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Hello. I’m new here. I was going to post my story under “Is it abuse”, but switched over to this forum at the last moment.
Sorry for such a long post, I thought I could put this briefly but that seems impossible.
My relationship ended several years ago. Only gradually did I begin to think back and wondering whether it was toxic or downright abusive. And only in the last six months or so have I dared articulate those words to myself. I’m yet to say them out loud to anyone. There were a number of red flags I missed, and I think by the end they were greater than the sum of their parts. I’m still feeling ashamed and stupid for never walking away.
The relationship was long-distance for the first few years, and then I moved in to his flat for the last nine months. Things had already taken a turn for the worse by then and I hoped moving in together would somehow help. I was finishing up my studies and working part-time, so I partly relied on him for money. There weren’t ever any overt arguments about money but gradually I began to feel at the mercy of his generosity when I no longer felt welcome in what was supposed to be my home.
– Over the years he would always make comments about my weight, e.g. patting my tummy saying I’d put some on. I was slim, but I started to hide food when we were together. I would also sometimes throw food in the bin because if he made a comment because I felt guilty for having bought it. Once, he brought back a box of chocolates for me which I ate over the next few days, and about a week later he asked after it wanting to have some. Obviously I felt like a pig for having eaten the whole box!
– Whenever I made a comment or joke he didn’t think was hilarious he said I was “so obtuse” – ironically, as a non-native speaker of English I thought the word meant “boring”, not “stupid”. But even then, when I eventually looked it up in the dictionary, I was offended. He had been a gifted child so I did genuinely think he was smarter than me, but that’s beside the point. He would also put me down in front of his friends.
– There were some BDSM elements to our sex life which started out well and good, fun and adventurous etc, but somehow gradually it became too serious without me realising. Not in terms of physical violence, but mentally. At the same time, I began to think that was the only kind of sex I liked, and with hindsight I think it’s because “normal” sex had no love left in it. At least within the context of BDSM the absence of affection can (not saying should) make sense.
– I somehow found myself allowing him to sleep with someone else, first because he was curious about gaining experiences (I had been his first sex partner), and later on because I was refusing to do some particular things in bed, and he found someone else do try those things with. He had tried to persuade me so I didn’t know what other option I had between doing it myself or letting him stop out. He came back and said he had fallen in love with the other woman but still I decided to stay and try to work things out.
– He began to say it was difficult to sleep in the same room because apparently the sound of my breathing stopped him from falling asleep. So I breathed as quietly as possible. Eventually he started to sleep on the sofa and complained about having a bad back. He’d only come to the bedroom when he wanted sex, which I went along with (and got some physical gratification out of, in fairness), but gone were the cuddles afterwards.
– There was one occasion when we were having sex and I asked him to stop after a while, but he said “sometimes when you say stop i just want to carry on anyway”, and did just that until he climaxed and climbed off.
Eventually he suggested we try living separately, and lent me deposit money for a letting agent. I felt grateful because otherwise I would have had to quit my job and move in with my parents. A couple of weeks after I moved, he broke up with me.
What an utter, utter idiot.
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Hi hun
Firstly don’t blame your self
These abusers know exactly what they are doing
When I moved in with my ex …he wanted to get into all sorts ..i was mortified
I could not see my self sleeping with anyone elseI gave up everything for him
And I was used and abused by him
He was leading a double life behind my back
We are free from them..that takes bravery
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Hi likevue,
Elements of your story echo mine. I remember my husband coming home from work and checkiing the bins to see what I have had to eat. It made me hide food, and eat very fast incase he came home and found me eating. One time on a plane with my eldest when she was little, a hostess was giving out sandwiches. He doesn’t like sandwiches so I only got one for my daughter. But the things he was saying to me on the plane were horrendous.
My husband said to me that he couldn’t sleep next to me cos I snored. My children seem to be able to sleep in the same room as me. It was later that I was glad he slept separately because I slept better without being assaulted at night.
But my main point, is your free of him. I wish mine would do the same and let me go but I can count on him stalking me and the kids. You are going to have a lot of emotions to process, now the fog has lifted. You’re not to blame for any of it. They try to own us with money, gifts and manipulation.
You sound very strong but something like this eats away at your very being. Call the helpline, get some counselling and heal yourself.
You are free.
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Hi All,
Many thanks for your supportive comments which I really appreciate. I’ll read more of the stories here and maybe eventually phone the number. Not today.There’s not been any contact for years now and indeed I’ve heard on the grapevine he’s moved to the other side of the world. The further the better, as far as I’m concerned. I’m grateful there are no kids, so many others on here are in an impossible situation trying to do the best by their children.
The biggest issue is forming new relationships which I’m working on. In the meantime, focusing my brain power on work has been an absolute lifeline and I now find myself the youngest of the management team. Talk about a silver lining.
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Hi All. Just revisiting my post from about three months ago. All this stuff resurfaced for me last spring when a friend asked a well timed and placed question about my previous relationship, and I began to ponder just why I was so upset, to the point of snapping and saying I don’t want to talk about it, and then waiting for the occasion to end so I could go home and cry. Surely that wasn’t normal. I had buried it all in the hope the hurt will wither and die away, and in the meantime convincing myself that I could make it on my own in this world.
It was time to admit to myself that what happened years ago was abuse, because otherwise it would carry on burning for ever. That was a big shock, but eventually, I found this forum and wrote the post above. I still haven’t phoned the helpline. But over the Christmas holidays I had time to reflect and resolved that I won’t try to make it alone anymore. That man has no business interfering with my 2018. I will ask for help and improve my confidence so in good time I can find somebody else and not run away from the opportunity. The first step will be to tell my best friend what happened – I’m sure it won’t be a complete surprise, but it’s time to have it out in the open. I plan to do the next time the opportunity presents itself and I can gather the courage, maybe tomorrow.
So maybe that means that things are finally on the up.
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Hi Likevue, sorry to hear you’re still struggling. My situation is different, still in the process of leaving, however I think I know what you mean about a smouldering pain buried deep within. A place you bury all the bad stuff and try to move on with your life. I buried the memories so deep I forgot about them until I started writing stories about how I might escape. In those stories characters asked about my past etc and it made no sense to me. In the end I went for counselling to try to get to the bottom of my problems and gain confidence to leave him for real. She told me the relationship was abusive and we dug deeper together while I googled abuse and came on this forum. Dealing with reliving my memories is very painful but it’s helped me realise that he was abusing me from the start. It’s really scary and tough sometimes, but I starting to realise I’m not such a fool or not crazy, many, many others have fallen for the same lies and deceptions. It’s not us they are incredibly brilliant at getting what they want and manipulating and controlling us. It’s hard not to take the blame, they conditioned us so well by always telling us it’s our fault. But it’s really not us who are to blame, they choose to treat us appallingly. We love and trust them because we are caring, loving women who expected them to treat us like we treat them. It’s their fault and their loss when we finally leave. Good luck with your journey 😊
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