- This topic has 2 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hiya,
It’s been over 2 years since I have left my abusive husband and things are looking a little brighter. I have been gaslighted for almost a decade and can still feel the scars today.
I am in a new relationship with a great man and in love. But! I have serious issues with my self-esteem and how I see myself. I feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart or skinny enough and so on. Also,I really struggle with his ex and her involvement still as I am afraid and uncertain which obviously puts a strain on my thoughts/wellbeing and our relationship. I don’t know how to get over these issues so I can be fully happy (with myself, my body, my looks etc). There are no problems with my new partner or our relationship at all. Only how I feel about myself and ‘her’ involvement. Please could anyone help? -
Hi Roseflower,
Self love, self appreciation and seeing the good in ourselves is so hard isn’t it? We are very quick to see the good, the kindness, the love and the inner/outer beauty in others and compliment them, but we are always seeing the faults and flaws in ourselves and comparing ourselves to others and thinking we should be ‘more’ than what we are.
Abusers do knock us down and cause deep rooted insecurities, I know that from experience and I still have issues with body confidence but I try so hard to put that aside and work from the fact that the ‘inner’ me is worth a lot more than the size of a certain part of my limbs!!
You are in a relationship with a man who loves you – all of you- for who you are and what you are. He is with you, not her. For him, there is no competition, the competition is being put there by you.
I have a very good male friend and he has told me that what he finds attractive in women is confidence and self assurance. He looks for a woman who is comfortable in herself, can hold conversation, has a life of her own (so doesn’t want to spend every spare moment with him) and who generally has a ‘glass half full’ approach to life. Not once has he mentioned weight or dress size as a requirement of his ‘ideal woman’.
The only thing I can suggest is try thinking about this in reverse. You love your partner and you accept him for the way he is, the way he looks. You are attracted to him for many reasons. Now imagine if you complimented him on how gorgeous he was and he replied “you’re just saying that, I’m not, my legs are too skinny/my nose is too big/my ears stick out” and no matter what you told him he was always negative or down, would his lack of confidence in himself finally wear you down too?
Social media plays a huge part in this today. So many women are having botox, fillers, lip plumping, fake eyebrows, false eyelashes etc in the belief that if they look ‘gorgeous’ then everything else will fall in to place. Beauty and real confidence and happiness comes from within and that’s what we need to work on. If we don’t have inner confidence in who we are and what we offer to our relationships, our families, friends and communities then it doesn’t matter what we look like on the outside. I know many stunning young women who I would have thought would have every reason to be happy, but they’re still not. There’s no magic answer I can give you, but you are with a man who loves you and who is happy with you – for him, you are ‘enough’ as you are.
As an afterthought though, why is his ex still in the picture? Is it because of children? If so, that is understandable, but if not…
-
Hello,
Thank you ever so much for taking your time for such a lovely reply.
I am guilty of comparing myself all the time to be honest. I can see some traits in me now that I am starting to appreciate and I am trying hard to overcome what is still happening in my own head. It doesn’t help that I have never been too self-confident. But the little I had was taken in my past relationship and I want to be me again. My old self that was more carefree, full of life and laughter. Full of joy and smiles without having these doubts hanging over my head. It is not only looks I am concerned about. My ex robbed my whole personality…
Yes, it is absolutely right. I bring the competition into the relationship, not him at all! Although, she is very much involved. Yes, they do have children but it makes me uncomfortable and I start doubting myself again. It is the level of involvement I have issues with to be honest.
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
