Rollercoaster

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi,
I recently left my ex and it feels like I’m still on a roller coaster that never stops.
Yesterday I was able to talk with a lovely lady from WA and it felt good to let some things out and she listened and said she understood. This helped so much Yesterday…but today iv woke up with the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, like dread, sick feeling. How do you regulate these feelings? I no I did the best thing leaving, I dont ever want to go back. How can’t I just focus on moving forward instead of worrying about the past, the present, or even what happens next. Trying to take a day at a time but its really difficult when I go from being ok to wanting to hide away from the world.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Accepting that for a while it will be a rollercoaster ride but the highs and lows will slowly disappear and eventually the rollercoaster becomes like a train journey. I found mindfulness really useful in grounding me in the moment but time and zero contact are the most important things and to be very kind to yourself. You’ve been through a terrible trauma and that takes time. Some good therapy also helped me x

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi kip, thanks for your reply. It’s a struggle I am fighting every other day just now. I find it hard to concentrate sometimes, my heart feels like it’s going so fast. I’m taking time this weekend to myself but with work and kids it’s difficult. Telling myself I’m safe, and I did the right thing getting away, only help so much. My home feels like my safety net just now but I don’t want to be stuck in so forcing myself to go out which in turn makes me feel anxious. I will continue to push through this because this is not me. Can u recommend a good book? I have gone no contact and will not break that. But I no the feeling of loss is high, and the urge for the one that caused this to make it better? How messed up is that

[KIP.]

Google Trauma bonding. Some good books are Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Talk to your GP. I had post traumatic stress disorder and many victims do too. Some good counselling and learning about the effects of abuse and comping mechanisms will help. Limit yourself to what you take on each day. No added stresses and have you thought about reporting his abuse? It might not be the right thing for you now but keep all the evidence you can as when you reach the anger stage you may well decide to. I did and it empowered me.

[Eggshells]

I’d love to say I did it by some amazing natural way but I had beta blockers and antidepressants which are more just anti anxiety – a very low dose. Try not to drink alcohol – when it wears off it can heighten anxiety. Hang on in there. It is a rollercoaster so you can rely on the fact that this will pass and go away for a while. The time between anxious periods will get longer and the anxiety will get shorter and shorter. xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi eggshells,
Thanks for reply. I stopped drinking last year as things were worse with ex if I did, accusations of things I supposedly said or did. And have continued not to to remain clear headed. Tablets have never helped me before so not going down that route either. I’m fronting this out as I want “me” back. It’s just tough on days when I feel like this. I don’t no if reading or educating myself on this situation helps or not. I want to get thru this and work on myself, just lacking in confidence and what to do for the best right now. I have never had anxiety before and this feels overwhelming at times.

[Hetty]

Been there and still am. For weeks I was elated and running on adrenaline. Now it’s lots of ups and downs. I read ‘why does he do that?’ Was a real eye opener in terms of why these men can’t/won’t change. I also just did a lot of watching videos on YouTube about domestic abuse to educate myself.
In terms of self care I just did what felt ok and was my own best friend. I’ve really paired back to a very simple life. I haven’t touched alcohol in 7 months. I wasn’t a big drinker anyway but I just didn’t want to put anything into my body that might impact my fragile mood and ability to regulate. I have started a five minute mediation every morning. Trying to clear my mind of negativity as much as possible as when we are thinking back over the past our brains and bodies will still believe we are unsafe. I also took up gardening and upcycling furniture. I was never into any of these things but doing these things now have helped me rediscover my creative self. Things I didn’t have time for when living with my ex who sucked my time and energy. I also make time to call friends even when I don’t feel like it. I always feel better after a chat. How you’re feeling is totally normal. I have wanted to seek comfort from my ex when life has thrown up challenges. It feels so unfair and sad to be doing this alone but we have to remember the hurt and pain they’ve caused ❤️

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi hetty, It is very unfair and I get angry that he has just got on with life or so I presume while I’m left rebuilding and struggling. I don’t no if for me reading about why they do, will help, for me right now. I feel, that I try to fix others and want to, for once put me first and work on me, does that make sense? My natural instinct i suppose is to obsorb information and find out why he/they do this but im trying to figure instead why I attrack them and therefore fix me instead. Iv listened to some pod casts that I feel are relevant. In some ways I no my own mind but in others I need reassurance from someone that I’m on the right track. Iv gone from a fairly strong independent person to this shell of me, who is unsure and flapping around like an injured bird.
My other flaw if u like, is blocking things out or putting things in boxes and dealing with one thing at a time, but I no this is not always helpful and doesn’t work well long term. I would like to find a hobby to focus on, I’m just not sure what yet, due to concentration issues.
Lockdown also has its pros and cons. Grateful of the isolation at times and no need to go out beyond essentials, but then the fact I feel so stuck and can’t escape. Like a double edged sword x

[Hetty]

It will come in time. One day at a time is all you can do. Don’t overthink fixing yourself. You’ll heal in your own time in your own way ❤️ When I found my mind racing I grounded myself with simple things like cooking a meal, tidying the house, going on a walk with my child. Lockdown is a double edged sword for sure. I’ve liked a slower pace of life in some ways but then I’ve had a lot of time alone and overthinking xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Yes the overthinking brain is another hurdle, which I battle. As I’m sure we all do in trying to make sense of things. Thank you for your kind words and tips, I appreciate you taking the time.
Everyone is so kind here, I’m glad I found this, as sharing my thoughts is helping x

[Author]

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