Self-sabotage

[Darknessallaround]

I briefly saw a small glimmer of light. Hope I suppose, that things were about to change. That I could finally be free and it would have been his decision, not mine. So no guilt needed. But in trying to calm things down, and bring some rationality back to the situation, I think I did too good a job. He’s now backtracking on his decision to leave. I didn’t feel anything when he said he wanted us to split up, and now it’s probably not going to happen. I could kick myself. I should’ve kept quiet and seen how it panned out. Is living a miserable existence together really better than change and the unknown? Apparently my brain thought so. Idiot!

[Lisa]

Hi Darknessallaround,

Try to be kind to yourself, you’re dealing with an incredibly difficult and confusing situation, you’re not an idiot.

Change can be scary at any time, when you’ve been experiencing domestic abuse and made increasingly to feel like you depend on your abuser and can’t cope without them, it can be a terrifying prospect that they might leave. Making threats to leave is also a common tactic used by abusers as part of control, when they have no real intention of leaving. Abuse is all about power and control and abusers don’t like to give that up, so this backtracking could well be what he’d planned no matter what you’d done.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Broadbodiedchaser]

My husband often threatened to leave. Sometimes he’d go out all day and I’d worry because his family had a history of depression but I soon began to realise this was part of his plan to get me to show remorse and stay with him. It took me (detail removed by moderator) to finally find the courage to actually leave. I had a lightbulb moment outside a (detail removed by moderator) that I could no longer ‘ride the emotional cycle of love bombing, false security, abuse, sadness, doubt, rows, guilt, love bombing, false security anymore… I was just too tired of it all. It’s difficult now but at least I can choose not to go there again.

[swanlake]

I wonder if this was part of the plan all along. My abuser has their own agenda and my feelings, safely etc just don’t play a part in their plans. A decision to leave could just have been a ploy to confuse you and not true feelings. Take very good care of yourself. Some people are so cunning, deceitful and manipulative that it’s hard to know whether we’re coming or going, which is on them for being so nasty, not us.

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Darknessallaround
Change isn’t easy when you’re older. I keep hoping my husband will change so we can stay together. Its normal and healthy to feel cautious about the unknown. Sometimes I think,’Why should I feel guilty for something I haven’t done wrong?’ Other times, I feel that I am at fault. There’s got to be more to a relationship and life than arguments and abuse. I’m thinking of having psychotherapy as I had an abusive childhood as well as an abusive husband. Thanks for replying to my post in September. Take care.

[Author]

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