Should I have been more aware?

[Flippy]

Hi

I’m new here. I guess I just wanted to voice out some things and question if I should have seen some red flags of abuse and raised these before my partner strangled me whilst very drunk (timeframe removed by Moderator)… I called the police and she was taken away (timeframe removed by Moderator) but I didn’t press charges so she was released (timeframe removed by Moderator).

I’m safe at a friend’s. And she’s at our other friends cos I don’t want her in my house whilst I’m not there.

It’s just come completely out of nowhere to me. But maybe it shouldn’t have…

She’s never been violent with me before. The most she has ever done is pushed me or blocked me from moving. But this feels like things have escalated way way over what I could have possibly expected. Should I have discussed the events of previous drunken nights with her rather than brushed them under the carpet?

I know she’s got mental health issues, she has counselling (timeframe removed by Moderator) about her parents and upbringing but I thought things were better…

I’m confused and upset and horrified but I love her. But I also don’t think I can trust her even though she only does these things when drunk.

I think maybe I’ve been in an abusive relationship all along.

I find myself changing myself to suit her, I don’t want to upset her and deal with her mood changes even tho she says I should just leave her to it. She makes it very awkward for me to see friends she doesn’t like. She wants to spend all our time together and hates it when I’m on my phone messaging people when she’s around, altho it’s fine for her to do this.

She says I never blindly back her on things when I try to apply a logical approach, which is my nature.

But she’s often a joy to be around. She is the life and soul and people gravitate to her.

She also threatens and has kind of attempted suicide.

I’m a gay woman and I’m in shock.

[Lisa]

Hi Flippy,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have experienced from your partner, it sounds very distressing for you. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support.

Abuse can be very confusing as abusive people are not always abusive, it is understandable you feel confused and upset. You haven’t done anything to cause her behaviour- she has chosen to act this way. You might want to take a look at Bloom who offer free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. You can find their details here.

We also have our Live Chat service if you would like to chat to a Women’s Aid worker. Live Chat is currently open 10am-4pm Mon to Fri. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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