Scared and feeling guilty to leave

[brokenputty]

I sent a very long email to Womans Aid about my situation, I am reluctant to copy the email as it’s so long. They want me to call when I can but I’m struggling to find a good time.
I’m basically in an abusive relationship which is made up of constant emotional abuse and there has been violence towards me in the past… it wouldn’t take much for his temper to flare up in an argument and do it again.

When I tried to leave last time, about (detail removed by moderator), because he threatened to smash my head in with an object and went to do it but stopped when I had a full on anxiety attack. He said that he was going to come to my work and get me sacked as he knows it’s the most important thing to me which is mine and mine alone. I’ve told my boss about this who is very supportive. He said he would ‘join forces’ and go to court with my ex to get back any money owed (I don’t owe my ex anything, he was equally as abusive). He paid for the deposit & first months rent on our flat that we moved into not so long ago. I said I would pay back half to him but I just know I’ll never be able to afford it so he’s using that against me too. I am paying half the rent at the moment and it’s crippling me and he knows it. He buys lavish, expensive gadgets for the home and I can barely afford basic clothing from cheap shops. I buy food for myself and for us and I’m left with well, not a lot. I’m paying back debt too which is my own fault. He earns so much more than me. 3+ times my salary. I’m miserable!

His Dad has been visiting this weekend and he has been verbally abusive in front of him too which has prompted his Dad to tell him to treat me better – but he doesn’t listen. He thinks everyone else is stupid and he’s basically God. He thinks life is a game. He’s made horrible anti-feminist comments, says that women have had it easy for too long etc. Called me ‘common as muck’ in front of his Dad and cousin because I eat beef burgers but not steak. I was force fed food by my abusive mother so as a result I find meat difficult to eat certain meats, but I’m not going to say that in public, he knows this yet uses it against me and has no compassion for what I’ve been through, he only feels compassion for himself. They were shocked by that but thought he was joking, i told his Dad when he was in the loo that he’s not joking and it’s just a daily occurance to be verbally abused and to pass it off as jokes when I’m upset by it. He said i shouldn’t stand for it – how?

I’m often made to feel stupid, ugly, fat and worthless. For a long time i thought my only way out was to end it all, but I am visualising a life without him, where I can buy things I want and need, save money, see friends and family that he doesn’t like and makes it difficult to make plans with, and go anywhere and do anything I want. He makes me feel guilty for seeing friends on the weekend if he hasn’t already got plans.

He accused me of cheating on him everyday when he was drunk the other night. So would explain why he feels the need to drag me down. How on earth would I cheat, I see him peering at my phone when i’m on it, so he’s probably convinced I am. Maybe because he knows his behaviour will drive me away?

I haven’t met anyone else, I just want to be on my own. His physical aggression is making it difficult for me to leave and I’m on the tenancy so I’m worried about how to get off – i don’t want to be financially liable for anything.

He’s now being sweet and kind towards me, woke me up with cuddles this morning and tells me how much he loves me, but I’m at the beginning of the cycle of abuse again and I’m just waiting for the next episode.

Is there any way I can plan an escape when he next erupts? All i want to do is pack up my most important belongings and leave. I’ll be gutted to leave my other things like furniture etc, but I can do without if it means getting away from him. I’m wondering if I can just try to end the relationship first and see what his reaction is? I suppose there’s no chance of him letting things end amicably?

Please help 🙁

[brokenputty]

Anyone there? 🙁

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there Brokenputty,

I read your post earlier but didn’t have the chance to reply but I wanted to reply as I can relate a lot to your story, my ex behaved in similar ways such as peering at my phone a lot yet hiding his and putting a lock on it (which I was completely oblivious about but now realise he was cheating on me the whole time!) They tend to project their own dreadful deeds onto us as a sort of defense mechanism and to keep us in a state of confused chaos. My ex questioned me about a man I am friends with on social media, even though this man is my cousin! That is the extent of their crazy jealousy.

I’m very sorry you are going through this, it is horrendous. What is very positive is that you have already recognised that it is abuse and know about the cycle of abuse. This will help you greatly in making a plan to leave. If you ring the helpline and /or your local domestic abuse service they can help you put a plan together. Leave a voicemail if you can’t get through for them to ring you back. Also try local charities as they will be easier to get through to, I googled domestic abuse services in my area and rang everyone and got a lot of support to help me end things and go no contact.

