Residue shame, how could I have loved him

[RoseSprigs]

He was so cruel. He was a racist and a misogynist, violent and aggressive. I let him not only into my life, but the lives of everyone around me. He threatened the lives of my best friends and people I loved. He insulted my family and my true self: sexuality, passions, opinions.

I feel so much shame today. So much guilt, self hatred, weakness. How can I forgive myself for not being stronger and standing up for what I believe in and protecting the people I love? In messages between us I tell him I love him, that I am his forever and will do whatever I can for him.

I believe it was coercive control but I can’t help but blame myself. There were so many times I should’ve done differently and I always froze, always was just who I thought he wanted me to be. I really don’t know how I can live with myself. I feel so ashamed, so weak

[RoseSprigs]

And going back through all the messages: he was so manipulative and I felt that at the time and I just gave myself to it, allowed myself to be manipulated. Why?

[BellaBella]

Hello RoseSprigs,

You’re not alone in feeling like this, unfortunately I could have written your post myself 🙁 and I’m sure there are lots of us feeling the same.

Talking therapy really helped me with this part of recovery because no matter how much I thought about it myself, I couldn’t believe what I’d allowed to happen!

The truth is, it’s all on the abuser, we are not in control of our own thoughts or minds at that time and it can take a long time before we truly are again.

All the self recrimination in the world wont solve this one for you, so stop it! It’s not your fault at all.

The secret is to be strong now 🙂 Accept what you can’t change and be kind to yourself for what you’ve been through.

Take good care 🙂

[RoseSprigs]

Hi BellaBella,

Thank you for your message! It really helps to feel solidarity with others, even though that means acknowledging how big the problem really is; how many of us are victims to this.

I’ve been on a waiting list for Talking Therapy for months now and am not sure how long I’ll be waiting. Do you know any way of accessing a survivor specific therapy sooner (aside from looking privately). All my local DV services seem out of date and more for people in need of escape plans and secure accommodation.

[BellaBella]

Hi RoseSprigs,

You’re more than welcome 🤗

Months is a long time, I think both times mines been really quick but while waiting I did have and IDVA then Support Worker who were really good ears in the meantime.

I’m not sure of any DV specific ones but it might be worth calling one of the helplines for advice on this, also we have a mental health nurse at our GP who was a godsend, maybe your GP could signpost you?

I hope you manage to access what you need soon 😊

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes the feelings of shame are so bad. That you ‘let’ this happen, I totally get it. The self blame is awful. I just need to hear amazing, strong, clever, beautiful women talking about how it happened to them to, and then somehow, I can believe that it wasn’t some weakness in me. Because I can see it wasn’t a weakness in them. If anything their ‘weaknesses’ are that they’re trusting and didn’t realize such horrible people existed in the world, they’re conscientious and keep trying to make a relationship work, they’re loyal and stick around trying to help, and they’re flexible and strong and believe they can cope with it. The self blame is a tough one to work through I’m still up and down with it. The women in my dv (freedom and (programme name removed by Moderator)) groups are amazing and help me to see that it’s not us who are the problem, it’s them. Believe it.

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