Reporting emotion abuse (gas lighting) to the police…

[Backtobeingme]

Hi there,
Obviously I’m new here!
I wondered if anyone here had reported their ex partners emotionally abusive behaviour to the police?
I split from my ex husband quite a while ago now. He had an affair, we tried to carry on for a while but I was getting more and more ill. Eventually he threw me out of the house saying I had to leave because I wasn’t well enough to look after the kids. He gave me no choice. Once I had left, although devastated that I could only see the kids at the weekends my depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts mysteriously (!) disappeared almost overnight. I gradually came out of the fog and realised what a hold he had on me. I no longer felt I was walking on eggshells and the relief was immeasurable. I started fighting to have the kids for longer and longer.
I am now so much stronger, happier and confident. I am in a stable, supportive and longterm relationship and plan to get married. Close family and friends have celebrated the fact that I’m back to the old me!
However, the Ex has continued to try and control me through the kids. I have built up my own defence system and as I can’t change him, I have changed the way I deal with him. I have taken every bit of emotion out of my responses to him and only answering to essential information, even though I want to respond to every bit of criticism he throws at me and tell him exactly what think of him.
He took me to court when I said I wanted to move 30 miles away and take the kids with me (over the years, I have been having the kids 50/50 plus extra time when he is at work, he uses 4 0r 5 people as child care and spends a maximum of 3 evenings a week with them. I work during school hours, use no child care and very rarely use babysitters, I am there for the kids every day they are with me).
He is constantly disappointed, upset or angry with me. He has denied me contact with his parents who I was close to and live round the corner from me. He won’t let our daughter take her phone to his house but constantly texts her when she is with me. He dictates what I am to do with the children during my time (which when I don’t allow results in a barrage of insults). He withholds medical decisions and doesn’t communicate about appointments, then criticises me for not communicating about menial things. He has insisted I pay for his share of mediation costs, which he has refused to attend on 5 different occasions.
The kids say they are fed up with him telling what they’re thinking. They have been told to take off the clothes they were in from my house so they could soak them in vanish to ‘get Mummy’s germs out’.
And that’s just for starters.
There’s so much more than this and it has been going on for years now.
I have come to the point where nothing I do makes any difference and his abuse is actually increasing. I go to counselling for this which has helped but I still get very anxious if he calls, texts or emails.
I have to do something about this otherwise it will continue and I’m not prepared to be that scared little mouse again. It affects the children too much. We keep discussions away from them but he tells them he’s angry with me or that I’ve done something wrong. I’m not prepared to put up with it any longer.
I am going to go to court to try and change the child arrangements we have but I know from previous experience that this will not stop the abuse.
Does anyone have experience of reporting this kind of behaviour to the police and how to go about it?

Thanks in advance.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Backtobeingme,

I don’t have kids so i’m limited to what I can advise about this. Very well done though for making the break and starting a new life, what a wonderful achievement that is. It sounds to me as though he is aggrieved that you are doing well & have moved on. I think the saying is The best form of revenge is success! He is the one that brought it on with his affair and abusive tactics now he is trying to bring you down as you brushed yourself down and carried on. Good for you and stuff him! There are many many books available on Covert Manipulation, I have just started reading Covert Emotional Manipulation Exposed by John Mentory, I think this is free to read on Amazon. Invisible Chains is another good book on this subject as is 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships. You are doing so well, can you just let all of his silly beghavour go over your head do you think? The other women on here will be able to advise you too. X*X

[Ayanna]

Hi, well done for holding out against this a… for so long. I admire you.
For some time coercive control is a punishable crime.
If you can proof that the emotional abuse is coercive control you can report him and the chances are good that he gets charged.
Speak to Rights of Women how to best approach this. x*x

[KIP.]

Hello, i would suggest you get in touch with your local womens aid. You can ring the helpline number on here. I would also stop all contact with him. The children can have a contact book or diary in which any appointments can be shared. They just bring the contact book with them. Do you have someone who can act as a go between. A family member. You need to start collecting evidence. Any emails or texts. You can speak to a domestic abuse officer first for advice. Have you spoken to his parents to see how they feel. Its not upto your ex to decide who you see. If you do have to have contact, do it by email via a third party who can read the emails for you and just tell you the basics. Not his threats etc and you can show the police or the courts his behaviour. You need to build up a bigger picture with evidence he cannot deny x

[SilkyHalide]

Hi
I have children but they are older and brainwashed. No contact gives you more thinking time but also it reduces the opportunities for him to manipulate how the children view things.
Read ‘how to do no contact like a boss’ by Kim saeed she refers to modified contact alternative for parents in our position
It sounds like he has less grip on your children than mine has so before you act against him make sure you have safeguarded your relationship with your children. Get lots of emotional advice as well as legal. I was very naive.
Keep posting and reading everyone here is so helpful and supportive

[Backtobeingme]

Wow, thank you!!
I have had some great support from a barrister friend this week who has helped me get a plan into place for each eventuality. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get worse because I am taking control, but at least I know I have support both in person and now online!
I love the idea of a contact diary, fantastic! Each handover day I get a looooong text to tell me what I did wrong the previous week, what he’s done that week and what I need to carry on doing. I have looked into parallel parenting instead of shared parenting. I have tried online diary and contact form but he’s refused that. I’m hoping a judge will tell him what to do and make it legally binding.
For now that plan is to sort out the care arrangements for the kids through the court then once I move, if his behaviour continues, I can start to build a case to take to the police.

[Ayanna]

Google Chayn Labs: How to build your own domestic abuse case without a lawyer.
There is plenty of material that will help you build your case at a high level, so that the court will accept it. x*x

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