Shouting and swearing at me – is this normal?

[Robin]

Hello, it’s the first time I’ve posted on this site. I’m feeling very confused at the moment about whether I’m overreacting to the situation at home. My husband shouts at me a lot, usually when I don’t do something to his standard or if I’m simply run out of time to do it at all. He calls me names such as b***h, a stupid dense b***h and sometimes uses the C word. He’s just horrible really, and these tirades can happen in front of our two children (detail removed by moderator). He has kicked me several times the last time was because I spoke to him in a way he didn’t like; I had lower back pain and had a bout of IBS at the time and I was so frustrated with him as he expected me to do something that he was perfectly capable of doing, so I spoke to him through gritted teeth and he kicked me in front of our eldest son…he has only ever apologised for this occasion.
Over the weekend I left the children in the car with him while I went to a shop and when I returned our youngest was crying in the back. When I asked how long this had been going on for he said about 15 minutes I asked why he hadn’t picked him up and he replied that he didn’t want to. At one point he turned to face him and yelled ‘shut the f**k up!’ And he yelled several times as were driving as our son was still crying.
I’m at the point now where I want to leave but having done this before and returning after just a few days – a mistake on my part as he has said that his behaviour couldn’t have been that bad otherwise why did I go back? Part of me doesn’t want to give him the chance to modify his behaviour as I know that he can still flare up and if he’s angry enough he will still be intimidating and shouting at me and the children. I’m worried how he’ll react if I tell him that unless he changes his behaviour I’ll go (I have said that to him before, we were having a row and he told me to F off, I’d said I will if you continue to talk to me like that. He got right in my face and told me not to threaten him.) Also, as he didn’t want our youngest child (he wanted me to terminate)
I’m not sure about how to start a conversation on any of this with him. We’ve been together for a long time and married for (detail removed by moderator). He’d started to be abusive to me after the birth of our first son he was a bit more physical towards me then, which is why I left without telling him. Over the last year it’s mostly nasty words, shouting and disrespectful behaviour (swearing in general conversation in front of the children even though I ask him not to on a daily basis, not talking to me – he leaves the house sometimes without saying good bye to any of us).
He tells me I do nothing, even though I work full time and do all the cooking and routines with the children (he refuses to take our son to any activities and then complains that he does everything else in the house (he likes the house kept tidy). I’m worried about the impact on his behaviour on the children and that they think it is normal but I don’t think it is. Then last night everything seemed ‘normal’. He didn’t have a go at me for there being two days of dishes waiting to go in the dishwasher so I thought it would be a good time to let him know that my son had been invited to his cousins’ birthday party, which is about 90 miles away. He raised his voice and told me that ‘no, you’re not going’. He said he has to drive there every day and there was no way I was going at the weekend. I said I would be going, he said you’re not and then the subject changed.
Is there any level of normality to any of this? I know he’s being verbally abusive and I’m pretty sure I want to leave but I’m scared about making the wrong decision. Other than the few times he’s kicked me he can sometimes get in my face, but this is because I’m answering back- I think I’m doing this because I want physical evidence of what he’s doing to me and then it would make how I’m feeling okay. I feel confused just writing this – has anyone been through something similar?

[Herindoors]

Hi Robin and welcome x
Yes most of us have been through similar. When reading posts on this forumn many of us add things like ‘are you talking about my husband!’.

No this is not normal behaviour and it is abuse. My ex behaved like this with me for years, the verbal/emotional/financial abuse, sexual coercion and threats of violence. Finally in the last year we were together, when he knew I was moving away from the relationship, he got physical and it that’s when it tends to escalate (when they know we are thinking of leaving). So stay safe. Trying to talk to him about it is unlikely to get you anywhere and could make it worse if he feels you are planning on leaving. Please do ring the helpline because they will help you work this out in your head and work with you on a safe exit plan. You need to keep yourself and your children safe and so they won’t rush you into anything but work with you until you feel you can make a move.

The cycle of abuse is this Incident – Reconciliation – Calm – Tension Building – Incident and so on. This is why it is such confusing behaviour. They are sorry, they do nice things, behave nicely for a while but eventually there is another incident and so it continues. We are so starved of someone being nice to us that when they are nice we cling onto that when they are being nasty, hoping they will go back to the nice version.

It really helps to read this forumn to get a better understanding of how abusers think and why – and to see that you are not alone. If you can do it secretley then I would recommend reading ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy. It really helped me.

