Sexual assault-sorry for the long post

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

Sorry for the long post, I just feel terrible today.

I could never remember my childhood memories, I always tried, but they are blank. I read that if you had a bad childhood, you tend to suppress the memories to help you overcome what happened.

(Detail removed by moderator).What I do remember from my childhood was her suffering, my parents suffering to deal with it, my mom cutting herself and me walking in on her, putting bandages on her at the age of 7. (Detail removed by moderator).

It is not my sister’s situation that is my problem. I do remember that my dad sexually abused my older sister. I remember walking in on them from time to time, I remember my sister talking to me saying she wants to tell my mother and me begging her not to as I didnt want my parents to split up. I blame myself that it went on for so long, I remember my sister finally telling my mom and my dad wanting to shoot himself. More than that I cannot remember.

Recently I have been getting flashbacks of where I am lying in the bed sleeping, my dad rubbing my leg, me crying saying it hurts and my dad saying it will be over soon. I dont know if my dad sexually abused me as well, I cant remember it, but these flash backs are getting worse and they feel so real. I can also remember when I was a teen, me and my sister had a fight about my dad sexually abusing her. She told my mother about it and my mom came and asked me if I remember anything else about what happened. I said no, and she walked away. Now it feels like I was supposed to remember that it happened to me as well?

I also have dreams where I am shouting at my mom saying I slept with her husband. I dont know if all of this is because of my sister being abused or if it actually happened to me. I feel so confused… My parents were also very open about sex and we used to walk in on them doing stuff, couldnt walk in the house at night as my dad will be naked, etc. They found it a turn on if we walked in on them

There is so much more I want to say, but dont want to make the post too long. Just feel scared and uncertain…

I despise having sex, I cant even have my partner touch me, it turns me off. I always thought it was because he raped me and abused me, but now I cant help but feel there are deeper reasons too

[Serenity]

Hi Woman in Need,

I am so sorry to hear your story.

You have been through so much, and experienced things you should have been protected from.

Have you had any counselling, where you could unravel all this in a safe and supportive environment?

[womaninneed]

Hi Serenity

Thank you for the support. I have not been for counselling yet, dont think my partner will let me go

xox

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi womaninneed, I’m so sorry to hear your story. There are a lot of things you say that are sexually abusive, your dad being naked, your parents liking you walking in on them. It maybe that you are starting to feel safe enough to remember now what you couldn’t before. It sounds like you are taking a lot of responsibility for your family’s feelings, but you were a child and none of it was your fault.

I have very similar experiences and repressed memories of the more direct abuse came back to me after I left my abusive husband (who also raped me). It’s natural to want to disbelieve your memories but you deserve to be heard and cared for now. My counsellor recommended a book called ‘the courage to heal’ which I think you would find very helpful. I’m now having counselling from my local rape crisis charity and it has helped so much. My flashbacks and nightmares have stopped now because I understand what happened and have been able to process it instead of dealing with fragments of memory. It’s been an incredibly painful process but I can honestly say I am getting so much better now. Please get all the support you can x*x

[womaninneed]

Hi Peaceful Pig

Thank you so much for the kind words. I am so sorry that you had to go through the abuse, I am so glad you got out and I hope that you find the peace you are looking for xox

I will read the book you suggested, just wish that the memories never came back..

[Peaceful Pig]

Sorry womaninneed, I hadn’t read your previous post so wanted to say that you won’t be able to handle dealing with this while you are still in so much danger, in fact please don’t try. I really hope you can find the strength to contact a refuge and get free and safe so you can heal xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Womaninneed, I am so sorry to hear about these awful things that happened to you. I think with memories and flashback they happen when the mind is ready to process things more. When you don’t remember it is because you might not be able to manage the memory. I think it would really help you to have some specialized counselling in childhood abuse, maybe the forum moderator will be able to point you in the right direction. I know sometimes these specialist services can take ages to make contact with. Your situation sounds awful both when you were little and now. You will have the chance to have a positive, happy life in time. X*X

[womaninneed]

Hi HA

Thank you so much for the kind words.

I dont think my partner will allow me to go for counselling and I dont want to tell him about my memories as he will only make things worse, he already tells me I have sex with my father during an argument as he knows it hurts me when he says stuff like that (because he knows what my dad did to my sister).

I hope I do get out and live a happy life, thank you xox

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi womaninneed, I just wanted to say that your instinct is spot on about your partner using any information against you. I am so glad you have not told him about this. That is so awful that he already says what he does to you. It must be so traumatic.
Yiu seem to have a very clear idea of his nature and tactics. What are the things that hold you back from leaving? I hope you will be able to call the helpline and post on here in order to resolve them. It took me many years to leave because I was so brainwashed into believing I was nothing and I was wrong. In the end the only thing I was wrong about was that I was stuck with him. There will be solutions and you deserve to be safe xx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

If u can speak to a rape counsellor it may help u , i would personally try and do the cousnelling, sorry to hear what u experienced, dont feell responsible for their abusive behaviour

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