He sounds very abusive and there is no way you should ever have to put up with someone insulting you like that, putting you down in front of others or just when it’s you and him, being physically aggressive etc, all totally unacceptable abusive behaviour.

A lot of women start their escape by putting a small bag together of things you will need like passport etc in a place and way he won’t get suspicious. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? You could also ring the council because they often have emergency housing for abuse survivors. A refuge is another option. Ring CAB too if you can for practical matters. In terms of furniture perhaps a friend could collect it for you with a van once you have your own place, don’t worry too much about it now, your safety is the main thing by far. Your head will feel scrambled but you will get there, I was in a terrible state literally trembling in fear but somehow got my situation sorted and I am over one year no contact now and in a much better place so you can get there too, keep going and don’t give up and keep posting for support, I am sure some of the other ladies will be along with their advice soon too. 🙂

P.S Once in a place of safety you could contact your rental/housing people to explain your situation, some will have policies for domestic abuse. You could ask someone from CAB or Victim Support to be your advocate with this. Again focus on safety first then you sort out the practical things after, the main thing is that you keep it a secret from him that you are ending things and leaving as these men can be very dangerous once they realise their control is slipping.

[brokenputty]

Thanks all for your comments. I can really relate to all your experiences too.

(Detail removed by moderator).  I just don’t believe it. Fine for him to go but I just would rather he not cheat on me if that’s what the plan is. Who cares anyway, would give me more ammo to really leave as I’m finding it difficult right now. He’s being nice to me and sadly I do feel like I still love him, it gets me in the stomach… you know?!

I will take the advice and pack a small suitcase of stuff and keep it where it normally is, makes it not suspicious but I may go ahead and buy spares of necessities and put it all in there.

I won’t worry too much about the tenancy until I’m out, then I can hopefully as you say have some support to get off of it and work with the landlord.

I do have friends and family where I used to live but it’s not close enough for my commute to work – would make it very expensive for me. I do have someone in the area but there isn’t any room for me 🙁 so it would have to be a refuge or emergency housing until I could find my own place. If I could be on the housing register that would be even better so if I was lucky enough to get someone permanent it’s really somewhere to call home and I can rebuild from there.

Well done for all being strong ladies, whether you’re still in it or not. It takes soooo much strength to just function I’m always exhausted by the end of the day.

I’m calling Womens Aid this evening whilst I’m still in the office and will try to put together some kind of escape plan.

[Anonymous]

Hi I just wanted to tell you that this reminds me of the situation I have with my partner. He makes daily jokes at my expense and I apparently just “don’t have a sense of humor” when I find them distasteful. I remember seeing a shuttle from my campus to the other campus in a bad area and I am like wow, that’s cool if I need a class there I can take the bus and be with other people. He laughed and said, “you could become like the w****s there”. I was grossed out by the comment, but he was angry and said I had no sense of humor. Or I wanted to go out yesterday and he said, “sure I will go out, I don’t have any bills like you. lol!” Just really cruel comments at my expense and they are a daily occurrence. I just started school about (detail removed by moderator) and am trying to finish my degree and balance work. He has made a lot of comments about how if I had just started when I was freshly graduated, we wouldn’t be having financial problems. He makes comments bout how he thinks im going to fail, and mocks me for having a depressive episode and leaving one of my classes a while back. If I do work, he is obsessive over it and talks about how the only reason I am doing better is because I am with him now. I get accused of cheating, and even when I ask him about if he really thinks I am cheating he just says he doesn’t want to start an argument so he wont talk about it.

Are you on any type of lease? I would get a no contact order and move out ASAP! From his threat I wouldn’t try to end it amicably. You are in danger and need to contact women’s aid and a counselor to safely remove yourself.

[enofadov]

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but glad you have found this forum as I have had so much help from the lovely people on here. I can’t offer much advice because I’m still in a similar situation but just know there is so much support here for you and you deserve to be happy and safe.
There is always hope and the first step is to see that this is wrong and you deserve more.
I would try find space and time somehow to ring women’s aid, I got through easier to my local number rather than be rung back. Could you get time at work??
I’m sorry the financial situation seems so trapping, but you have the right situation in realising your safety is more important than possessions.

