Should I call him?

[deepbreath]

Hello,

I have left my abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator). Have gone through all the emotions – confused, despair, hurt, angry. I sent a message saying that it was over, final decision and best for both of us. He cannot understand why this is happening and is accusing me of being cruel, torturing him, using my insecurities to say this wasn’t right. i have blocked him but now he is calling from an unknown number and leaving voicemails.

Should I call him? Was a message not enough? I feel so awful, that I owe him a call to explain why I am leaving but all the advice says not to. Should I call him family to explain? How do you handle this situation? i feel like I am the cruel hurtful one in this situation.

[Serenity]

In a normal relationship, you could sit down and explain the reasons.

But you can’t with an abuser- which is why I suspect you left without trying to explain ( though I’m sure you tried to explain a million times within the relationship).

Abusers use discussion as a chance to use weapons of guilt, fear and intimidation to make you do things their way. They duck and dive, twist, project, repeat over and over so you don’t get anywhere, blame, derail, digress: they do anything but what you want them to do, which is to have an open, honest, equal conversation where both people’s needs are taken into account.

I’m sure you have told him a lot of times what the problems are. If he didn’t change, it’s most probably because he didn’t listen. He heard the words, but didn’t actively
listen and assimilate them- because he was just interested in getting you to do things his way. Our words are like water of a duck’s back to them, if we are trying to explain our needs. They’re only interested in their own.

I don’t think he would listen any more intently this time. He might pretend to, in order to get you back.

I worry that he will use any phone all from you to try to manipulate you into going back. He knows you’re an empathetic person.

The fact he’s tried all different numbers to get hold of you ( mine did that), shows how intent he is on getting his way.

My instinct would be to say no direct contact with him at all. If you feel saying to his family something like ou both know what the lei lens were within the relationship- without getting embroiled in too much detail- then he can’t accuse you of bad mouthing him, plus you’re batting the ball back in his court, for him to take responsibility and face up to things.

[Serenity]

Typo:

I meant tell his family just that you both know what the problems were in the relationship

[deepbreath]

Thanks Serenity, so useful to have your advice. I’m not going to contact him, he has been contacting friends and family with basically a smear campaign against me. luckily my friends and family know the situation and are being suppportive but he’s making me out to be some crazed serial sex cheater. I never cheated on him! The situation is out of control.

[lover of no contact]

No Contact with him weakens him and strengthens you. If you can just resist his Grand Hoover to engage you and have contact with you (just so he can abuse you again), he will eventually leave you alone. He will pull out all the stops to get you to engage. He will deploy anything and everything. But eventually if you resist…he will be forced to go elsewhere, forced to get his fuel hit off another empathetic person..sad for her but at least it won’t be you.

[SunshineRainflower]

I am dealing with the exact same issue right now. I say definitely stick to no contact. When I ended my relationship he asked me to explain why and because I felt cruel just hanging up I did explain. Predictably he just used it as an opportunity to gaslight, lie, twist, manipulate, confuse and exhaust me and at one point I scarily found myself almost agreeing to hang on. Luckily he said some odd things which broke me out of the illusion and I ended it and have stuck to no contact since which has helped me gain hugely in strength and clarity. He is currently hoovering me big time and it’s very hard, these abusers hate when we take back our power and they can’t manipulate us anymore, I imagine it really irritates them. I’m currently nervous about future hoovers he may try but trying to stay strong to stick to no contact whatever it is he does because in the end it’s the only way forward to regain control of our lives.

Accusing you of cheating sounds like a classic ‘blaming you for something he did’ hoover – it’s aimed at wanting you to ‘clear your name’ and is highly manipulative. Well done for seeing through it and refusing contact and surrounding yourself with a good support network, it’s so hard but like ‘lover of no contact said’ eventually (hopefully!) they give up and go elsewhere if we keep ignoring them. There is a good list online of hoovering techniques abusers use (they will try anything) and it’s a good one to read to prepare yourself for any future hoovering, it should come up if you do a google search.

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