Reconnecting with ex – doubts

[L-Love]

Hi everyone, newbie here. A few weeks ago I sent an email to Women’s Aid asking for advice. One of the things they suggested was to join this forum. So, here I am.

Up until (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, I was in an (emotionally and physically) abusive relationship that lasted for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years. The relationship wasn’t only bad: there were actually a lot of happy and positive moments as well, although those moments became increasingly rare as time went on. I eventually found the will and courage to get out – with the amazing support and help of my friends and family – and swore I would never let myself get into a situation like that ever again.

Flash forward to a little over (timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago, when I completely unexpectedly ran into my ex of said relationship. He seemed happy, and contrary to what I would’ve expected, that in turn made me feel happy. Since we both didn’t have anything to do, we ended up going for a coffee together and talked for over an hour. It was super fun and put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. We stayed in touch after that, and have talked to each other every single day for the past few weeks. We’ve met up a few more times as well, and we have also kissed. This is not something I planned, it just happened. Things haven’t gone any further, but I do think I may be developing feelings for him once again.

I definitely haven’t forgotten what our relationship was like, but I did forgive him a long time ago, and he genuinely seems like a different person now. And so am I. I know he’s worked through some stuff, but we haven’t really talked about any of that in detail just yet. He’s admitted that he finds it difficult, but he says he’s willing to have that conversation eventually.

The truth is there is still a strong connection and chemistry between us, and I think there always will be.

I haven’t told anyone about this, because in a way I feel ashamed reconnecting and possibly developing feelings for someone that hurt me in the past and that everyone I love worked so hard to get out of my life all those years ago. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m selfish and stupid and that I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I have.

I remember what it felt like to be afraid.
I remember what it felt like to be in pain.
I remember what it felt like to feel useless.
I remember all of it, and yet somehow, I can look at him now and see a different person.

I hope you can give me some honest advice. Am I completely insane for redeveloping these feelings? Is there any way this can work out the second time around?

Like I said, there was a time when the relationship was perfect, and these past few weeks have felt perfect, too. I want to pursue this really bad, but there’s a small voice inside me that’s telling me not to, although I’m not sure if that’s me being cauteous or me dreading the reaction of my friends and family, and I just feel torn.

I am super nervous sharing this, but there is no one else I can go to. Please tell me what your thoughts on this are, and feel free to be absolutely honest.

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