Seeking an Outside Perspective

[Minnie156431]

I’m really struggling and don’t know who to turn to. I can’t talk to family because if I’m wrong, they may turn against my partner — especially if I bring up anything that might sound like emotional or verbal abuse.
We’ve been together for several years, met online, and in the beginning, everything was amazing — flowers, gestures, love. I went through a pregnancy loss early on and got through it with his support. Things changed over time, especially after we got married.
There were issues with a close friend during the wedding planning, and after some drama, we fell out — she blamed my partner for the fallout. That period was stressful, but I tried to move forward.
When I became pregnant again, I noticed a change. He started spending more time at the gym, barely came home, and I went through the post-partum period mostly on my own. If I brought it up, I was “moaning.”
Later, he wanted to move us far away from family and friends — a long-haul flight away. I didn’t want to leave my job or my support system, and when I voiced this, I was told I was “killing his dreams.” He still brings this up, often in “joking” ways.
More things have started piling up:
– He often blames me for anything that goes wrong — missing items, misplaced things (even when he’s the one who left them somewhere).
-If someone in my family does something minor (like spilling something), he takes it personally and reacts inappropriately.
-He snaps at me for normal conversation or suggestions — like going to check on the car repair.
-He makes inappropriate jokes if I’m too tired for intimacy, saying things like he’ll find someone else.
-Around others, he makes comments about how he “pays for everything,” which isn’t true — I contribute equally.
He once told me he wouldn’t come home if I left a night out early to care for our unwell child.
He acts as if watching our child for a couple of hours is a massive inconvenience, even though he’s home.
– He jokes about social services getting involved over small things or throws around my mental health (I had PND) in a mocking way.
-Silent treatment for days if he’s in a bad mood.
– Frequent “jokes” about leaving me or me being a single parent.
– He’s often disengaged — glued to his phone, reluctant to interact with our child, and cold with my family. People have noticed and asked questions — even my own mum has pointed out his behavior.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, covering for him, and making excuses for his behavior — but deep down, I’m starting to wonder if I’m just trying to protect something that’s actually hurting me.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as serious as it feels. I guess I just need an honest outside opinion. am I making excuses for him?

[spiritedaway]

hi Minnie156431, I’m sorry you are going through this.  Trust your gut, what would you say if a friend told you this or a sister?  Neglecting your emotional needs and not taking an active part in family life isn’t a small thing.

You came here because you already know, its just the hardest of things to accept.  I understand, it shifts our entire world, but we are here.  Keep sharing

x

[Minnie156431]

Thank you so much for this, I think deep down I know, I just hate that it has potentially come to this, we live with my parents and he has no where else to go.

I also think that there is secret debt, a while back I was out, came back and asked if he did his paperwork like he said (just starting conversation) to be told I had business to sort, I asked what business and was told none of my business.

I think I am trying to make this work for our little one as I do not want to cause them any stress or bring them up in a broken home but I know if they ever treated a someone like this I would go mental.

I cannot imagine having to split time with our little one and not having them with me 24/7.

I do not even know what to do or where to start.

He constantly talks about moving across the world – the last time he did this I was deadset that if he goes he will be going alone and I wont stop him but then he changed his mind and said he dont want to leave me and our little one.

I don’t know if i am ready to walk away just yet as apart of me is telling me it wasnt like this always and maybe something I have done?

When we are good we are good but is that enough?

I think that he realization has only just started to sink in – All I want is to give our little one a happy home.

Part of me is also so embrassed to walk away and I do not know why?

I am married yet feel like a single parent most of the time.

Sorry this is all over the place I just do not know where else to turn.

[spiritedaway]

It is all over the place as you are trying to put it together and make sense of it – that is expected.  All the energy you are using to keep him happy, to cover up, to keep home happy, to be a mum – it all makes it harder to think straight.  I am sure for months I made no sense at all.

I didn’t know I was being abused, I didn’t know I was going to leave till I did.

I covered for him, I stayed as didn’t want to fail, I stayed because I thought I couldn’t do it on my own.  I hoped he’d change but it turned out the good was just to keep me dangling along.

 

[Minnie156431]

That it is.

I just honestly do not know what to do and feel so drained, I have found that I no longer have the energy to argue now and when comments are made I either agree or tell him to make good on his threats of leaving etc.

I hope he just decides to walk one day and make this easier on me.

I am staying for the exact same reasons.

I did not think I was being abused mentally until I was reading a book which had Mental abuse in & a story line on a  TV show i was watching and I started to question my own life/.

[Lisa]

Hi Minnie156431,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. A few things stood out from what you shared. It’s really common for abusers to be very intense and seem like almost a perfect partner at the start of relationships, and then for the abuse to start gradually and get worse over time. Similarly, it’s usually the case that the abuse isn’t constant and the good times can feel really great. It would be much easier to leave without these crumbs of hope. It’s also a common tactic to move a partner away from their support so that they’re more isolated and dependent on the abuser.

It can be really hard to see abusive behaviours for what they are, especially when you’re in it. What can be more telling is the impact on you. The feeling of walking on eggshells means that you are self-monitoring and changing your behaviour to avoid the ways he treats you. This is one way that abuse is giving him control and unbalancing the power dynamic between you. You might find that, however much you adjust your behaviour, he will move the goalposts and keep finding new things to get at you about. He can see the impact that he’s having and he chooses to continue to treat you in this way. You can see from the replies that you’ve had already that you’re not alone in going through this. Keep reaching out.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Minnie156431]

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for the reply.

I know I am not alone and alot of people have it alot worse with Physical abuse and extreme emotional abuse.

I am scared of this getting worse if i walk away, and how it will impact my little one, I hate the though of if he acts like he does with our little one when i am around what is it like when i wouldnt be there and also that he will try take my little one away.

I have a great network of support but I am scared he will use my Mental Health against me and try use my little one as a weapon.

I feel soo confused at the moment as I am in 2 minds as what would it be like if i leave and also, what if he changes or it is just a blip in our marriage/relationship

[Daisy82]

This sounds so familiar to me. In my experience it can be so hard to have the energy to ‘be on’ so that I actually notice and can respond strongly/assertively but if caught off guard I find I don’t have the energy to argue. I think this can be especially true with a young child due to lack of sleep and the general busy routine that comes with children and working.

Really feel for you, well done for Identifying the behaviour and sharing. You are not alone.

I’m sorry I don’t have any answers but keep sharing.

[Minnie156431]

Thank you for your reply.

It is so exhausting mentally. I have once again upset them by “trying to help where it is not wanted” in their words all I did was purchase an item for our little ones (detail removed by Moderator) to cut to size rather than order measured it to get it sorted as they keep sayng “I will do it” but never do.

[Author]

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