Scared going to a dr will make things worse

[Donethinking]

Hi, there was an incident recently where my partner put me in a choke hold and strangled me. To a point where I couldn’t breath, my vision became blurry, my body went limp and I started blacking out. It didn’t completely end there but I’m not sure how much I can say. But since this, my throat hasn’t been right. It’s like I’m losing my voice and I have a cough. I thought it was coincidence and I must be ill, but upon researching things, I’ve noticed that it’s a sign of injury from strangulation. I know the advice would be to go to my gp. But I feel like that will make things worse for my current situation. I’m worried how I would even start that conversation with a gp. I also have a care coordinator. But I’m scared to speak to them as well due to them thinking my partner is amazing and does everything for me. (as thats what I tell her). But is anyone able to advise what a gp would do or say if an autistic person went to an appointment for them to check their throat due to strangulation, is it okay for me to not give any more information? And would they just check my throat and allow me to leave? Or would they push and try and get more information from me? Or would they call the police? Any information at all would be nice, I’m stressing out and panicking, I’m super confused and scared about everything. This is my first time ever reaching out. And I don’t know what I want or what to expect as an outcome right now.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi, I wonder why you don’t feel you could tell the gp what happened in all it’s detail?
I believe that they have a strict code of confidence and would not tell your partner what you had revealed to them under any circumstances.

I hope someone else, who knows more about this than me, will step in to reply to you. I think what happened to you was very dangerous indeed. I think you need help from the police or a domestic violence team.
Is there something that’s stopping you from asking for help? A threat perhaps? Or something else?

[Donethinking]

Hi thankyou for responding to me. I worry that the gp would call the police, and then things would progress further. I’ve been with my partner for a long time. He’s all I know. I’ve always believed his problems are due to undiagnosed mental illness, and have just accepted what comes with that. I’m also autistic and I worry that there might be extra safeguarding measures that the gp would take. I don’t want my partner to get arrested and I don’t want him to kill himself. And I’m scared if anything comes out, his response would be to kill himself. But I just don’t want him to kill me either I guess. Things have got more extreme over the years and we’ve had alot of life stress. And any change makes me feel uncomfortable due to my autism and I guess I’m just a bit overwhelmed with my thoughts and problems right now. And don’t know who I can trust. I only have 1 friend left, and I don’t want to push her away by sharing these kind of problems with her. I know what everyone’s advice is. But leaving him isn’t as simple as it sounds.

I really appreciate you responding to me though thankyou so much.

[Lisa]

Hi Donethinking,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

The abuse you have experienced sounds very frightening and distressing, you are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. It takes such courage to talk about abuse and to seek help. It is understandable you feel overwhelmed and unsure about what may happen if you reach out for support from other professionals, and concerned if things are taken out of your hands about next steps. Professionals should work with you to ensure your safety and wellbeing is priority. Have you had contact with your local domestic abuse service? The local service can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support to explore your options and help with making a plan based on your circumstances and what you want to happen. You can find details of your local service here.

There is also our Live Chat service (currently open Mon-Fri 10am-4pm) if you would like to chat to a Women’s Aid worker. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Keep posting to us when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ok, yes I understand your worries. Maybe your doctor would be obliged to get help for you, and you’re worried that that would spiral out of control.
But, at the moment your health is being put at risk  because you believe he has a mental health problem which explains or excuses his abusive and dangerous behaviour towards you.
I understand that, but do you think that you can help him with that? Do you feel that it is your role to do that?
I can’t help but wonder whether he needs help from a professional, a doctor for example, if he is feeling or threatening suicide.

I can see that you need some time to think about how you would like to move forward. Lisa has given some good advice. Your local domestic abuse team should understand your worries and take things at your pace.

But you can take all the time you need on this forum. You can ask all your questions and talk about your worries and there will always be someone here who has felt the same way or is going through something similar.
If you think about leaving, for example, what would be the first thing you would need to make that possible?

