Scared of being controlled again

[Pacific]

I was married for a very long time from a young age. I was in an abusive and controlling relationships from the start but I thought that was just what a marriage was like. Both my Parents and Grandparents were the same. I had no previous relationship to go by. It wasn’t until I saw a marriage counsellor and they explained it to me and it opened my eyes.I left the marriage and I was single for a while which I loved 🥰

But now I’m in a relationship and he wants to get married but I’m terrified I will end up in the same situation.
my nature is subservient and I have lost my voice I can’t express myself or deal with any conflict. Certain red flags are starting to appear but I’m still too scared to say anything.
I do not understand why I’m so scared my gut instinct is telling me it’s not right.
I wish I could just say how I feel to him.

 

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi Pacific,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. It’s important to listen to your instincts, you shouldn’t be pressured into doing something that terrifies you. It sounds like counselling was really helpful previously, could this be something a counsellor can support you to understand too? I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you need some additional support, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available for free, 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. You can talk to their team online Monday to Friday 10am-10pm and 10am-6pm on weekends.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Cherries]

You can say how you feel. At least, in a healthy relationship you should be able to.

If you can’t say you don’t want to get married yet without him causing a problem, then your gut is probably right.

You could be me. I have the same problems. Anticipate everyone’s needs. Make myself into a small non challenging ball to keep the peace. Over function so they can under function.

I had to be brutally honest with myself about this though. This people pleasing is dishonest in itself. It comes from a place of desperately needing acceptance so I make myself acceptable at any cost. But I get resentful and burned out because its SUCH hard work and it really invites people to just walk all over me.

I had red flags early on in this relationship and I ignored them. Not my first rodeo. Should have known better. (timeframe removed by Moderator) in and its got worse not better and now Im leaving anyway, even more destroyed than before.

If you have these misgivings look at why. Maybe get some therapy. But don’t jump feet first like I did. If he has your best interests at heart he will be happy to wait and support you I think.  The fact you are uncomfortable is a sign of something that needs recognising before you go any further. Good for you for spotting it. Its not easy when that’s what is normal for you. But also something to look into further, things have to be pretty unhealthy for me to even register it as a problem because my life has been problematic…Im used to it. Someone who isn’t used to it would be shocked at what passes me by. Maybe speak with someone about your concerns who you can trust and has a healthy background. See if they spot problems that you might be missing?

[Author]

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