Running out of excuses/what do I tell him??

[equinoxal]

Basically it’s pretty much an unwritten rule in our relationship (by him- not my choice by any means) that every free moment we have must be spent together. That means that sometimes I’m on the phone to him for an average of 9 hours a day. He will even stay on the phone to me when he’s eating at a restaurant with his family. I personally find this exhausting and suffocating especially as I’m very introverted, but he has problems being alone (he’s admitted this before) so me telling him I just want to have some alone time would be a terrible idea as he would take it as a declaration of me falling out of love with him or something equally ridiculous.

This has led to me making up many, many contrived excuses for why I haven’t called or replied to his texts. He can’t accept that I might want to spend time with my family or just be alone so I’m forced to make up reasons if I want to avoid an argument. I feel bad about lying to him but I need to have some alone time if only to maintain my sanity.

Except it’s been happening more frequently lately, and I’m running out of excuses. At least 4 or 5 times I’ve told him I was coming home from work and then didn’t respond to his texts for hours. I know this is wrong but sometimes my mum has wanted to watch a film with me and he hates me choosing my family over him so I can’t tell him the real reason unless I want him to sulk or start a fight. Tonight I was so tired when I came in that I just fell asleep and woke up two hours after I was supposed to call him. I can’t tell him the truth because he will tell me I’m selfish and rude and we’ll get into another fight.

What do I tell him?! We spent two hours the other night talking about how inconsiderate I was to not text him. And then he told me that the next time it happens, I have to agree to give him my next pay check.
Could somebody give me some advice? I have no idea how to handle him. I feel sick with anxiety and fear in anticipation of his anger.

[lover of no contact]

There is no proper way to handle him. He knows what he is doing. He is encroaching on your time, your space, your energy. Its good you have come on here and written out the reality of what you are living with and have to deal with. Keep doing that and by reading the other posts you will see his patterns of behaviour are not unique to him.

I would also advise you to ring Women’s Aid tomorrow and tell them what you’ve told us. They will enlighten you further. Also read the book ‘Why does he do that-Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Just read your post, i take it u r not married to this guy, which will be a very good thing, he is going to exhaust u mentally and emotionally with his insecurites and fromm what i can see its a way to controlu, my ex di this constantly phoning me to see what i am doing , meeting up every weekend and this was when we were dating, when we got marrieed it got worser. When i read posts like this i feel straight away i have to warn u end the relationship on basis u both think differently, how dare he says just cause u didnt respond to him u have to give your next pay check tohim, tell him to f off, dont let this man get into your head, please call the help line to get support how to leave controlling men

[equinoxal]

Thanks for your responses, Confused & no contact. I’ve been trying to get through to Women’s Aid all day but keeps saying lines are busy. In any case he ignored me all day but was surprisingly not as angry as I thought he would be (as he usually is?), in fact he’s been in good spirits! However he’s used the fact I haven’t spent much time with him against me and now I can’t go to sleep when I’m tired tonight. I guess that’s better than an hour of him stone walling me though. xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Keep trying with the Women’s Aid line, or any other helpline.

Do you have the Kindle app on your phone? If so I’d recommend the books by (removed by moderator) you can get free samples. Also if you get the chance look up “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It will help explain his behaviour and why you feel the way you do.

Keep posting here as the women are amazing.

Good luck xx

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