Separation after a very, very long relationship

[ineedpeacein25]

After many years of suffering emotional abuse and coercive control (decades!) mostly fueled by alcohol, I have finally seen the light, got strength and have left my husband. I’ve found myself and my children a lovely new home and we feel at peace here. We have been here a number of months now.

My husband will not accept our separation and is constantly trying to convince me he has changed. I’m really not interested in making any type of reconnection with him, but he just won’t let it go. I have absolutely checked out of the relationship, there is no future for us whatsoever.

What I can’t deal with is the guilt! I’ve now told him a number of times that we are over and that I don’t love him anymore, but he pleads with me to not pull the plug just yet as he wants to show me that he has changed. He’s stopped drinking heavily, is going to therapy etc. Granted, he has made some really positive changes, which is great for the children, but I am just not interested.

I keep finding myself in positions I am not comfortable with (meals with him and kids at the house, going out for meals with them) he just won’t leave me alone and constantly talks about the future and how much stronger we will be once I move back to the family home. I seem to be spending more time with him and the children atour marital home than I am at my new place, he is making all the plans and I am stupidly going along with everything. I have a big issue saying no to him.

I have a solicitor, who has re-written the divorce letter numerous times, but I just can’t bring myself to send it. Why? It is 100% what I want, just so irrational! I also have a therapist who is trying to build up my strength to give him the news, but even so I still can’t do it. I don’t know why.

I just feel so sorry for him and guilty that I am putting him through this. I am a very logical and reasonable person, but this is crazy! I can’t bare the thought of him being lonely and without his family. I also worry it may make him suicidal (past experience with him threatening this) How can I feel like this after everything he has done over the years? I know I am trauma bonded, but I just want to move on now and my heart and head won’t let me. It’s cruel to him too, as it’s giving him false hope.

I just keep thinking something big and bad will happen, then I have an excuse to serve him the letter, but its not going to happen any time soon now we are apart. He’s on his best behaviour (unfortunately all too late) and he is doing everything he should have been doing for the past few decades, which is making it so difficult for me.

He thinks we are on a trial separation and trying to rebuild everything, I have never said this to him, this is what he is trying to convince me of. He is broken and desperate. I just want to move on.

Anyone else in or been in a similar situation?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I do think many ( if not most/all) of us who’ve ended an abusive relationship, understand completely what you’re going through.

I don’t have any answers as I’m still going through it myself. I feel I’m coming out the other side of it slightly in that I don’t act on these feelings of guilt, even though I still have them sometimes. I do feel that I’m cultivating self compassion too, so that every time I feel like my energy is being squandered on feeling sorry for him, I gift that energy back to myself!
Actually it is me who needs the kindness and sympathy…not him. And I’m certainly not receiving any from him.

A kind of transactional mindset is slowly beginning to form in me in relation to him. Before I do, say, or even think, anything nice or kind towards him, I think, “ would he do this for me?”. If the answer is “probably not” or “no”, I don’t do it for him. I don’t know if this is healthy or not, but I find it protects me.

You’re right though. It’s not a simple, one way process. We are so enmeshed with them that it’s highly complex to untangle these threads.

If you want to talk about it more just post, it’s something I’m interested in too, I’m happy to talk about it . Xx

[ineedpeacein25]

Thank you for your reply and sorry you are going through the same, but great to hear that your mindset is more positive now.

I hope that I will get stronger too as I work through everything, but it is just so hard! I don’t want him but I just can’t send that letter. It is so cruel to keep him hanging by a thread, which makes me feel even more guilty.

Now, I’ve made some further obstacles in my head, Fathers Day, upcoming birthdays, things we had planned a long time ago, so I have now written it off until the end of June.

I have another session today and hopefully my therapist will help me put my head in a bit more order!

 

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi ineedpeacein25,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I recently watched some videos with clinical psychologists talking about some of the after effects that abuse has on its victims, and it’s very deep and complex.

I personally have found that even finding my own self and my own voice again has been quite complicated. I’m not sure where the feelings are coming from sometimes ( guilt is a really perfect example of that) and whether they’re really my feelings or just a result of years of manipulation.

Beginning to have boundaries is also a place that is full of trauma and failure for me as they have been continually breached for me too ( I can see that your ex is doing this to you too constantly). And so I second guess and question myself all the time when I try and put up boundaries.

All Ivan suggest is that we try and be kind to ourselves.

Besting yourself up because it’s cruel to him for example isn’t your responsibility. You’ve told him where you stand once, that should be enough. If he refuses to accept that, that’s not your problem. That’s abuse.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sorry for typos, just hurrying to post before I got timed out.
It meant to say ‘beating yourself up, because you feel your being cruel to him’ …etc

Him refusing to hear what you’re saying to him, and refusing to acknowledge what you want, or respecting your boundaries, is putting you in a really painful and difficult place. He’s using the children to bribe you and the threat of his own mental poor health to blackmail you.

I don’t think that you should feel bad because you’re not being manipulated into reacting when or how you think you ‘ ought to’. Where is that inner voice coming from? Is it really you?
Take your time . Do it in your own time.

Go for dinner, do the stuff, give yourself time to make your own decisions when YOU’RE ready. Just because he’s making assumptions doesn’t mean there’s any obligation on you whatsoever.

Just because someone is throwing a ball at you, doesn’t mean you have to catch it. Xx

[Author]

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