I packed a bag on Sunday and today I’ve rung the solicitor….really small steps but it’s giving me hope…..good luck and stay safe x

[brokenputty]

Sorry just realised I hit reply to one person up there but this was to all of you that commented —-

Thanks all for your comments. I can really relate to all your experiences too.

(Detail removed by moderator) I just don’t believe it. Fine for him to go but I just would rather he not cheat on me if that’s what the plan is. Who cares anyway, would give me more ammo to really leave as I’m finding it difficult right now. He’s being nice to me and sadly I do feel like I still love him, it gets me in the stomach… you know?!

I will take the advice and pack a small suitcase of stuff and keep it where it normally is, makes it not suspicious but I may go ahead and buy spares of necessities and put it all in there.

I won’t worry too much about the tenancy until I’m out, then I can hopefully as you say have some support to get off of it and work with the landlord.

I do have friends and family where I used to live but it’s not close enough for my commute to work – would make it very expensive for me. I do have someone in the area but there isn’t any room for me 🙁 so it would have to be a refuge or emergency housing until I could find my own place. If I could be on the housing register that would be even better so if I was lucky enough to get someone permanent it’s really somewhere to call home and I can rebuild from there.

Well done for all being strong ladies, whether you’re still in it or not. It takes soooo much strength to just function I’m always exhausted by the end of the day.

I’m calling Womens Aid this evening whilst I’m still in the office and will try to put together some kind of escape plan.

[indunn]

There will come a time when it is right for you and nothing will stop you. We all have our breaking point and you will reach yours, seriously – make sure it’s before he does you real harm. It took me more than (Detail removed by moderator) years to reach my breaking point, I always believed things would be better when …. only the when’s would come and go and things only got better for a short time. When I left, I had nowhere to go but I didn’t care, when he saw there was no stopping me he pointed out that I had nowhere (he’d isolated us from everyone by his behaviour) I said I would rather live on the streets than live with him another day and I meant it. What did I have to fear – the only person who had ever harmed me was him! Anyway I hope this helps, the fact that you are contacting Women’s Aid means you are partly out the door already – in your head, the rest will follow. Be strong, you have the right to live without fear, it won’t be easy but it really will get easier a little each day. I have no home of my own, very little money, my car is terminally ill, my wardrobe replacements come from charity shops and the police call me regularly to ensure I’m alright but I don’t spend everyday on eggshells and I know one day I will have lived 24 hours without being afraid – I didn’t find Women’s Aid until it was nearly too late, you have them now and all of us behind you, take care you will get there. 🙂

[brokenputty]

Hi ladies.
Thanks all so much for your comments.
I’m still at home with him. On (detail removed by moderator) he told me that he thought I was being distant and I said “yeah because I’m hurting” and he was all like “what why” and I said how his words hurt me so much and I never expected the person who’s supposed to love me to say those things or make me feel scared. He apologised profusely and said how he never wants to hurt me blah blah. I don’t really believe it.
He’s in the ‘honeymoon’ period of the cycle of abuse so we’ll see how long it lasts. This is the final straw and I can feel it. I feel stronger than I did before and the next time it all kicks off (cos it will) I will be leaving. I’m going to start condensing down my things so I don’t have loads of c**p hanging round the place so that it makes it easier if I do have to leave stuff behind if I go.

I’ve been in contact with my local refuge and they’ve said they can support me in anyway they can, I can call them even on the day when it happens and they’d do their best to find me a spot. So I’m really glad I have that to fall back on.

The other problem I have is that my sister is being really off with me because I haven’t left him yet. I find it hard to deal with, I’m not doing it to hurt her and I know she’s worried, but I need to do what is right for me and see things through. 🙁

[brokenputty]

I don’t see the point in her being off with me because it just makes me not want to speak to her, which in turn makes me isolated!
She’s been in a situation like mine before and took her a very long time to leave so surely she can’t be so judgey?

[KIP.]

