Recognising my low self esteem

[Robin]

I’m feeling so incredibly sad right now. I just want to cry. (detail removed by Moderator) i went to a works team day and christmas party in the evening. We have team awards where team members nominate others for support, work anything completed really. I was one of only 2 people in my immmediate team who didn’t receive a nomination and it just made me want to cry. I was sat there thinking what haven’t I done, i’m helpful. I’m pleased for the others but why is this acknowledgement so important to me?

I was surprised not to have any texts from him, asking how long i was going to be etc. When I got hom he was stretched out on the sofa, i’m not sure if he was awake or not. All he said to me was (detail removed by Moderator) . Then when I was washing he asked if he could use the sink and I asked him to wait and he said (detail removed by Moderator) . He wasn’t interested in how the evening was or anything. I went to bed and just cried, i had to stifle my sobs. I have never felt so alone as I did then. Just totatlly and overwhelmingly unhappy. This morning he asked how the evening was but I did then hear him talking to our youngest, saying that (detail removed by Moderator) . Am I expecting too much for him to be interested in what i do?

Then this morning I ask if he can take our son to an afterschool birthday party, just around the corner, on a day he is not at work and he said ‘no’. Just selfish.

I’m feeling really anxious about telling him I’m leaving. Sometimes I wqonder if I’m making a big fuss as he didn’t play up last night when I went to the party (he didn’t wish me a good time either!) but then I think I must be unhappy. Why else would I be crying?

[KIP.]

Hi there, please don’t tell him you’re leaving. Wait till you’re gone and safe then you can send a simple text or preferable a letter from a solicitor. It’s the indecision that is also dragging you down. The exhaustion of walking on egg shells, never knowing what’s coming next. Once you have space of your own to heal, your self esteem wil return in leaps and bounds without an albatross around your neck X

[SaharaD]

Hi Robin

If you want your self esteem to improve, it means getting rid of the thing or person that keeps putting you down. i.e. your abuser.

Sometimes the people at work who get the awards are the ones who are flamboyant and showy with their achievements or who suck up to management. You were alone because there was someone else who wasn’t recognized. Usually it’s those who work the hardest who are the least recognized so take heart in that.

Imagine a different scenario. You go out leaving your children in the care of someone competent. You focus on enjoying a rare night out. You aren’t expecting texts or an horrible impending return. Your kids rush to meet you when you return. You tell them all about it and they laugh freely. You organise your day with structure and no restrictions to take your child to the party. The kids go to bed happy after you exchange a few words to make sure they are ok. You get into bed early with your nightly routine: journal, face cream, mediation audio, tea,. you fall into a deep sleep and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to jump out of bed to start the day. You poke your head in on the kids and they remind you about something yo forgot from last night. You tell them that you will sort it out and put it into your diary. And start putting your day into motion.

Which scenario do you thing will make you sad and feel low self esteem and which you thing will make you feel content and boost yourself esteem.

I’m not saying every day will be like this when you get rid of your toxic abuser but I’m say 80% maybe more of your life will be like this instead of that rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts and confusion as occurred in your real current scenario.

He is the one making your question and doubt and grinding you down.

[Author]

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