*Trigger warning* Sex after Rape, and what happened last night…

[tequilarose]

I don’t know if this fits here, I just needed to speak about what happened last night.

I’ve had a very healthy sex life for the past (Detail removed by Moderator) years. (Detail removed by Moderator) years ago I was raped and after only (Detail removed by Moderator) months, I met my wonderful new partner.

I know a lot of women avoid sex and relationships for longer periods after rape. But I was (Detail removed by Moderator), horny and in love.

I was also ignoring my healing process because I don’t find it easy confronting what happened to me.

As time has passed, I’ve needed to go through the recovery process more and more, and lately I’ve been very proactive about it.

A couple of weeks ago I suggested we stop having sex until I figure out what kind of sex I really want. My partner agreed to this and said he wants to try going for 6 months before we start having sex again – that way he has some consistency and I won’t get upset if he rejects me if I try to initiate.

Last week we made out at bedtime one night. It was really nice and passionate and I felt like we were both respecting my boundaries. But later on I thought I felt his hand in my knickers. When I asked him about it the day after he said he didn’t do anything so I thought I must be dreaming.

He’s been extra careful since then – not so much as spooning me in bed.

But again last night, his hand was in my knickers. I put my glasses on to really wake myself up. I even opened the window which is still open, so I know that it wasn’t a dream. He told me to lift my bum. I was making sure I was being really vocal and trying to wake him so he could see what he was doing in his sleep. I asked him why and he said “so I can stroke you”. So I pulled my knickers down and suddenly he felt bad – I think he was waking up and realising that it wasn’t all in my head. He drifted off again.

A few minutes later he was touching himself in his sleep, and then his hand reached for me again. I tried waking him – this time by stroking his penis. He seemed more responsive – was rubbing his eyes. I climbed on top of him. And then, somewhat awake, he turned to his side and said “sorry, I went too far”.

I told him he doesn’t need to be sorry.

I am not concerned about him touching me in bed – if it ever got penetrative and he wasn’t awake, I would stop him. It’s happened before and I didn’t stop him because I thought he was awake – and that’s the time I started wondering if the man who raped me while I was trying to sleep (Detail removed by Moderator) years ago was even conscious of it.

What I’m more concerned about was his complete denial of it when it happened last week – it felt like a) he thought I don’t trust him and b) he was gaslighting me into thinking it was all a dream, perhaps to stop him from feeling guilt.

I really do want to crack on with some sexual healing, but only when my partner is ready too. I think it needs to be during the evenings, before either of us has gone to sleep, so we both know the other one is awake enough to give consent and to be aware of what each other is doing and how we are responding.

Thank you for reading this x

[tequilarose]

I’ve just noticed the censored word – it rhymes with “back” and it wasn’t meant in any offensive context!

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Thank you for sharing this. I have noticed we all have different experiences and feelings and so although I know mine is not the same as yours, there were some things that occurred to me about consent.
I reclaimed my sexual experiences to a certain extent, after leaving my ex with a new partner, however too often we would find ourselves in bed after me, drinking a few too many glasses of red wine – and I didn’t like this pattern. At the time it seemed fun but in the long run it made me feel bad.

I realised also that when I voiced this, my new partner didn’t really take it seriously and even really if I’m honest didn’t particularly care. I tried to raise the issue several times and really wasn’t listend to I felt. So I’ve ditched him now and distanced myself from it.

There is maybe a parallel with the sleeping thing, I’m wondering. This seems like a really difficult thing to talk about but it seems important. Now, like you I really want to come forward to what my own needs really are – and for the moment I would rather not have a partner until I have more of a handle on them.
Hope that makes sense. Would appreciate what insights the other ladies have on this.
ftc
x

[tequilarose]

Thanks for replying, Freedomtochoose.

I think for many people who haven’t experienced abuse/assault/mistreatment, it’s hard for them to see what the big deal is about sex. For me, before I was sexually abused, I was so free spirited – it didn’t matter to me if I was drunk or both of us were drunk. I jumped from partner to partner – I just wanted to have sex and as long as the man was attractive, I didn’t really think about my emotional needs, just my physical ones.

My partner is very strict on not having sex when I’m drunk which I’m really grateful for. I was drunk the first time I was raped, so I would be really hurt if I was in that kind of triggering scenario (I rarely drink now just because I hate not being in control or aware of what’s happening).

He’s suggested we sleep separately until the 6 months are up, but it seems a bit extreme to me. I would miss waking up with his arms around me each morning even though we fall asleep facing away from each other.

I’ve spoken to him a little this morning and he doesn’t remember much but he has implied that I should not respond encouragingly while he is asleep. I also don’t want to respond negatively and make a mountain out of a mole hill. In my experience, people and particularly men take it very personally when rejected, especially within a relationship.