She may be more fearful and scared that trying to judge you. As victims we often minimise the danger we are in when others around us can clearly see the dangers. Perhaps a calm quiet word to let her know how you feel. That you have to square it in your mind before you leave. But you appreciate it is difficult for her to watch what’s going on. I may be wrong but try to keep an open mind x

[brokenputty]

Hi ladies
Things got better for a couple of weeks but now it’s gone terrible again.
He’s convinced my friend who is a stripper is also a prostitute, which she isn’t, so doesn’t like the idea of his girlfriend hanging around with someone like that, however has said how he isn’t telling me I can’t see her so I can’t call him controlling. Even though we just do normal things like go out for dinner or go shopping… it’s just her job and nothing more! It’s all over that. He asked me if i was seeing “my h****r friend” and I said no and I’d already told him no but then I reacted over the fact he called her that. So he took it as i was accusing him of controlling behaviour, then he told me it now carries a prison sentence and it makes him angry that I suggest he is being like that. I said that I wasn’t, absolutely not (even though he is and has done so many things that could carry a prison sentence) and that I was sorry for reacting. I sent him a text saying sorry and that I loved him but he stonewalled me until I said i was going out on lunch for him to call if he wanted to but then he replied 40min later saying bluntly that he couldn’t. I then asked when I was on my way home if he wanted me to pick up anything for dinner and he replied saying he was out… he didn’t say he was going out so it was obviously just to try and wind me up or something? i dont know. He then came back in the flat when I was there and he went to the loo and tried to go back out again but I asked if he had 2mins to talk as I hadn’t spoken to him all day… then accused ME of being controlling saying how I’m telling him he can’t go out? Never said that i just wanted to try and sort out what happened that morning? He’s now twisting everything around on me, he’s said today that he has a log of everything he can use against me to show that I’m the mental abuser and the controlling one – whereas I have nothing apart from a voice recording of him talking aggressively about his work with his Dad which just shows his aggressive mentality then a couple of mean text messages.
Today he also called me a “b*tch” and a “sl*tbag” but then said he wasn’t talking to me. He shouted and scared me to the point where I was shaking and couldn’t speak or move, then realised the time and had to start getting ready for work, so I did and he was like oh you can move now, but I said how I had to because of work then he told me how he doesn’t care about my job. Said we are broken up, wants me to leave but if I leave I have to leave the cash I owe him or he will take me to court.
When i got to work he text me saying “i’m sorry” and i said “for what” then he said for asking for a break and this whole situation we’re in….

So i already emailed the refuge and she is hopefully going to call me on my lunch break to organise a place for me to stay. I’ve got absolutely nothing with me apart from my purse, clothes i’m wearing, meds, passport! 🙁 i don’t plan on going back there tonight. I just want this to end now it’s too much. I still want my stuff though…and I’m still on the tenancy so I’m hoping I can get some help to sort that out as well… does anyone know if I will be able to go back and get the rest of my belongings?

Thanks x

[KIP.]

Can someone collect them for you or can you go with a police officer? Well done for getting away. Things will get better with zero contact x

[MsTaken]

Hi brokenputty, I’ve been reading your post and he sounds exactly like my ex. I lost all my friends in the end because of him but he always made it clear that he hadn’t told me directly to stop seeing them so it wasn’t controlling behavior. However the constant remarks he made about them and my family just built a wall between us all. He even put on social media that childline should be called on my sister because she had a minor argument with her young daughter and after hearing my sister crying on the phone to me it was me that stopped us visiting. So my ex said it wasn’t his fault! I’m glad your leaving him because if you let it carry on it will ruin you. I know your worried about your stuff, I was exactly the same. Just try to get small important bits if you can. I lost everything when I left and I was devastated but now I’ve started building my things up again and I just accept that what I’ve lost is in the past. There is help out there. Just remember to keep asking, there’s no shame in it. I’m sorry to hear about your sister, maybe it’s really difficult for her to watch you going through what she went through. Try not to let it come between you as its him and only him to blame for everything your going through now. You’ve done nothing wrong and years from now you’ll be stronger and he’ll just be a distant memory that cries into his bowl of cereal every morning wishing he had treated you better.