Good luck xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi Robin and welcome, you’ve taken the first steps reaching out so well done.

I echo everything HerIndoors said. It IS abuse and it would be great if you could begin an action plan. Have you managed to call the helpline? The ladies on he end of the phone are amazing and will help you.

Hang in there, you’re absolutely doing the right thing xx

[Jennaflorrie]

Hi….well, you could have been talking about my husband – quite a few years back….he has changed only in the last few years…unfortuntly my daughter who is in her (detail removed by moderator) has been affected. She has depression. Low level work. she is improving…because h is mostly living away and working away so I only see him part of week now.

I also have a son, who is (detail removed by moderator), he lives with his grandparents as he is in college…so, he is with his dad and his grandparents during term time.

Point is….I was in your shoes. With young children. Being sworn at. Slapped. It wasn’t so bad…physically that I ran away…but it was day after day…then he would be nice…..then he would erupt about nothing. He would swear, ruin holidays, ruin birthdays, complain about everything.

He changed only because I just didn’t react to him anymore and his own daughter wanted nothing to do with him. He also has a long term illness which will probably shorten his life…and he is a bit burnt out now for playing games all the time.

But you…you can make your future better. It is difficult, you hope things will improve. But, you may well be gambling with your childrens mental well being. Like I said..my D has depression, she is on anti depressents and I have to constantly encourage her, help her, take her places..bolster her up and watch her struggle to get past the effects of her useless dad, telling her she was nasty, mean, etc.

Why didn’t I up and leave when they were young? Well, I didn’t want my children being with HIM part of the time and goodness knows what he would get up to…so I put up with the devil, to keep my kids with me all the time.

You are between the devil and the deep blue sea. But, looking at my daughter and feeling the guilt I feel….for staying so long…..I would say to you to separate. Just take that one step. Don’t tell him, because he will put on the crocodile tears and weep and tell you how wonderful you are, that he loves you to the moon and back and he is sorry….blah…blah..blah. Just make a plan….find a place….where you can live with your children. Get together the deposit for the rent….then just go. You could choose a time when your h has been particularly nasty. Have your kids things packed ready. Take the things you want and need to the rented house. Don’t disucss with hubby just go.

When he pleads with you to come back…just say…I will see…I need my space…and keep saying that. don’t let him stay over let him stay over in the rented house…try not to even react to him. (information removed by moderator) I have found him really really helpful and I wish I had read his blogs and features years ago. Its a real eye opener.

You are not the crazy one, he is. But you have a lot at stake.

[Robin]

Thank you for your responses it’s sad but reassuring to know that I’m not totally alone.

I think my (detail removed by moderator) knows his dad his naughty and he knows not to say his naughty words. The other day when H was having a rage about the ‘filth’ in the hourse my son cuddled me and started mimicking a pretend gun with his fingers, it really worried me. Previousaly he has said ‘wouldn’t it be nice to live in a house without Daddy’ and last night he told me that Daddy had asked him if he know my phones password, he said he didn’t but he does. When I asked why he didn’t tell him he said he didn’t want to get me into trouble. I love our son so much and despite what he sometimes says about his Dad I do also know that he adores him.

I think the problem for me is that although I know his behaviour isn’t right and does upset me the angry rages don’t always last for long but sometimes they are punctuated with in the face finger pointing and snarling. I don’t want my son to feel that he has to protect me, I’m the one that should be protecting him.

Jennaflorrie, when I left a few years ago I didn’t tell him and I’d set up an email account for him to use to use for arranging contact for our son. In this he begged me to come back to him, telling me that we could sort out the mess but he never actually said ‘sorry’ or even acknowledged his behaviour. He still hasn’t. He says he doesn’t trust me now, that when he goes to collect our son from school and he’s the last one out he thinks I’ve taken him again. I’d said I wouldn’t go again without telling him so I feel I should follow that although I think it would be difficult in the house.

I feel very confused. Even with what you’ve said Jennaflorrie I still wonder if I’m overacting!! He’s done quite the job on me. You know, it’s funny, I read about the terrible behaviours and the ‘loving and caring’ that follows but I don’t see this side because he’s never been hearts and flowers. And so after a row, after the shouting and swearing and whatever storming off he does it’s just like it never happend.

I have a call with a counsellor later this morning – I’m hoping to find some clarity.

[Author]

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