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It is my strong belief that my ex is very damaging to my kids.
Despite the fact he never cared, I had to fight him in court about his behaviour. No one believed me. He was just doing it to try take the things he knew were most precious to me. I knew this.
I was advised to let the kids go to see him, to not say anything negative, to just let them overdose on the horrid man, and that is what I did. Experts told me he would tire of them and the kids would see him for who he was.
They were right. My eldest keeps going back
Like a yo-yo, I think hopeful it will get better with his dad, but he’s now gone back to fists cling himself from his dad for a long period; and my ex has routinely started to deliver my youngest home early each time ( contravening the court arrangement!) as I knew he would do eventually.If I had engaged in a battle or made any noise about him having them, or argued about timing etc, he would have been fired up to use the kids and take them etc. The fact I have maintained silence and allowed the kids to go without a fight means that my ex had nothing to fight against to deflect attention away from himself and his own relationship with the kids. I couldn’t be used as the fall guy. 💛
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I couldn’t agree more Serenity, I am finding this to be my experience too. As time goes on my kids are wanting to be with their dad less and less. All the desperation of a couple of years ago has gone and they can see things as they are. They also gain confidence in me, despite my stress and upsets, because I have proved to be consistent and genuine in my love for them. My ex has now given a list if dates he can’t have them, so interest is waning. I had no faith in this while it was going through court, I was so scared I’d lose them. Someone told me, around 4 years before I actually managed to leave, that it would be easier on the children sooner rather than later. They were so right, but instead I listened to my abuser telling me I’d ruin me everyones lives. I am so grateful to have escaped hopefully in time to prevent any further harm. It must be so painful when children side with abusers or are sent to live with abusers by courts. My heart goes out to mothers who have to face this, and my admiration – I’m not sure I’d have survived it.
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I think that both Falling Skys & KIP are having problems with kids siding or being manipulated by their ex, its heartbreaking to hear. Serenity well done on taking your subtle but knowledgeable stance with the reverse psychology. Its extremely satisfying to think there is actually a way women can manage the abuse, rise above it and achieve pay back. Why should we be destroyed. Admittedly when you are in the thick of it and being gas lighted and love bombed to get the upper hand is not always possible but post split it is, No Contact is the key I think. X*X
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Everyone knows it; even the courts. These men drop in and out of their children’s lives, and get a kick out of messing with the mother, still trying to prove whose got control. They just want to come out on top. They don’t care about the damage they do, its all collateral. They still want their children’s mother on remote control, even when they’ve met someone else and when they mess up it’s all her fault because she messed him up when she left him or she was a b***h or mad. They do not parent healthily, their relationship style is abusive after all. In my opinion domestic abuse should be reclassified as family abuse so that it is understood that the ‘dominator’ is an abuser of everyone in the family and the abuser should lose their parental rights. Let the whole family survive. It’s such a personal issue with me. I would have got free of abuse but I felt I had to trade my welfare for my child’s.
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