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So I phoned the police and made a statement about some of the things he’s been doing to me. I just don’t feel good I feel extremely guilty and very sorry for him. he’s not abusive all the time and can be extremely loving and kind but also has a terrible temper. I also wonder if it is even abuse because in many ways he didn’t control me – I’m the breadwinner and finally independent from him. But i know he has hit me and forced me to be intimate and is generally not nice to me at all. I said last night just to be clear I don’t want to be with you anymore or for you to return to the house, and he agreed he didn’t want to me with me either. So if he can be amicable should I drop the charges and retract the statement?
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My advice is absolutely do not drop the charges and withdraw your statement. Domestic abuse is a Pattern of behaviour and this is just part of his pattern. It’s also accountability. He needs to know there are consequences. Try to think that it’s out your hands now and you’ve handed it to the professionals who know how to deal with him. You’ve tried for years for him not to be abusive and it hasn’t worked. He absolutely does not get any credit for occasionally being nice. That’s what decent human beings do. It’s also child abuse snd you need to protect your children. I dont know if social services are involved yet but you need to do absolutely everything to show you’re protecting your children. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. His pattern of behaviour will continue while you allow contact. Let the professionals deal with him and let the justice system run its course.
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(Detail removed by moderator) i am getting support from my loacal womens aid and they have said to report the breaches and I have , I just feel so bad telling anyone what he has done as most of the worst things are not recent but several years ago. Social services are involved and also makes me feel very anxious.
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I feel bad that he doesn’t know how to look after himself iv always done everything for him and he can’t read so is going to struggle.
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I’m in exact same stage as you. I also feel guilty as he’s being so nice. I feel deceitful but it’s what needs to be done. Think about other times. For me every time trouble came to house he was so nice and as soon as trouble left, he was back to being mean. I too have social services coming. I feared them coming for so long but now I’m welcoming them, I realise they are there to help, not make things worse. I realise now that he just does not stop and needs to face his crimes. It’s really not easy though for us cos we are nice and for me I feel guilty and mourning the good times. I’m gonna try stay strong and just let whatever happens happen. He’s so nice today but I just look at him and think is this a trick. Look at the past behaviour he’s done and stay strong x
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Thank you everyone for your comments it’s nice to know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling
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He absolutely does know how to look after himself. He just chooses to have you run after him. He’s and adult. There’s plenty help out there for people who can’t read should he choose to reach out for help. He’s not your responsibility. It sounds like he’s out you through horrific ordeals. Google trauma bonding. Abusers keep us in a fog of abuse. fear Obligation and Guilt. The most violent incidents are often used to control us. You will probably find you’ve done what he says from then on to appease him. Just like a bully, maybe that’s why you haven’t been badly hurt recently but the psychological damage is done and the threat of physical violence is always there. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as adults so your helping your children by showing them that nobody has to tolerate abuse and there are consequences x stay strong, it’s going to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for quite some time but none of this is your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about x
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I feel the same about mourning the person he was when we met and made me feel so safe now I feel like it is him I need protecting from
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It’s very hard to be strong and dropping charges feels like the easy option but it’s not the right option. I get the guilt, I have just reported my ex for a second breach of a non molestation order. It seemed like a trivial thing he’d done but I’ve learnt to report everything as things can quickly escalate. His choice to breach it so he can face consequences. You are not responsible for him. Remember that x
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Police have called and said they have enough evidence to arrest him for breaching the bail conditions by contacting me and hold him while they take it to the cps. What I’m worried about is that the cps haven’t said will prosecute and he could be arrested and realised and I don’t know what he will do if that happenes I think he will be so mad and I don’t know if a restraining order will be enough to keep him away, just feels so risky.
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