[Anonymous]

Hello Donethinking I am sorry that you were assaulted by your partner when he held you in a choke hold and then strangled you. The risk to your life must of been terrifying. You are brave to reach out and post your words. I want to say that I can understand how fear can interfere with thinking logically and mess up decision making. You say you have a cough and at times you lose your voice. If you are able to write this down and keep a log of your symptoms with the date of the head lock and strangulation I think this could help you because you might want to use it as evidence in a future prosecution. You can read back what you write as this will help you monitor the symptoms and this will help you decide if the symptoms have worsened or new ones arise. It could help you make sense of what has happened. When you are ready to reach out for help and support you would be able to refer back to your writing to help you share information with a Woman’s Aid Worker on this site using the Live Chat Service. Lisa has given you the days and times in her email.

I do not know your personal situation but what has you describe in your comment is serious. Please reach out for help.

If you notice worsening symptoms such as difficulty swallowing, weakness or confusion or swelling then medical help/advice will be important to get.

I accessed a pdf document this evening called ‘Information for Victims of Strangulation’ (2023). Here is the website address ifas.org.uk if you think it might be helpful. You might have already read this as you say you have done some research yourself. One thing it states is that it never too late to go to a GP for a check. You are able to ask for a medical examination without describing in detail the event in which the assault took place. So if you decide to go to a GP and you request a medical check due to the symptoms that you have. You would not be forced to offer any information that you did not want to share. You do not need to tell your partner that you sought a medical check. After that you could decide how much information you wanted to share and with whom. A Woman’s Aid worker and medical practitioner I would think are professional supportive people who know about domestic violence and how autism affects communication.

I hope that as you recover, your fear will lessen and you can then move on and take the next step one at a time.

[bluebird28]

This is dreadful i think they make us feel like we need tehm and can`t cope without them, but be strong, get help, you will have support

[Sunnydays7]

For me, seeing my gp was the start of my journey to leave. It was incredibly frightening and even as she asked how she could help I didn’t feel like I had 100% decided to be honest about what had happened. I think being in a safe space, without him there, feeling as fearful as I did about how things were escalating, I can only describe it as the words just literally fell out of me. I hadn’t even considered what the consequences would potentially be. And although this has been the most difficult year of my life since leaving, I can confidently say that without my gp’s intervention I’m not sure I would be safe now.

For me, the gp was very understanding and gentle. She addressed all of my health-related concerns and reassured me as I cried. Because I have a young son, she told me she was obliged to make a safeguarding referral. She did this while I was in the room so I know everything she said and I didn’t feel like anything was kept from me. From there, children’s services called me and the first thing they always asked was whether it was safe for me to talk and also whether I felt I could talk openly at that time, or not. They would ask if he was there too.

 

Within (timeframe removed by Moderator) of speaking to the gp, my husband had been arrested, and (timeframe removed by Moderator) later I had left the home with my son (legal detail removed by Moderator)

I won’t lie, there is every possibility that a doctor would make safeguarding referrals even if you don’t provide much information. But please understand, this is because they are worried about you (with good reason) and they have to know they did everything they could to keep you safe. I will be the first to acknowledge that this is terrifying and you may not have complete control over what happens, but I think sometimes that’s exactly what some of us need to give us a shove to do the most frightening thing of our life, and save ourselves.

[TiredMamaBoop]

Hi Donethinking

I can’t imagine how terrifying that must of been.

I think you’re right to seek medical attention. I also thought there was a level of confidentiality at the GP where you can tell them but they won’t take it further if you don’t want.

I know how hard it is to tell the GP of abuse and I have made up excuses but now have no evidence of DV when I need it. Could you ask to be examined but not say who did this to you?

(detail removed by Moderator)

Wishing you strength and good health.

[StrongLife]

Sorry you have experienced this and needed to research and consideration for a Dr is needed.

It’s rough and difficult to deal with. I would reach out to GP.

[Author]

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