of people go through I stayed for so long because I was worried about his health, so I also felt guilty when I ended it but it was the right thing to do and you will come out of the other side a happier person and be able to be you!! Wishing you all the best in the world and so pleased to hear your update x

[Imagine]

Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot. So I’ve had another text which I forwarded to my friend as suggested. Then I stupidly looked at it as I felt stronger.. Basically said he deserved a right to know after so long married. Also that I’ve listened to ‘others’ and not made the decision myself. He said he was sorry that was the case. I was really annoyed and found it quite insulting although I guess I’m not surprised by it. After all I’ve always done what he said before….. Part of me wants to reply that it is my decision and to try to stay amicable through it. Part of me knows there’s no point because he’ll only see what he thinks. Help! Should I stay no contact or try to explain that we have different perspectives etc….

[Lottieblue]

Hi Imagine,
Bumping your post as I’m watching with interest.

LB x

[Imagine]

Hi Lottieblue
Thank you. I appreciate it x
I’ve been watching your progress for the last few months and although I haven’t replied I’m willing you on your path x

[Lottieblue]

Brought a little year to my eye. Thank you.
Bumping again. X 💕

[Camel]

Hi Imagine

What do you hope to gain if you reply? (Maybe you gave in and have already replied. Did you get what you wanted?)

Undoubtedly you will want him to see things from your point of view, agree with your assessment of his behaviour, agree to part amicably and without further drama.

Your ex is throwing out accusations solely to engineer a response from you. It’s all guff. So what if you did listen to other people? Is that really so terrible? You have no more explaining to do. Your decision is made.

Fair enough, you can’t help reading his messages. So how about only doing so in the morning (never just before bed time.) And set yourself a rule that you will leave it a whole week before even thinking of replying. Chances are he’ll have thrown other accusations at you by that point and you’ll start to see it’s just more abuse.

[Imagine]

Thank you Camel for your reply. I haven’t replied to him and yes you’re right that is exactly what I would like, but I know deep down that will never happen.
I had another text last night. Possibly triggered by my friend letting him know that the (removed by moderator). Sent it though to my friend who said it was belittling, quite aggressive and demeaning. Designed to hurt. So I have decided to block him. A bit surprised by the feeling of relief after. Also sadness that I have to as I do wanted it to be as you said. It’s made a big difference sharing his texts and getting other trusted peoples reactions. Finally opening up about the emotional abuse for so many years when I thought it was all me

[Wiseafter]

Well done Imagine – huge, big step. You have done so well. Just having someone you trust to be a buffer and ally is a massive help. Talking about the abuse to people you feel you can be open with is also so important, getting help from professionals and support groups. Keep posting xx

[Camel]

Hi Imagine

It’s OK to feel sad. You’re compassionate. I cried when I finally left my abuser. Not from regret. Mostly disappointment and frustration.

You’re a normal human being who operates by normal rules and expects other people to do the same. We can’t get our heads round why abusers do what they do. We think it’s our fault, analyse everything, replay arguments. Abusers don’t do any of that. They have no capacity for introspection. They simply don’t care. As soon as you come to terms with this you’ll stop worrying about what he has to say. Give him the same level of attention as you would a toddler throwing a tantrum. x

[Author]

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