Freedomtochoose – do you mind telling me a bit more about what you’re discovering about your relationship with sex? It’s really good to meet someone who is going through a similar process 🙂

[freedomtochoose]

Hello again there,
I don’t mind hon. But I think you kind of said it for me when you said (and I would say this for me too in the past…)
“I didn’t really think about my emotional needs, just my physical ones”.

In my most abusive relationship (which was a marriage) – actually the emotional and financial abuse included emotional cruelty – in that in more than five years of marriage the person didn’t even hug, kiss or touch me. I know now in retrospect it was because they had a chronic condition but in the years that followed after I left when I did come across someone I found attractive and clicked with (it was a steady relationship and I thought it was also a friendship) – I kind of went overboard because I was glad to reclaim my sexuality after such a long time.

Where I am now as I said at beginning of this post – I am trying to reclaim my emotional needs and not just my physical ones. It had been almost as if I had cut off my feelings from sex. Which I know that women (and men) can do, but at this point in my life I don’t like to do that and would rather feel more of a ‘whole’ person. So I know this may sound funny but I’m using other techniques to work it all out, for example journaling.

I feel sad sometimes as if I will never have a relationship ever again, but then I am glad to be alive and my babes is with me. So I try to be grateful for each day, even if it sometimes feels like hard work.

I think there are emotional demands about living with a child or young person – and I know my priority emotionally is actually that and not a relationship. So I am trying to come to terms with that and continue the process of finding out what my own emotional needs are as a mother. Which is not easy either, as I have tended in the past to put my own needs to one side for the sake of child/young person.

However, I am glad to say that young person in question is growing up to be a true feminist and although of course I talk to them age appropriately – they are very sussed about such issues, so somewhere I must be a decent role model…although I don’t always feel it.

I get lonely for a relationship sometimes but I like to be in control and I get fed up with this thing – if you spend time with a bloke, even chatting to them, some feel that they have ‘rights’ over you…and are expected to do certain other things…I can’t stand that attitude. I guess that is my name on here…freedomtochoose. I have lived with a man before and now we are strictly a women-only household – I think it is good for us and a lot about space.
slightly off topic perhaps but that is what occurs to me
ftc
x

[tequilarose]

That all sounds really positive! It’s inspirational to read! Thank you.

Interesting that you mention journaling. For the past 4 years I’ve had men (friends, lovers) tell me that I have a way with words. I sometimes write erotica based on my experiences, and last week I bought myself a new notebook specifically for channeling that side of me. I think it’s time that I start exploring my own emotional needs relating to love and sex in those stories.

I hope that you continue to focus on yourself and your child. Having a women-only household must really help with figuring things out. And it’s nice to have that sense of responsibility as a role model. Whenever I feel like doing something self destructive (like self harming or drinking too much or having casual sex) I try to think about the example I want to set for my niece and nephew. They are little life savers! Having that auntie role, or in your case mother role, helps with feeling more wholesome and well rounded. We have SO much substance, we are not just sexual creatures (even if it is an essential part of life!) x

[iwillbeok]

Hi Tequilarose,

This is an interesting topic for me but coming from what seems to me a completely different angle. I was young and naïve when I met my husband. Totally innocent – I had had very few boyfriends and had never gone further than kissing. He bowled me over with his attention; within weeks he had declared his love. And I lost my virginity. The way I was raised this was a big deal! But I was hooked – on him and on the sex. I felt complete emotionally and physically – it was almost spiritual. I now, of course, know this was the love bombing phase.

Over the years our love life dwindled – it always does, doesn’t it with children and work and life pressures? What I didn’t expect was the affection and support and love to dwindle also. He would say it occasionally, randomly kiss me passionately, send kisses in his texts, but I guess in hindsight I didn’t feel it. Sex became warped – it happened so infrequently and only when I was woken to it; so many mixed signals; women who had had multiple partners were ‘tainted’; he instigated a threesome not long into our marriage; men weren’t designed for monogamy – the reason there was so much conflict was because people denied their innate animal instincts (toxic masculinity) but society added bulls**t ‘rules’; he accused me of being unfaithful if I was late home; he would want to hold me as we went to sleep but it felt so restrictive, imprisoning. The only propositions I got were requests for oral sex; like it was request for a foot rub, something to help him relax. My sexuality died a long slow death.

When it looked like he was losing control, losing me he decided on sex as his weapon of choice. He used it to punish and degrade me, and got off on the control. I hate the idea that he may well end up being the only man I have ever slept with; the last man to ever kiss me. The idea of casual sex scares the heck out of me – I wouldn’t know where to even start! A part of me wants to have a mad fling (no strings attached) as the emotional stuff is still just too messed up. Just to satisfy an itch? Pull off the plaster? I don’t know?

Wants and needs v pain and baggage. It’s all pretty messed up and I’m not getting any younger…

Iwillbeok x

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