Really struggling to leave , or cope..

[LozzyX]

I have been posting here for several years now but yet still with him. I did almost get free once, it was hard and he went off the rails. This time it feels worse he has noone else anymore now all friends have gone and there were serious issues with some family members, his mental health worse than ever before. But he is vile to me and has caused unimaginable financial hardship for all these yrs due to drugs.

I’ve kept a journal all these years so I can reflect, it has remained consistently bad now for a long time…we have only had a couple of weeks earlier this yr where we got on ok for those days consecutively. Most the time , quite frankly, it’s been absolute hell.

Not physical but angry rants sometimes out the blue.. abd the constant worry about £ and will he/won’t he pay his debts this month or ask to borrow yet more money from me (which leaves me very short for buying all but the very bare essentials i.e. food to survive).

I can see now the part of the nice old him yrs ago has gone …he has lost himself to depression and drugs. It’s killed me to watch his decline but also I resent how he has treated me. I also feel guilty that in effect I have enabled him to continue on this destructive path but it has felt impossible to stand up to him, when I do , the torment goes on for days.

I know practically what I need to do…in particular I need legal advice over finances and divorce..due to his mental health (with robust medical supporting evidence – so in theory he is the vulnerable one) he will have more than enough grounds to stay in the home we jointly own (even though I pay all bills) , and I am sure he will end up with far more out of the settlement than me leaving me never again being able to afford another home . I think I am coming to terms accepting that ….but my fear is he will go so off the rails when I leave , and he will end up dead or doing somethibg very stupid, and I don’t know if I can live with that guilt for rest of my life. I think that’s the final thing keeping me here…how on earth do I get over that emotional hurdle and get out for my own sanity ?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Loxzyx
You haven’t enabled him, non of his behaviour is your fault. Also, Mental Health is not an excuse to abuse.. it is a choice. Reading your post I can feel how responsible you feel towards your husband. He is an adult, he is responsible for his mental health and he should feel disgusted with himself for using MH as a reason to abuse you, the only person who has stuck by him.

I was a long term married, I left on my golden years… we share a home…. please get hold of some local DA trained solictors for free 30 mins advice.
Has any of his abuse been noted over the years with any professionals?

My husband threatened suicide mire than once, I was sick with anxiety as I believed that he might (he has no family/friends), he made it clear that he didn’t want to be alive without me and pur children…. I did ring the police to do a welfare check on my husband, I also rang our GP and told them that he had told me that he wanted to kill himself… during these times, I genuinely worried about him committing suicide… if he had of killed himself it wouldn’t of been my fault or my responsibility and that took time for me to understand but it is true. You don’t have to be blackmailed into staying with him, you deserve your own life and freedom.

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

[minimeerkat]

suicide threats are an excellent way of controlling us & our emotions, dont you think. your anxiety can be off the scale & the guilt is overwhelming. mentioning my concerns to the policewoman who wanted to take him into custody she said ‘but its what they do’. just so you know. even though its all very real & terrifying at the time. rights of women website is a good site for free legal advice. & hereforhelp is right about a solicitor experienced with domestic abuse. an old financial adviser helped me be able to buy my ex out & keep my home – & i dont even work! so there might just be possibilities for you. hope you are able to explore as many options available to you. thinking of you x

[LozzyX]

Thank you both for your replies and sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond. I’m finding life so overwhelming at the moment and didn’t want to face this again but another incident today has reminded me I need to take action now .

I did explore buying out before but the equity has gone up quite a bit , to be honest it’s probably for the best if we sell there’s too many bad memories here now . I am still worried sick about him even though I now he doesn’t deserve my concern …he certainly doesn’t give me the same consideration in return. He has been nothing but selfish and the last 2-3 years have been absolutely miserable . I’m kicking myself for staying and giving him chance after chance . He always finds a way of reeling me back in , lulls me into a false sense of security , like suddenly he is ok , and we get on great but it’s literally for a week at most then back to hell.

[LozzyX]

Thank you both for your replies and sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond. I’m finding life so overwhelming at the moment and didn’t want to face this again but another incident today has reminded me I need to take action now .

I did explore buying out before but the equity has gone up quite a bit , to be honest it’s probably for the best if we sell there’s too many bad memories here now . I am still worried sick about him even though I now he doesn’t deserve my concern …he certainly doesn’t give me the same consideration in return. He has been nothing but selfish and the last 2-3 years have been absolutely miserable . I’m kicking myself for staying and giving him chance after chance . He always finds a way of reeling me back in , lulls me into a false sense of security , like suddenly he is ok , and we get on great but it’s literally for a week at most then back to hell.

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