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I’m remembering more and more and I think there was more sexual abuse than i realised and that it started at beginning when we git together. Finding it scary and worrying that I didn’t realise and don’t get why they are coming back to me years later.
I’m confused by what is classed as sexual abuse etc.
Ive remembered something that happened years back. He talked me into having sex with him in a public place. I really didn’t want to and he knew that. We were out in a bar, he was quite drunk. He had disappeared for ages and I discovered he has been flirting with other girls. He kept saying to me it’s you I want, only you. He led me into the ladies toilet into a larger cubicle. I didn’t want to but he kept on it will be ok, I want you. I gave in and went along with it but it was too much when he pushed me onto the floor and attempted to have sex with me. I didn’t do anything at first but I didn’t like it and was uncomfortable. I then managed to tell him to get off me. He hesitated but did get off me but then tried having sex with me standing up and I said that’s enough and moved away from him and it didn’t go any further.
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Hi I’m sorry you went through this, I’m not an expert on the subject but Rape Crisis is, you could give them a call to talk this through? In my opinion every single non-consenting touch is crossing boundaries but I don’t know the exact definition of sexual assault…I think it is touching sexual parts isn’t it, touching without consent.
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That’s definitely sexual assault. If he penetrated you at all with his penis when you’d made it clear you weren’t interested it’s rape.
Sexual assault is basically when someone gropes you for their own pleasure. Assault by penetration when someone inserts something other than a penis into you.
It’s a horrible thing to happen. Please speak to someone at Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid to help you through the trauma.
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I feel so stupid. This was early on in the relationship, how didnt I see that how he treated me was wrong. I was young and it was my first proper relationship and I was naïve I guess and didnt know any different. I was with him for years and there was physical and emotional abuse but I didnt see myself as in an abusive relationship when I was in it, not til I sought advice and help as I knew things weren’t right and I wasnt happy. i didnt know anything about emotional abuse or sexual abuse, didnt know it existed. Years later in our relationship he raped me. I didnt know at the time it was rape. i always thought of rape as by a stranger and as violent. i am only just accepting that it was rape. i knew what happened wasnt right, i felt horrible about it and i said to him the next day that it shouldn’t have happened, that he was rough and was hurting me and he said laughing in a joking voice i thought, did i rape you? i was really worried then and told myself i would never think about it again, i couldn’t. I didnt for years until it started coming back to me. I am having counselling now and i thought he only raped me this one time and there was only a small amount of sexual abuse in the relationship but more and more is coming back to me, including what i have spoke about above and i think its shocked me as im realising maybe he was sexually abusive from the start and i just saw it as normal as didnt know any different. there were good times in our relationship and there were times where we had enjoyable sex but then there is all this other stuff which i didnt enjoy and wasnt comfortable with. As i compare in my head the enjoyable times and the times i have remembered as not being quite right, i am starting to see the differences, mainly that these other times weren’t enjoyable for me, i wasnt into it and i wasnt comfortable and i had tried to say so which he disregarded and he pressured me/tried to persuade me til i gave in or other times he left it and didnt take it any further. I feel like though as i gave in, then i went along with it. Its so confusing and i dont want to think about it, but now its in my head.
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These people are predators. It is absolutely not your fault. When I first met my ex I thought the sex with him was something I hadn’t experienced before. I had been raped before I met him so I thought I knew what rape was. I didn’t. I was thinking only of what the previous rapist did, and what my ex wasn’t doing compared to that. Not a very high bar then.
Many abusers are very covert. This is why we stay with them. It’s all under the radar. This is what makes them so dangerous. Many of them rape as well part of the abuse.
Well done for getting out and finding counselling.
You are not at all stupid. Nor are you alone. I was never safe sexually with my ex. It’s really frightening to realise the extent of his behaviour.
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Hi
Yes I agree validation is extremely important, it calms one down, we are listen to, valued, you want your trauma to be handled with respect once it’s out, you just went through the effort to go dig into your memories and I think the very least the therapist could offer you is validation, unconditional support and understanding, giving you encouragement, stating very clearly that it was abuse, that he was totally in the wrong and you were abused.
Then to close it off she should offer you tea and biscuits and a big hug.I think you should be able to walk out of there feeling light, relieved and comforted. It should give you an energy boost because you’ve just shedded a heavy weigh traumatic experience and your experience was received in trusting respectful hands. (or ears).
Maybe you could ask her how she will react once you tell her your trauma? Or test her reaction by telling different experiences first.
Because understandably if she is just going to sit there unmoved you might as well take it somewhere else where you get a supportive reaction at the very least.I think you are ready to talk but just aren’t sure of the reception at the other end.
Your experience matters and you should get the full validation it deserves.
Have you considered talking to Rape Crisis? As Maddog had positive experience with them, it is worth a call, even just to introduce yourself. And talk when you are ready. Step by step you know.
Sending you a big hug 💞
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A lot of counsellors don’t understand trauma. It’s very specific. I looked at the list of symptoms of cPTSD. I used to have most of them a long time ago. Luckily many of them are in the past. It may be worth asking your therapist if they understand trauma. Sometimes CBT can be helpful. It is really worth having a chat with Rape Crisis. It’s a big thing to take on board that the person who is supposed to love you has actually been raping you all this time.
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