Self esteem and being good enough

[Smwhyle]

after escaping abuse from family, I have been very isolated. I needed someone to talk to. when I met someone I confided in them and I told them everything. The counselling waiting list was too long.  So I can understand why I did, but  It turns out that was a big mistake. They offered to support me and be different to me, They said I was special and they weren’t like other men. They wanted to be with me and offered me a good life. But it was all words and They actually made things so worse for me at a time I needed support. Took all the energy out of me that I needed to recover that I wanted to use to start a new life for myself. They doxed me online, I was sent death threats. He degraded me in front of his friends, criticised me, blamed me for my situation, and whittled down my self esteem in a number of ways. I found evidence that he was already cheating on me from (timeframe removed by Moderator) after we slept together and still spending time with his ex.

None of the promises they had given me transpired. I can understand why I fell for it but I still blame myself that I did. I relapsed on my self harming and eating disorder. Wasn’t sleeping and was heavily depressed but me not having the energy to do anything or have any hobbies or interest in anything was critiqued by him too (the self harming and the eating disorder has been stopped through self care and I am coming out of the depression now).  The goal posts of what I should be changed all the time  so it didn’t make sense  so to him I was never good enough. If I got compliments by anyone for anything he told me I didn’t deserve them and gave me a list of things that were wrong with me. Over the last few days has only really just clicked what was going on, it’s been (timeframe removed by Moderator) of me trying to “win” their love for me and be good enough. I have felt the urges to speak to them constantly and they consume a lot of my thoughts and I constantly want to speak to him.
he keeps telling me I need to change parts about me but believe me I am never good enough and even if I change it he will come up with another reason.

ive felt so rejected and so lonely and I know that healthy relationships don’t look like this and it makes me sad because we could have had one.
If you have over come these difficulties how did you manage

[Lisa]

Hi Smwhyle,

Thank you for sharing with us.

It is understandable you feel as you do and the impact abusive behaviour is having on you. I hope it has helped to share on the forum. You are right, he will continue to shift boundaries so any changes you make won’t be good enough for him. You don’t need to change, you haven’t done anything to cause his behaviour- he is choosing to act this way. You deserve so much better.

You might find it helpful to take a look at Bloom. Bloom offers free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace covering topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. You can find Bloom here.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I’d like to say that these abusive people are like sharks. They can smell blood in the water.

But I don’t want to disrespect sharks, which are perfectly lovely natural creatures, unlike abusers who are ghouls.
They are pretty much on the lookout for their next victim though aren’t they, and if they sense you’re vulnerable they home in.

Really relate to this continual criticism and blame and harrying of you ‘to change’. It’s awful, it’s exhausting.

If you’re asking how do you overcome these difficulties while staying in the relationship, I have to say I don’t know. I stayed decades and tried everything and nothing worked.

The only way I found to solve this was to leave.

[Author]

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