Rules apply to me only

[Indeepindance]

Hi all, I just need to understand whether I should find this as degrading as I do. My boyfriend set multiple house rules against me that he himself did not follow. I should mention it was his house. But I find this unbearable as he so closely monitored what and how I’m doing things that I became jumpy and when I saw him do the opposite it angered and upset me. Sometimes I’d mention it but would be put in my place and told to be humble. Sometimes I’m falsely accused of doing something wrong and when I try to explain I’m told I’m taking it personally or being defensive/childish and just need to own it. This could be down to positioning the toilet seat, how to wash up, how to close a door e.g. Every sound I make is investigated and eyes were on me a lot of the time. Was this behaviour unreasonable/abusive?

Thanks

[Lisa]

Hi Indeepindance,

This behaviour was both unreasonable and abusive. He was very controlling, which came across in your other post too. It doesn’t matter that it was his house, if you’re living there together then it’s your home too. You are both adults and it’s not his place to set rules for you to follow. He was setting you up to fail to give himself excuses to get angry or put you down and blame you for his behaviour. It sounds like such a suffocating atmosphere to have lived in.

The Freedom Programme is an information programme designed to help women make sense of their experiences of domestic abuse. It might be something that could be helpful if you wanted to learn more about the tactics used by abusers.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Indeepindance]

Hi Lisa,

Thank you, your reply has made me cry so much as I finally feel understood. I’ve been worrying for so long that I’m too sensitive, inconsiderate, reactive, difficult, all the things he said about me. I’ve analysed myself so much and continue to do so as if I messed it all up.

Sometimes I did feel childish pointing out things he’d done that he’d said weren’t acceptable, he’d either respond by calling it out as t*t-for-tat and humiliate me or he would say ‘you don’t need to worry about that, I’m comfortable with it and speak that over me in a firm tone like he was saying how dare I challenge him in his own home.
And he did remind me often it was his home not mine. Other times he would say why don’t you just correct what I did instead of getting your own back, much quicker to just turn the light off for me if I’ve forgotten? (Although he would always come to find me if he found something wrong). He brought washing up into the bedroom once to show me,I was shocked and was able that time to make him see how over the top it was.

Sometimes he would own up and say thanks for pointing it out and see, I can take responsibility like an adult without getting upset, why can’t you? Again I felt silly, but annoyed at the same time because of course how else COULD he respond after telling me to grow up so often? And not wanting to hear my ‘excuses’ (explanations) yet sometimes he would provide his own explanations why he hadn’t done something ‘properly’. If only I’d said to him I don’t want to hear excuses! But it would’ve sparked a major row about me being sarcastic and vindictive.

Suffocating it really was and I think made me very insecure in other ways, that the relationship was on a knife edge as I caught him eyeing me sometimes as if to say are you really the right person for me. I pretended not to be rattled and carried on as normal as I could but the knot was in my stomach.

He was so loving and protective though, but I still couldn’t visualise this future we’d planned without feeling desperately sad.

Thanks so much for reading this post too, there are so many strands to what happened that I’m trying to pull together into one big piece, as they only seem to appear separately or one at a time in my thoughts, making it seem like I bolted for not a good enough reason. It’s like my memory refuses to let me see the bigger picture so your reply to this one (small I’d thought) strand has really opened my eyes and validated the feelings I had when I was living it. A big shock too to hear you say that alone was abusive.

I’ve heard about the Freedom Programme thank you- still not brave enough to go as found out I know the facilitator and am not ready for people to know what I’ve been through, it’s all too close to home. Xxxxxx

[Indeepindance]

I was also often told to ‘humble myself’ during these interactions and wish I’d looked up the full definition of a humble person before I left, as he claimed to be one.

I realise now a truly humble person would never claim to be, or tell someone else to be. Let alone the judgemental and disrespectful nature of his observations of myself and others, and refusal to listen or see another perspective. Really would love to point that out to him now but it would be met with ‘why do you always have to take everything out of context’ or ‘don’t try to be smart’ because you’re not clever.

These are the things I wish would stay at the forefront of my mind!

[Author]

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