Really struggling today

[xxx22]

Depression is so bad today. I haven’t left the bed all day yet my anxiety is definitely making me aware of it. I hate this feeling, I hope my antidepressants kick in soon. I have only been taking them for about 5 days. I really want to message him and tell him how I’m feeling but I know I’ll be back in the cycle again especially as I’ve only just ended it.. I’m sure he is waiting for me to need him. But everything just feels so bad… Trying to stay strong x

[KIP.]

Just remember This Too Shall Pass x

[xxx22]

I hope sooner rather than later x x

[Camel]

Hi, I hope you’re feeling a bit better now?

The temptation to message can be strong, even when we know it’s a really bad idea. (Think drunk-texting.) So what I’ve previously done is write the number down, bury it in a drawer, then delete the number off the phone. This way it’s not so easy to fire off a message.

I understand this isn’t going to help with your depression. It’s just a helpful little thing to do while you’re gathering strength. x

[xxx22]

Yeah I got up about an hour ago to shower and get back ready for bed. I guess that’s not much progress but at least it isn’t being gross. I just started to occupy my mind and put a film on and then he texts me my name… here will come the paragraphs when he can’t live without me. It’s like he knows when to do it. I can’t block him yet because I am waiting for something to go to his house that I need to receive from him. But it never even lasts a day or two.. it happens every time

[Watersprite]

Today is hard – you are not alone in that x this too will pass. Try to break the contact – it will help you begin to heal. Otherwise he is in your head – still controlling. I remember having to sit on my phone to stop myself once – but that gets easier I promise now I see him for what he really is. Keep reaching out stay
Strong x

[Anonymous]

I remember actually physically sitting on my hands on a good few occasions… the temptation is so strong! The way I see it is that it’s kinda like drug withdrawal, you’re getting clean but everything hurts in the process because you’ve been used to it. It’s not been good for you but nevertheless it’s been what you are used to. It was the same for me. It’s toxic but it’s addictive because they’ve pushed and pulled you in so many ways and directions that somewhere along the line, you got hooked and you didn’t even know it. Hold on xxx22, you’re doing great, it does get better x

[xxx22]

I will keep trying. Thank you x x

[xxx22]

It’s funny because he keeps calling and messaging now to ‘check up on me’ because I’m not in a good place and he knows it’s because of him but he can’t stop caring about me and needs to know that I’m okay…
The sooner I can block the better but even than I know he will still contact me somehow. I just really don’t want him to try when I’m at a weak moment feeling my lowest

[Camel]

This thing that’s going to his house – any chance you can arrange for it to come direct to you? Or be notified once it’s been delivered?

Perhaps you can’t so have to keep your phone open to him. Texts are easier to handle. Give them a quick read and if there’s nothing about the delivery, delete. Don’t reply. Calls are tougher as you don’t know what he has to say. But you can control how they go. And end them at any time. You’re not obliged to answer questions or even listen to what he has to say. Try letting his calls go to voicemail.

[Hetty]

Really feel for you. With Christmas round the corner, c**p lockdown rules and dark winter days I feel myself feeling so sad. It’s not my ex – more my uncaring family but that’s a whole other story. Find myself wanting to be saved again. Well done for showering. Small steps. Be kind to yourself. I force myself to keep going. Cleaning, sorting, watching Netflix, anything to occupy my mind. I’ve been doing a lot of research re domestic abuse too which keeps me in the reality and not the fantasy.

[Thistle06]

Its so so hard every hour you get through every day that passes you will get stronger it will be hard some days and less so others you will get there xx

[xxx22]

Thank you guys so much for your responses.

I weirdly feel like I want to talk to him and miss him when he isn’t trying.. how crazy is that?

After (detail removed by Moderator) was announced for (detail removed by Moderator) today he messaged me to see if I will still see my dad in a support bubble. It’s like he was worried I would be alone for Christmas – he always seems like he cares about me so much and then I think ‘aww no it does all come from a good place’

I will keep resisting and hopefully the urge doesn’t get stronger. Have to fight it x

[Hawthorn]

If you can continue to fight it the urge will get weaker. Every hour, every day that passes it gets easier. Some days are harder than others but like others have said, be very kind to yourself. Eat a bit, sleep, drink plenty of fluids…and shower if you feel like it. All of these things are self care. Looking after yourself, starting with these small things, will help to build your strength further.

I got anxious when my ex finally gave up trying to contact me. And sad. So I dont think it’s crazy. The trauma bonding is potent stuff. It passed for me, it will pass for you too. You are so strong and you’ve already come so far, you got this. Sending hugs

[Author]

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