Rude son

[Serenity]

Hello,

I’ve not posted for a while and hope that all you ladies are coping as well as can be.

As it’s lockdown, my ex doesn’t have his usual audience – at music events, pubs and festivals – to boost his ego. He’s gone from virtually abandoning the kids to now ringing them almost every day.

My (removed by moderator) son ( who he has seen the most ) has greatly deteriorate in his treatment of me. He’s always had the propensity to be critical – especially as he is going to or returns from his dad’s ( he’s (removed by moderator) now ). But it’s been getting worse. (removed by moderator), I had a mouthful of swearing.

I need to break the cycle. I know it might be partly his age, but I am pretty sure that my ex is affecting things too. I am very hurt, but a bigger part of me also refuses to go through it again, with my son this time. His criticisms- of my house, the food I buy, things I do, his (removed by moderator) etc – remind me of my ex. It’s triggering. It’s also 24/7.

Any advice would be much appreciated. My ex has a long term undertaking requiring him not to contact me directly, but he’s now telling my sons I should be in contact with him.

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I’m not sure how old your son is, but if he’s approaching his teens then some of this is going to be male teen behaviour and him trying to exercise Alpha Male in the house. I had this with my son for a few years through his teens and it has been very testing at times. During his younger years I used to be patient with his anger due to what he’d witnessed with me and his dad, but as he got older I knew I couldn’t keep making excuses for him.

Yes, you may see him replicate his dad’s behaviour, but I found that telling my son that he was treating me like his dad used to, did not go down well with him. Although I knew it myself, I had to stop telling him that. My son also looks very much like his dad and they have the same eyes, so when my son started to give me ‘that look’ it was also quite hard to deal with!

I had to resort to really firm parenting. And I mean firm. I had to stand my ground and prove to him that I was the parent and he was the child, it was ME who was in charge in this house, not HIM. Punishments would be the removal of his mobile phone for a week (I paid for it anyway) and removal of his PS4. On one occasion he searched the house and found his PS4 and looked very smugly at me when I came home to find him on it, so without a word, I unplugged it (that caused an outcry as it is supposed to be shut down a certain way) and I then took it to work and locked it at work in my desk. The time it was confiscated for doubled due to him searching for it and finding it. Other times, if he was getting angry and yelling at something then the Wi-Fi would get switched off and stay off for the entire night. This would impact on me too as I couldn’t get online, but I had to be firm.

He would stomp up the stairs, stomp around in his bedroom, slam drawers and doors, but I stayed firm. I’d sit downstairs crying but would not let him see this. There were times when I’d wonder how I’d get through his teenage years. However, he started to learn that his actions had consequences.

Now I have a wonderful and responsible young man who has a job, drives a car, still lives at home and we have a great mother son relationship.

[White Rose]

Hi Serenity old friend.
I’ve not been on here for months either, not quite sure why I came on either – except “he’s” flexing muscles again being his usual idiotic self with his children – they’re all adult now and strong enough together to resist his advances.
From what you write it all sounds a bit like you had with eldest son around the same age, what do you think? That was hard as you’d recently left and were still healing. You managed his behaviours brilliantly and I know you’ll do the same but it won’t necessarily be easier this time round.
Want to help is right you’re the boss, lay down the rules and stick to them. He’s flexing his muscles fuelled by hormones and a teenage brain that has no logic!
You’ve got this, you’ve got all the skills to deal with him, maybe just need a bit more strength. It will pass, it will get better, keep stribg, keep that swan swimming
Much love x*x

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

Wants to Help : it sounds like you did a great job being firm – well done!

White Rose : how lovely to hear from you! I’m sorry that your ex is playing up. They don’t have their usual audience during these times, and we suffer for it! Do you know, I have forgotten certain things about my eldest at that age. Maybe because he was such a victim of my ex, I am focussing mostly in that. Funnily enough, my eldest was saying how he finds it hard not to get involved when my youngest is rude to me, because it reminds him of how he was to me, and he feels guilty about that and so wants to stop my youngest from being so towards me! So he’s turned out ok. Thanks, you are right : a bit more strength is what’s needed.

Things are a bit better at the moment. I told my youngest that, in no uncertain terms, wound I tolerate such behaviour. Time to be tough : I’m possibly raising future husbands here! x

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