Should I reach out?

[Janedoeissad]

Today I found out my friends brother took his own life after he split from his wife. I am devastated for her. She is inconsolable.

This has triggered a surge of guilt in me. My Ex does have mental health problems. He genuinely took medication for it. I don’t believe that was the reason for his abuse, I feel it was learnt behaviour from his Father. Since I have left it has triggered his depression too and he’s taking medication for that.

I feel an overwhelming urge to contact him. Not to get back together, but to tell him he isn’t alone as he really does have no friends and minimal contact with his family.

Ultimately, if he ever did anything and I hadn’t offered any support I would not be able to forgive myself. But I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to start any long winded conversation, but I want to be supportive.

[Ayanna]

I would not do it.
He is not your responsibility.
Whatever he does is his decision.
You are not his mother.
Free yourself.
You are not guilty, not for anything.

[SunshineRainflower]

The difficulty here is that many abusive men use the threat of suicide to get the victim back under control, because that is how low these types of men are. The sad thing is there are many non abusive men with genuine mental health problems who need support. I expect that your friend’s brother fell into this category, and was not an abuser.

Either way though, you aren’t his partner anymore and there are a lot of services out there who help people with mental health problems. Once you split with someone it is not your role to support them anymore, and in non abusive relationships could make things worse and muddy the water, but in abusive ones it could end up being dangerous for you as the abuser is usually lying about being suicidal. I have suffered from depression for years and felt suicidal at times but none of my exes have ever got back in touch to support me and I didn’t expect them to. Could you ring anyone to talk it through, the Samaritans might be good, or victim support? Someone who understands both suicide and the dynamic of abuse. I would just be very worried that if you got back in touch with your ex you would get dragged back into the abuse and actually be in danger yourself as has happened to many women before you.

[starryeyed]

Hi Janedoeissad,

I can see where you are coming from and why you feel guilty and want to make sure your ex is okay. I feel the same with my ex – he said he was suffering from mental health problems and alluded to wanting to do ‘something stupid’, and I hate myself for not being there to support him right now or to be that shoulder in his time of need.

HOWEVER – I tried to support him before and offered help and just to be there for him. And he never accepted it and it certainly didn’t stop him abusing me – in fact it got worse. If he is having mental health problems, he knows who he needs to be in touch with and has told me he is getting help – so professionals can help him now and they always could help him more than I ever could.

I really feel that you should think before you get in touch with him, and think about what impact this could have on you. Contacting him again is likely to be detrimental to YOU – you are showing you still care, it gives him that glimmer of hope and he is a victim again. He finds his way in.

Also, even if you did just message to show concern – you know you don’t want and can’t have a conversation with him – so really, you can’t provide that level of support to him anyway.

Sending him one message is really unlikely to end up just being one.

You also did help him and show him support when you were with him – please try not to feel guilty for not supporting him because you did as much as you could. Sometimes we need to look after ourselves.

If he is on medication, then his GP knows and he will likely be getting support from them.

Stay safe <3 x*x

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you for all your advice ladies, it is really appreciated as always.

I think you are all right (again, as always!!). Its nice that people understand why I feel the way I do. My family think I have lost my mind!!

Ayanna, you are right, he his not my responsibility. This incident has set me back slightly I think. Its put me back into a mindset I thought I had stopped.

SuneshineRainflower, you are so right, abusive or not contacting an Ex can make things incredibly awkward. Its also good to hear that you yourself would not expect an Ex to contact you.

Starryeyed, I know that if I tried to help that it would have the same outcome as you had. I used to hate asking how he was when I was with him, so god knows why I feel the urge to ask that question now. And yes, I tried in vain to help him when I was with him but I was never good enough in his mind.

I am thinking more clearly this morning. Still feeling that guilt but its lessening. Just goes to show that the FOG can come back and grab you at any time!!

[Author]

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