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I have posted previously about this in over 50s section but it’s getting worse so sorry for repetition.
I seem to be in an almost permanent state of high anxiety, feel panicky and have had a few really bad panic attacks in last couple of weeks – shaking, palpitations, tears etc. Can’t shake it. It’s exhausting me.
My brain is so crazily active I feel my head’s going to explode, my heart is crashing away, my throat’s tight and my jaws ache from clenching my teeth.
I’m “doing all the right things” avoiding alcohol, getting exercise, trying relaxation, going to bed early, no caffeine, eating healthily etc but I just feel like I imagine I’d feel if I was expected to walk a tightrope across Niagara Falls or bungee jump off the Eifel tower (I hate heights and risky sports leave me cold!!!).
Things have moved forward positively with finalising divorce/house/finances and I have no contact with ex, but I still feel just as I did a few years ago – it’s almost as if the eggshells are back and I don’t know why. Work is a bit stressful – always has been and always will be – there’s absolutely no change there.
I’ve had medication for severe anxiety previously initially when the reality of the abuse hit me and again around the time I left and I really don’t want to go back to pills again. My hand has strayed towards my last remaining packet a few times though. I’ll feel I’ve failed if I have to resort to pills again.
Why now when things were feeling better? Any ideas? Anyone else had this as they’ve moved further on from the abuse? Any resources for free counselling that anyone knows of? Feeling like I’m slowly losing my mind and looking for anything that might help. I have to really force myself to get out as I know I need to, going shopping really freaks me out, I’m now looking for excuses to avoid the social events I attend regularly and which gave helped me up to now, and feel as if I’m losing my grip on things.
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Take the meds. Unless you had bad side effects. That is the only reason not to take them. If they help, use them. Anxiety comes and goes. It’s frustrating, especially when you can’t figure out the trigger, but it isn’t always identifiable. I often can’t identify the source
Sometimes if it ends, like finishing a project at work, and the anxiety goes away then I can identify that that was what the issue was, but it doesn’t always work like that, and you can’t always remove all stress. I find crafts that keep my hands busy help. Depending on available brain power I will either knit, sew or just do colouring in. It definitely helps calm my mind. That’s about all I have got though. Hopefully someone else will have other suggestions. -
I’m wondering about a few things…the social events that you said you attended until recently…maybe you could find a middle way for yourself…nothing wrong with doing your shopping online for a while and freeing up some time for perhaps smaller, more relaxing events that speak to you more right now than the things you did previously? all best
ftc
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I completely empathise as I have high anxiety at the moment, particularly bad this week due to a traumatic event and I’m starting a new job, the first since I left. I’m doing all the right things aswell and I tend to spend my alone time listening to people I can relate to on this subject on YouTube. It helps. Last night I paid £20 for a 3-month online course delivered by someone I’ve been listening to who has really helped over the past few weeks. I know not free but I’m hoping it will be £20 well spent as, like you, I’m desperate to feel better. All very uncomfortable feelings, I’ve realised I’m disassociative a lot too.
Much love xx
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Tiffany – you star! You’re right – why not? I can put up with muzzy head and feeling doped for a few days while I get used to them again. I’ll give it serious thought xx
FTC thanks for the suggestions but I worry I’ll just hibernate and hide if I don’t get out. One thing I do is really small group of us and really relaxing and quite creative the other is a bigger group but I usually come away with such a feel good factor I know I need to go as benefits probably outweigh anything else. Such a dilemma!
IWBOK I’ve thought seriously about online things – yoga mainly as can’t get to local classes, as well as some “positivity type” things. I’ll think again about this.
After I posted last night I couldn’t sleep so got up made a cup of tea and sat with a list of what could be bugging me. It dawned on me I am supporting a huge number of people in work very informally – my doors open and people pop in for a chat. (Detail removed by moderator). It hadn’t even dawned on me there was so much of this high stress stuff in my life as its just part of my everyday job but I’m sure is adding to my anxiety. I know the next 2-3 weeks will involve more stressful encounters but after that it should/might reduce and then I need to look at my workload – (Detail removed by moderator). Never rains just pours!
