Should I allow him to be part of the milestones?

[Lilypink]

Just wanted to gage how you have dealt with your former partner’s contact time & important events in your child’s life?

Mine currently has supervised contact with our child and that is due to continue until he successfully completes a perpetrator programme. However, our child is due to start school in the autumn & I feel torn over whether I should give him the opportunity to be there. Not sure how it would even work because he has to be supervised? But part of me feels he should be there for our child’s sake. Any advice would be much appreciated…

[fizzylem]

Hi LP, we started off him being invited, until he turned up high for my childs party and we were supposed to be sharing the responsibilty for taxi-ing her and her friends to the venue – yet he blames me of course for him missing out. He misses out because he refuses to be respectful to her mother – if he cant be civil to me then he forfeits his access to anything where she needs me to be with her for these milestones or for anything.

There has to be respect and a functioning relationship for this to work – for ‘both’ parents to want what is best for the child, or seperate arrangements made x

[Tiffany]

I think your child needs you there more than him. And the last thing they need on their first day of school is Daddy being horrible to Mummy and distressing them. He’s only got supervised access for a reason. And he has therefore forfeited his right to be there for milestone events. To be honest, I think the first day at school is something the parents remember far more than the kids, so being there for it would be for him far more than for the child. The kid is only going to remember it is outstandingly different to other early days at school. And that will only happen if your ex makes it so by distressing your child. I would say that if you are feeling generous you can give him a copy of the photo of your child in their school uniform on their first day (through a third party if you are no contact). But frankly he’s lost his entitlement even to that.

[KIP.]

Nope. Don’t give him the opportunity to destroy that memory for you. He’s on a perpetrator programme for a reason. I’d also be careful about your expectations of him completing the course “successfully”. I’ve yet to hear of one positive outcome for these men changing their behaviour permanently. I hear more often about how they learn to abuse covertly. Try to cut him out the loop for everything and wait for him to ask. If it was you or I we would be desperate to see that day but sadly these men simply don’t care and it would be a shame to get your child’s expectations raised.

[Lilypink]

Thanks for your comments and advice. Yes, I’ve accepted that he won’t be a part of these ‘moments’ and KIP I’ve realised that it’s up to him to ask and then I can make my decisions. I constantly feel that I should be considerate of his feelings, but understand that this way of thinking gets me absolutely nowhere and sets me back a hundred times, so I have to be hardball otherwise he just takes advantage. Like someone mentioned to me in a previous thread, this is moral fight now and I’m ready for it.
Tiffany…thanks for the suggestion.. just what I plan to do. Will send photos to a third party who can pass onto him, if he even mentions it. Have had no indication that it’s even on his radar. We have no contact with each other at all; I had to shut that down as he was taking liberties and using the process to try and bully me again, I was becoming a mess.
I hope that he does gain insight into his behaviour and start to make some changes for the better whilst on this programme, but KIP I’m with you, in that I’m sceptical. Time will tell i guess…

[Staystrong]

I’m having similar thoughts, I suggested my ex might like to collect our daughter from her(detail removed by moderator)…for his benefit I realise in hindsight. He just used it as an opportunity to see me and have a go at me. So, like you, unless he mentions it I won’t go out of my way to be considerate to his feelings. Keep strong X

[Author]

Posts