[brokenputty]

I haven’t left.
The refuge didn’t have a space for me last night and i said I’d call back the lady i spoke to today. I’m going to a family members this weekend anyway which has been planned for a while, so I will be packing as much as I can without raising suspicion and I’m planning to then just go straight to the refuge when I come back to where I live. But he’s turned on the charm again.
So I feel trapped, again.
I don’t think I can do this 🙁 the refuge is incredibly expensive and I’ll have to take time out of work for key worker sessions which could really mess it up, i only just got made permanent.
Not sure what to do .

[Freedomfighter]

He’s only turning on the charm because he senses you are planning to leave. Don’t be fooled. Stay strong and remind yourself of why you are so unhappy, they never change. They simply play nice for a while until they have you trapped and feeling low, guilty and vulnerable, then they are even worse to teach you a lesson.
Grab your opportunity with both hands and don’t let go. You deserve to be happy, deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Good luck 😉

[brokenputty]

Hey all
I didn’t end up leaving when I said I would. It all just calmed down and went back to normal.
It’s just never gonna get better I know that but I’m terrified to leave.

Does anyone know if the refuge/womens aid could provide support on organising a restraining order once I’ve left? I am not planning on going to a refuge as i can’t afford it. I will go elsewhere luckily. I am terrified of what he might do as he’s really unpredictable. He’s a very strong man and knows all sorts of dodgy people, I know that for a fact. I don’t want to get attacked. 🙁 you hear all these stories about jilted exes and I don’t want to end up a statistic.

I have emailed the lady I was talking to before about this as well but I know they are only open certain hours. I have cried on and off all day at work, trying my best to hide it all but it’s just getting too much. I wish I could take some time off but it wouldn’t achieve anything.

[brokenputty]

Oh and I feel so awfully suicidal. I feel like there’s no way out. However after a failed attempt last year I’m too scared to do it again. It was humiliating x

[Lightness]

Hello Brokenputty

I just want to offer you some support

I can relate to feeling terrified about leaving and also about staying. Abusers have a way of making us feel that way.

You sound like a very strong woman and you sound determined to get out – you can do this. I remember that it was so hard to visualise a happy, peaceful life after abuse, but it absolutely can be achieved. It really is a case of putting one foot in front of the other at this stage.

I don’t have the answers about restraining orders but there are some organisations that can help such as NCDV – 0207 186 8270 or 0800 970 2070.

I am sure others will be on-line to provide better advice than I can.

Stay strong – it will be worth it

Lightness x

[Lisa]

Hi brokenputty,

I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling tonight, however I’m glad you have reached out for support. You are sensible to be aware of the risk he poses to you, as your risk does increase at the time of separating. Would you perhaps try calling the 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when you are safe to do so? It can really help to talk everything through with an experienced support worker and make a safety plan.

It sounds like you have been planning to leave and fire-fighting for some time and you must be exhausted from it. Perhaps it would help to take a bit of time off work if you can.

As Lightness says, the NCDV can talk to you about non-molestation orders/ injunctions and help you apply. There is also a lot of information on the Rights of Women’s website here.

Alternatively, ask the contact you have at your local service if they can provide some help.
Keep taking it day by day, you will get through this.

Kind Regards and Keep posting,

Lisa

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Brokenputty,

Don’t give up, keep going and you will get there. It’s great you’ve found somewhere you can go. I don’t know much about refuges, are they all expensive? I know a lot of women have to give up work to escape and so I’m wondering how it works, could you apply for benefits? It doesn’t make sense that they’d be expensive since they are emergency housing, definitely check all options including other refuges if you feel safety is an issue because like Lisa said these men are often extra dangerous when we try to leave.

I can tell you it gets so much better without an abuser. No wonder you feel suicidal having to deal with him, but there is beautiful life after abuse which you fully deserve. Just focus on one moment at a time, one hour, don’t worry too much about the future as it will work itself out. Ring samaritans whenever you need, I’ve rung them loads during my darkest times.

Keep reaching out on here too and we will all help you, you’re not alone. Go within and access your inner reserve of strength, I felt this surge of strength come from within when I left and heard a guiding voice. It literally told me what to do when I was in danger. It was v calm. I listened and followed it and thank it every day for saving my life, my inner spirit guide. Might sound a bit daft but without it I think I’ll still be with him now trapped or worse as he was escalating like they all do eventually. If you hear a calm guiding voice do listen and follow it and also access all help available from the helpline and any local services. Never give up. X

[Author]

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