I also feel that as my “separation/divorce/finance stuff” is now sorted I’m on edge wondering if my ex will look for other ways to worm his way back in my life. He wont succeed but it won’t stop him trying. He’s messaged my solicitor (detail removed by moderator). They’ve both told him I want no contact, I have too, but the niggling worry is there.
Thanks again. I may be back for more help x*x -
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hi White Rose!
sorry to hear this, but its all very close to something huge that you have just finalised? Its a massive deal, i would have thought, for you going through finalising divorce and all that entails? It builds up so insidiously as things become scarily close again.
I am going down the pan with it at the moment and barely sleeping, just a few hours, but i know whats happening, and I will take something to knock me out until i feel a bit calmer. i do have beta blockers too, which are great for me for pulling away the effects of adrenalin on the heart and head speed! but have anxiolytics which are great for sleep, so will take temporarily as i hate taking meds, but when things are bad, and taken in moderation (like all things perhaps!), really can help…. they’re not for life, like dogs…just to get you through a rough patch. talk to your gp about how you can take something to get you through a rough patch perhaps, and in the meantime you can get yourself back on track with everything else and then wean off again?
just a thought, warmest wishes. ts
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also…just reading about how you are supporting others informally, when maybe your self-care needs priority right now, you can pick up their supports after a couple of weeks break from it for yourself. Keep door closed, or let people know you have a lot on at the moment so will not be as available as you had been, for the next couple of weeks? if this is work related support, can it be shared with another temporarily, or passed on for a while?
You need the support right now, you have been carrying such a burden going through the divorce situation is major deal stressor in life, without all the rest you have been through. take lighter duties for a while? let work know its taken its toll and some lighter days will help immensely.
I don’t know what to suggest about the social situations, but i think they are eaasier when everything else is more settled, and so choosing things that you enjoy socially will help you head in that direction?
Ihope things improve for you soon and something helps.
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The question to ask about meds should always and only be ‘does the benefit outweigh the side effects’. Sometimes it doesn’t: I have just stopped taking medication that massively improved my physical health, because it was making me feel suicidal. I would rather deal with the physical manifestations if my illness than suicidal ideation. But mostly if they work taking meds makes sense. Sure, there are people out there who appear to be able to cure their depression through a vegan diet and 16 hours of yoga a day. Good for them. I can’t. Doesn’t make my recovery any less valid if I do it by going to the doctor, taking my meds, and making sure I look after myself by remembering to eat at semi regular intervals. Mental health gets a lot of ‘think positive thoughts and it will go away’. If that genuinely worked we wouldn’t have mental health problems. You can’t just will them away. And obviously reducing stress helps with anxiety, but you can’t always remove all stress, and then medication can be really useful.
Sorry, this is a bit of a pro-meds rant. It is something I feel pretty passionate about. I have several friends who wouldn’t be here without the drugs they take for their mental health problems, and I hate seeing people worry about taking them, especially if it is because they think they should be able to manage without them. They are a crutch. If you break your leg no one tells you shouldn’t need a crutch. And walking with crutches causes the muscles of the broken leg to waste away to the most distressing degree. If you tried hard enough you could of course manage to walk on your broken leg. But it would hinder your healing dreadfully. I see mental health medication the same way. Of course we would prefer not to have a broken leg/anxiety/depression but if we need a crutch until we recover we should have that without judgement.
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Hi KIP I am definitely not the same woman as when I was with him and he knows it and I’m sure he doesn’t like it! That woman’s gone now, I just wish this one was a little less damaged in places x
Twisted sister you’re right I didn’t actually consider in the relief of it all finally being over what a HUGE thing this has been. I tell others that when they’ve been through it but can’t appreciate it myself. I’m sorry you’re at a stage at the moment when you’re feeling bad – it will get better. This is better even though it’s not great! I have told work I’m feeling compassion fatigue at the moment but sadly the nature of the job is such that I can’t avoid this part of my role. I’m taking a couple of days off for me in next week or so – time for me time and intend to relax and maybe I’ll go away to the seaside to blow my cobwebs away!
