Should I have been clearer?

[itwillbeokay]

Husband is saying he had no idea how unhappy I was and that I just upped and left and he is shocked and would never have done what I’ve done etc.

I did tell him he had to stop and that it was abuse.

Should I have been clearer? Told him I was thinking of leaving? I just snapped really after another abusive episode and I packed me and the children’s things at midnight whilst he drank downstairs and I walked out first thing. We are now separated and he says he’ll never understand it. I feel wracked with guilt and sadness over what I’ve done. When will it end?

🙁

[enofadov]

I’m exactly the same. He’s shocked at how much hostility I have to him, I have never apparently told him what was the matter.
I really think these men know, I mentioned my issues many times and he ignored, argued, played down, laughed at or disagreed with them, they know they must do and if they don’t know we have to believe that makes it even worse that they don’t understand how wrong they have behaved. Stay strong, the guilt comes and goes for me and I’ve been assured the anger will replace it soon.
You are free and you are safe. X*x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much. This is what I’m struggling with. Do they or do they not know. He seems to think I’m being ridiculous having counselling and doing limited contact and leaving like I have. Makes out he’s not a bad man and I was perfectly safe. I probably was physically safe, maybe, but mentally I was wasn’t, I was feeling worse and worse and I feel broken by the emotional abuse he says didn’t happen, or rather he minimises it and belittles it.

Xx

[enofadov]

Exactly the same!
Makes me feel mad and silly

[backtome]

It doesn’t matter how clear you were, he still wouldn’t have understood it because he doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong or “that bad”. He’s belittling the abuse to you and banking on you feeling guilty to take control of you again.

For you to pack your bags at midnight and leave things must’ve been bad, just hold onto that thought. You definitely did the RIGHT thing not telling him you were going. Doing so may have put you in and your children in danger of further/worse abuse. Just keep reminding yourself that everything he does is towards his own goal. x

[Iwon]

These men feel entitled to abuse because they see themselves as superior and special. Above consequences because they are special. My ex genuinely couldn’t understand why I didn’t love him anymore. This is after years of affairs with men as well as women I discovered later. This is after throwing us out on the streets. This is after stealing my life savings and trying to bankrupt me. This is after years of me keeping him because he refused to work. I became so conditioned and scared I tolerated it.

He will never admit yo fault because if you believe it is somehow your fault he has power x

[itwillbeokay]

It helps to hear. And be reminded how I left and how I was feeling to have done that with our children asleep!

We are just on such different pages with it all and I find it hard to believe, I don’t know what to think or how to feel about it.

I know I’m sad and lonely though.

Xx

[Itwastimetostopit]

I’m on a different page to him too. Seems to be a familiar trait.

Don’t think That’s going to change.
I feel guilty from speaking out as it led to a bad escalation but I couldn’t do it alone.

You have done the right thing for you and your children. He’s not your responsibility

I’m just saying to you what I’ve had said to me.

[Tiffany]

This is classic gaslighting. He knows exactly why you left, and he’s trying to make you doubt yourself by saying he doesn’t understand why you left. He’s basically telling you that you were the unreasonable party. You weren’t. And he knows this. But if he can convince you that you were you might come back to him. Stay strong, remember things as you remember them, not as he tells you that they happened.

[Author]

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