Reconnecting with ex – doubts

[L-Love]

Hi everyone, newbie here. A few weeks ago I sent an email to Women’s Aid asking for advice. One of the things they suggested was to join this forum. So, here I am.

Up until (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, I was in an (emotionally and physically) abusive relationship that lasted for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years. The relationship wasn’t only bad: there were actually a lot of happy and positive moments as well, although those moments became increasingly rare as time went on. I eventually found the will and courage to get out – with the amazing support and help of my friends and family – and swore I would never let myself get into a situation like that ever again.

Flash forward to a little over (timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago, when I completely unexpectedly ran into my ex of said relationship. He seemed happy, and contrary to what I would’ve expected, that in turn made me feel happy. Since we both didn’t have anything to do, we ended up going for a coffee together and talked for over an hour. It was super fun and put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. We stayed in touch after that, and have talked to each other every single day for the past few weeks. We’ve met up a few more times as well, and we have also kissed. This is not something I planned, it just happened. Things haven’t gone any further, but I do think I may be developing feelings for him once again.

I definitely haven’t forgotten what our relationship was like, but I did forgive him a long time ago, and he genuinely seems like a different person now. And so am I. I know he’s worked through some stuff, but we haven’t really talked about any of that in detail just yet. He’s admitted that he finds it difficult, but he says he’s willing to have that conversation eventually.

The truth is there is still a strong connection and chemistry between us, and I think there always will be.

I haven’t told anyone about this, because in a way I feel ashamed reconnecting and possibly developing feelings for someone that hurt me in the past and that everyone I love worked so hard to get out of my life all those years ago. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m selfish and stupid and that I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I have.

I remember what it felt like to be afraid.
I remember what it felt like to be in pain.
I remember what it felt like to feel useless.
I remember all of it, and yet somehow, I can look at him now and see a different person.

I hope you can give me some honest advice. Am I completely insane for redeveloping these feelings? Is there any way this can work out the second time around?

Like I said, there was a time when the relationship was perfect, and these past few weeks have felt perfect, too. I want to pursue this really bad, but there’s a small voice inside me that’s telling me not to, although I’m not sure if that’s me being cauteous or me dreading the reaction of my friends and family, and I just feel torn.

I am super nervous sharing this, but there is no one else I can go to. Please tell me what your thoughts on this are, and feel free to be absolutely honest.

[Lisa]

Hi L-Love,

This is a really difficult position for you to be in. I hope that some of the other women will be able to share their opinions with you soon, based on their own experiences. I can say a few things from a professional point of view. One of the features of domestic abuse, part of what makes it so confusing, is that there are really good times mixed in with the bad. Abusers mix in just enough of these good times to keep their partner questioning the abuse and to stop them from leaving. It’s common for abusers to be very loving and attentive at the start of a relationship, to seem like a perfect partner and to progress things quickly.

It might help to think back to the last time you were getting to know this man, did the beginning feel similar to how things are going now? How long did he maintain that perfection before the abuse started? Unfortunately, real change amongst abusers is extremely unlikely but they do use promises of change and temporary shows of this to stop partners leaving or get them to return. Perhaps write down what you have to gain from a relationship with him vs what you could lose if his behaviour isn’t truly changed, it could help you think about whether it’s a risk that you’re willing to take.

I appreciate how difficult it must have been to share this but I’m really glad that you have.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Cherries]

Hi

One thing I have learned, though not well enough…this stuff is HARD…is its not just about them. Theres the negative space too. I miss an awful lot of red flags because I was raised to think they were normal.

I am learning that no matter how much they promise to change or say they have, change is extremely difficult.

I find it just as difficult to spot things now as I did years back. My old habits of making excuses for them are still there…albeit dressed up differently.

At the root of it if I am still the same, then Im not going to miraculously attract something better. People spot something vulnerable in me. Perhaps unconsciously.

I can tell you I think to be wary. I think that a person who has solid self esteem repels abusive people…why would you entertain someone who treated you badly? They don’t smile and have coffee with them. Me. Im a massive People pleaser and remained friendly with my ex for years because my self esteem is that bad Im more afraid of hurting him than I am looking after myself sometimes.

I think what Im trying to say is forget what he says. People lie. Even to themselves. Have YOU changed. Have you put work in and healed what attracted him in the first place?

It’s not uncommon for abuse survivors to keep repeating patterns, even with different partners.

We as victims/survivors have work to do too.

Please be careful. You got out once for a good reason x

[Toffeeapple]

Hi L -Love

I had many happy times with my husband too. They were almost non existent by the time I left. Nowadays we’re advised to make good memories but you can’t in an abusive relationship because its not a normal relationship. My family were supportive when I left. They believed me, they didn’t have to but they did. Nearly every day I cry because I want to go back, the trauma bond is so strong. I know its strong because I nearly lost my life when my daughter was born. My husband was manipulating me so I went no contact and am now divorcing him. My family wouldn’t be too happy with me if I returned. Some people say you put yourself in danger, the abuse will get worse if you return. I think they’re right, some abusers may want revenge. My advice is take your time and do what is right for you. Take care of yourself. Toffeeapple x

[FreshStart21]

Hi

I reconnected with my ex husband after my ex boyfriend died… He was saying things like it will be good for you to be with my children, living together again. We was going through a divorce at the time.

I packed up my flat and got rid of most of my things. Went back to being with him, The abuse was a lot worse for me, he was jealous because he didn’t know my friends who he could control. I was also working in a job where I worked sleeped in for 48 hours…

One night he was drunk and abused me emotionally for (timeframe removed by Moderator) hours . I stayed downstairs and he wouldn’t leave me alone… He woke me up the following morning pouring a lager over my head, he then kicked me hard in (detail removed by Moderator) when I stood up he shoved me into (detail removed by Moderator).

I went upstairs to pack my case he was verbally abusive and so was my son.., my son packed up my large cases. Anyways I got on the phone with my friend and she said give me the green light to ring the police. I said green. The police were with me within 10 minutes. l has him arrested for domestic assault.

A leopard never change their spots

[FreshStart21]

Be very careful with him… Perhaps suggest couples counselling before you decide to take it to the next level… See what his reaction is. Also you aren’t living together at the moment and as you said nobody knows you are seeing him again. It is exciting for you and he is being on his best behaviour with you, showing you how it will be if you got back together.

You worked hard to escape him, next time you might not get that chance again.

Take care and sending hugs to you.

Keep posting.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi L-Love

i don’t have experience of this but I have a friend who this happened to, so I’ll just relate what she told me.

She said that she found it much more difficult to leave the second time because she had lost credibility with all the people who had helped and supported her the first time.

She felt that he knew this and it made it easier for him to be as or more abusive the second time around, because in one swipe he’d managed to destroy her credibility with her entire friend and family group.

[L-Love]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for this much needed reality check. Your responses really made me think about a lot of things and I ultimately decided to stop seeing him. He was disappointed, but respectful and understanding of my decision.

Thank you again, for taking the time to hear what I had to say and for being honest in your thoughts.

-L

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