Tiffany I have a vision of you holding a banner in favour of sensible use of medication in mental health problems waving a crutch and being cheered on by hordes of women with big smiles on their faces because they’ve listened to your sound advice and it makes me smile too! The first time I resorted to medication was when I was suicidal. Thank goodness my GP was there that day and I had the guts to phone her. I hated myself for failing to be strong, hated myself for allowing my child to be abused as well as me, hated that as a (supposedly) intelligent professional woman who dealt with people’s problems day in day out, who always considered mental health and exrernal factors such as abuse in others situations couldn’t accept what was happening to me and could not deal with it alone. I needed a wheelchair at that stage never mind crutches! My hand has strayed towards the meds cupboard again today but I’ve not opened the packet yet. Sharing on here is helping and will see how it goes but am certainly not discounting it as an option xxxx -
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Hi TS – yes and no to the question of support in the role. I have a formal role which is partly supported but it’s the informal ad hoc stuff that’s not and it’s this that’s more onerous in time and energy. So hard to explain while remaining “anonymous” but life’s not great in my workplace. Colleagues under lots of stress, feeling lots of pressure and it’s virtually impossible to walk away and close the door while in work. Things are tough for everyone from the top down.
I’m somewhere in between but am affiliated to both ends of heirachy so get it from all sides! That’s why I feel compassion fatigue -there just seems to be no solutions! Usually work has been my switch off from the home stress and being so busy and loving my job has kept me going. Not sure if it’s me not coping in work due to everyone getting more stressed and needy and demanding of my time/help/sympathy/empathy or if it’s just an accumulation of so much other stuff – the abuse/being forced to leave a home I loved and having to start over/seeing my child go through the hell of significant mental health problems/the frustratiobs of the legal side of divorce and inevitable financial battles. Maybe now that side is sorted I’ve let my guard down and am slowly unravelling emotionally? Maybe because now I don’t have to keep my armour on and always show my brave face, and it’s that barrier between me and the outside world that has held me together. It’s a bit like feeling the pain of the kick in the shin after you’ve scored a goal in a hockey match – it’s so bad it puts you on your knees whereas a minute ago you were racing across a muddy field not feeling a thing. I’m totally mixed up at the moment – must be to talk about hockey as I absolutely loathed it at school as everyone was fiercely competitive and shin pads were for goalies only!
Need to get my head round whatever it is that’s fuelling my anxiety and try to knock it on the head as I can’t keep on like this. -
Dear White Rose,
Its the adrenaline drop exactly like you say. It’s all the years you didn’t cry and al thepain you had to block. It’s truly vital to get a break at work. The analogy of the aircraft oxygen mask is one I try to use, that unless you get sufficient you simply cannot help child/dependents/dependencies. Get all your oxygen first, rather than keep depriving yourself, because you are putting their needs above your own, and they are not more deserving or important than you.
Yes, do keep the details to yourself, that’s important, and I get the gist of it, but stick to the official stuff right now.
Is there another way of facilitating support for those ‘informal’ demands on your energies? Can you direct them to informal peer support, I.e. link them with another, or twice weekly lunch meetups, or something similar that fits to your work place? It’s vital to save yourself in this, adrenaline numbs the biggest pain! I know you know all this stuff, but sometimes the hardest thing to do is give the same to ourselves. See if you can take some positive steps to changing the way the informal support is conducted, or get a note round, that you’ve got heavy duty stuff going on for you right now.
I think the middle managers job is the most stressful, like teachers, they get it in the neck from all sides, or carry all sides, are the translators of policy from above, inflicted on those at the coal face.
Take time for you while you can,its part of being an effective manager. Will mean you will have more energy. There will be a different way of doing something.
