Sexual coercion

[Lionking]

I told me husband weeks ago that I’m leaving because of his abuse. We are on holidays, a holiday he promised was just for the kids. He has pressured me every day since day (detail removed by Moderator) for sex. I feel so pressurised. He keeps pestering me and touching me in front of the kids so i feel like i cant keep tellin him to leave me alone. I said no one of the days and he was unbearable to be around. Since then I’ve agreed to give it another try because he wouldn’t leave me alone.

 

The past (detail removed by Moderator) days he has set the scene for sex once the kids have gone to bed. It’s happening again tonight. I feel so trapped. I can’t wait to go home but know this will continue.

 

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[Stargazing1]

I’m so sorry to hear what is occurring for you . Its a situation none of us wish to be in .  I don’t like to think of him touching you in that way . They seem to think they have a hold over us somehow.  My heart goes out to you for what you are dealing with.  In my eyes it’s typical behaviour for our tormentor to treat us so disrespectfully when we say no to being intamate with them . My other half has shouted and swore at me when I have said no to him  making me feel so very degraded and very upset.  Coercion is certainly a big no no but in my eyes they will deny that mine has very frequently.   I don’t think my response to your post will be of much use . These people don’t usually change their behaviour do they as you have said you can’t wait to get home but it will still continue.  All I can say is you will be most probably in the same boat as a lot of other people here and they will tell you to stand your ground.  There’s a womens aid telephone helpline to ring if things persist or you could speak with your GP or contact your local womens aid for support.  Some of the other ladies here can probably help you more than me . It’s difficult in these situations.  These other half’s of our shouldn’t make us feel as they do they should respect us . There demina comes across as though they don’t respect us because they act as they do . Not one single person should be coerced into anything they don’t want to do .  I’m sure Coercion is a crime isn’t it ( can’t be certain) . I’ve been in a coercive situation and it’s terrible and along with other things I got so fed up I contacted womens aid .  This was a few years ago.  They said everything I told them was domestic abuse.  Sorry my post was so long and I apologise in advance if this is not helpful.  Someone else on the forum hopefully will give a better answer.  Just take care and keep safe.

[Stargazing1]

Im just so sorry to hear you are dealing with such a  difficult situation my heart goes out to you.  Your the most important.  You and your children are very important. Please take care of yourself and just remember how important you are and your feelings.

[Lionking]

Thank you so much. It was so nice to read a response before getting into bed. I told him I was fling asleep and he said that seems to be the main excuse these days.

He tried to tell me not to make him out like the abusers I read about online. That he never hot a kick out of controlling me and we can move forward together but honestly, every time he looks me in the eye I’m terrified.

I’ve realised too much now.

[Stargazing1]

Your very welcome.  So your not allowed to be tired then . Honestly I do get the impression that’s all they think about.  I’ve been told ” oh it helps stress ”  before you know it my other half is shouting at me again.   I think these kind of people will always say they are not bullies / abusers because they will never accept that they actually are .  Feeling terrified should be a big eye opener for yourself.  It’s like we are meant to be thier slaves or something it’s despicable.  They don’t own us . We are supposed to be equals but no they want to be in control.  I’m so sorry that you are dealing with such awful behaviour.  If there is a chance you can think about some outside help when you get back home try and grab it . You won’t regret trying to grab that help .  I know a lot of us feel we are just keeping our heads above water and we are but we have here to vent to help us along the way ❤️.  Just please take care of yourself and the children 💜.  After talking here for a while I’ve realised I’m not alone and there is always someone to talk too . Keep posting and keep safe.

[Sad and alone]

Is there any way you can have a small conversation and explain how you feel? That’s stupid in itself I know because they won’t care! But maybe try and spin it that he knows you’ve told him you want to separate. You know he’s not in agreement. So if he wants things to work now you need some time to build the relationship back up again before you get to the stage where you’re comfortable to engage in intimacy of that level? I don’t know. I’ve said this before as an excuse. In my heart of hearts I know it’s bulls**t and I’m just buying time. That’s all it would be for you as well but maybe something you could try for the short term? Obvs not if you think it would make things worse or confuse matters, but it really doesn’t seem like he’s taking your decision to separate seriously anyway.
I really hope things get better and you’re able to enjoy parts of your holiday and especially the time with your children.

[Bananaboat]

So sorry you’re experiencing this. Unfortunately he sees you as a possession. My ex did similar after I said it’s over. He’s ‘marking his territory’ and testing your boundaries and will also most likely try to use the fact you’re having sex to argue you’re not breaking up. I totally understand doing what you need to keep the peace but let him sulk if it’s safe to do so. The kids pick up on the tensions eitherway sadly. If you want to leave him you have to go against your natural instinct to keep the peace and say no. Are you in a hotel, can you reach out if he gets angry in the room, could you get separate rooms? Unfortunately he’s doing whatever he needs to keep you as his supply and you have to stay safe but break that being firm with it’s over. If it’s not safe then please don’t put yourself in any risk and try something else x

[Lionking]

Thanks for all the responses. I’m home now and feeling better. I turned down the advances (detail removed by Moderator) and he changed tack and tried to use emotion to manipulate me – saying how lovely our family is and what an amazing life we have together if I give it another shot. And what a terrible life we will have if I don’t!!

I didn t give in and was met with sulking (detail removed by Moderator).

He tried to kiss me earlier and I managed to cut that off.

Now back to the sulks…(detail removed by Moderator). He says he’s done with it all – who knows what that means

[Lionking]

The only problem now is we have another holiday booked coming soon. It’s for (detail removed by Moderator) and with (detail removed by Moderator) other families and we have paid in full for it.

My daily life wouldn’t be worth living if I pull out of it.

I feel so trapped.

 

[Sad and alone]

So sorry you’re stuck in this. I feel the same. I had a conversation with my husband and said think we should split. He got very angry and the next day it was as if nothing had been said and for a quiet life I’ve not mentioned it again. I don’t really want anything physical but he keeps making random comments about sex like if I said my feet were aching he’d say sex helps. I think he’s trying to be funny but it’s just stupid and I’m tired of it. On the other hand I feel like I shouldn’t complain if I’m not actively trying to get out of the relationship as what am I here for if I don’t want all the things a relationship entails? Because I’m not ready and feel ill prepared to go which is what usually stops me all the times before. I also get told we have it so good, all I need to do is make an effort/change, we have a great life, and it’ll all be lost and you don’t know how good you’ve got it til you’ve lost it.

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in what you’re going through. I really don’t know what to suggest about the next holiday. Can you say you have your period?! Or if you’re feasibly around menopause age you could say you’re having issues like extended bleeding? Or create some other issue like it’s painful for a reason? Like a cyst or something? Sorry, probs all stupid but just trying to think of excuses you could give to make your life a little easier when you have to put on a show of togetherness.

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