Warmest wishes ts
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I’ve plucked up courage this week and swallowed my pride and told a couple of people how anxious I’m feeling hoping perhaps they’d offer support. Wrong! All I got was “Gosh I’d never realise you seem so in control and on top of things” from one and “well after divorce every one feels a bit anxious it’s a normal reaction, I’m sure you’ll feel better pretty soon” from another. Wasn’t it mental health day this week? Didn’t we have posters and emails and info on our desk top screens as well as stuff all over social media?
I give up. I think I’ll either have to take my clothes off and run naked through the building screaming and tearing my hair out, or cower under a desk wailing and rocking before anyone actually believes me. I don’t fancy either of those so I suppose I’ll just plod on as I am! -
I am sorry they weren’t helpful. People really can be wildly insensitive sometimes. I am afraid that my experience (after years of disability as well as escaping abuse) is that if you want support you need to be able to spell out exactly what you need, and even then you won’t necessarily get it. It’s hard when you are already exhausted from the anxiety though. Don’t be afraid to call in sick if you need some time to recover is about my only sensible piece of advice. And if there is anything you think would help then ask for it. The worst they can say is no.
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Hi,
I don’t think people know how to react or begin to understand anxiety. I honestly wish there was more awareness out there. I mean domestic abuse is so rife so why do they not teach this topic in schools? Prepare people for real life. The truth is these issues are maybe just too gritty to comprehend, especially if you have been lucky enough not to have faced this. People are scared and that is a barrier.Why are the resources so sparse? It really frustrates me and I wouldn’t wish anxiety on my worst enemy! We can only hope people will be more open to what really goes on in real life 🙂
I hope you are having a better day today xx
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All I can say is WhiteRose, this is why they dont do your job!!
What a huge leap you have made in saying that! Massive and huge strength too, so even more difficult to understand when you get that reaction. People just don’t know until they experience it first hand or at very close up through someone else.
It’s still amazing you said this no matter the reaction, the important bit is you said it.
I do think it’s like finally speaking out about abuse and being told oh get over it, you’re out now aren’t you, or just leave him, or worse getting cross a frustrated with you for not doing the ‘obvious’ in leaving or just not putting up with it, or that it must be provoking him. There will be parallel phrases to those for anxiety, PTSD, any condition.
They are lucky, these people that have the lack of something awful in their lives to have that understanding.
The lucky ones need insights into the unlucky ones who suffer.
You have been and are very strong. Very often we become very strong at keeping on regardless of the struggles and trauma. This is what I referred to before as crying the tears of the years before, all the tears you didn’t cry and the pain yu blocked to survive living abuse.
You hero!
Warmest wishes ts
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Thanks DIYmum, Tiffany and TS, woke up this morning and decided enough is enough and phoned in sick. Didn’t give a reason. Didn’t give a thought for my colleagues or my huge work load either. If I feel better I’ll go back next week, if I don’t I’ll see my GP.
I’ve sat and read today, watched a bit of TV, baked a cake, made a casserole ready to portion up and freeze and listened to storm Callum howling round the house and it’s been a better day. -
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Hey ladies I suffer with bad anxiety and Ptsd I have been like this since being in abusive relationship Im no longer with him but I still suffer with horrible ptsd It comes and goes I think enough is enough tho and I need to go see a doctor did you find that medication and therapy helps I just dont want to be put on some anti depressants they never helped before . Is there any thing that can help with ptsd and anxiety Im going to pluck up the courage and go and see my doctor Im not coping well xx
Im so sorry to hear your going threw this hun its so awful I hope your feeling better now since seeing your doctor xx
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Hi Blink
Couldn’t read and run just wanted to send massive hugs and strength for your suffering right now love.
There will be something that will suit you I hope.
It might taking trying some things out to see whether they are helpful. I hope you can make it to the gp and find it helpful, they may be able to refer you for further support as well as medicate.
Warmest wishes ts
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