Shouting and threatening. Is this the beggining of domestic violence?

[Peppa]

I spend half of night reading posts on this forum. My husband is most of the times calm and a relaxed, funny guy. For the last (detail removed by Moderator) months I noticed he will get very angry out of sudden for little things and really shout at me(when I don’t want to do some things or that the house is not clean). One day I wanted to have a bath (detail removed by Moderator). I told him that I am going to the bathroom. My toddlers came in and starded to cry that want bath also. I asked him to take them out and he starded to shout so bad at me and took my clothes and throw them in the water, saing go to hell in front of the kids. At the end it was me to blame that I wanted to have a bath when the kids are awake. Second time it happend to get angry that I don’t want to do his (detail removed by Moderator) and slam my hand very hard. He is apologising the next day and behaves very nice after. He wasn’t violent with me untill now. I am afraid that one day he will do me more harm. I have starded to make escape plans, in case it gets worse.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Peppa, welcome. It certainly does sound the like beginning of something doesn’t it and the fact that you’re here means you recognise that it is likely to get worse. Are you able to give the helpline a call?

It’s great that you are thinking about an escape plan – please don’t let him know that you’ve thinking of leaving as that’s when they really can get dangerous.

[Racoon]

I bet you never dared to have a bath in the day/leave him to deal with the kids or declined to complete his (detail removed by Moderator) again did you?

It’s all about control and manipulating situations to suit his needs. Abusive behaviour can be incredibly subtle but over time it can control every aspect of your life without you actually knowing or realising.

Keep making those escape plans and try to safely read a book by Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” if it’s possible without him seeing it. Can’t stress enough the importance of him not finding out that you are planing/thinking of escaping.

Keep posting whenever you need to. I’m sure you’ll get some great advice and support on here.

Take care xx

[Peppa]

Thank you! I will do my reading. It is very confusing the fact that he can behave absolutely normal for a wile, making me think that the problem is not there. I have noticed a pattern on his outburst. Everytime I am not feeling well( ex before period) and I sit down in bed more for a break he gets mad that I have my phone with me. Last time he just took the mobile and throw it away.

[Dragonfly]

Sounds to me like it’s starting. I’m glad you recognise that this is not normal behaviour. I would also urge you to talk to the helpline.

Take care x

[Lightness]

Peppa
Can you think of other red flags from earlier in the relationship that you maybe dismissed? It may not be the start – it may just be the start of you NOTICING.
How was it at the beginning when you first met? Lots of love bombing? Lots of attention?

Hurting you and shouting at you is unacceptable.

x

[Serenity]

Hi Peppa,

I am glad you have reached out for help.

My ex would show similar, sudden explosions of rage out of the blue, only so now realise it wasn’t out of the blue: he could be relied upon to explode or become nasty when So dared to try to relax, or ask him to look after the kids whilst I did something for myself.

My taking baths was something that seemed to make him angry. I’d be there trying to relax and control my body pain from my illness, after being at work all day, and he’d be looking like he would bust with hatred because I was daring to take care of my own needs.

Mi am so glad that you can recognise the unhealthy nature of hisbrhsviour and that you have received wisdom and support here. I wish so had been able to reach out when I was in a similar position : I ended up minimising his behaviour and even berating myself for dating to think I had a right to relax or bathe.

[lilaclady]

Hi Peppa this sounds the same as my husband explosive anger fits when things don’t go his way or becoming nasty and in the end I am always to blame for what has happened. It’s got more and more over the years and worse since we had our son. I am so glad you are posting here and have started to make plans. I have too and posting on here helped me a huge amount. Also reading those books is great I have done that too it opened my eyes to this abuse and knowledge is power. Keep posting and look after yourself x*x

[Peppa]

Serenity, yes he does seem to be upset when I want to have some time for me. Like all my life needs to be only about him.

[Peppa]

Reading the book Why does he do that now and it is like eyes are loosing the fog. God keep me strong as I start to identify so many signs of him beeing an abuser. Although he is not phisical and is not often but he will have an eppisode like once a month for the last few months. He had some bad episodes when we were dating( controling the way I used to dress, getting upsed if the coffe run out

[Recovery]

Hi

I’m new here too. It’s abuse in whichever angle you look at it. I had no idea until I had nervous break down and left the house for a few days. It’s now (detail removed by Moderator) I haven’t seen him or talked to him. But his verbal and mental abuse continued on emails and texts until I finally realized the situation I’m in thanks to friends pointed out. As newly married person I’m still struggling to let go and in shock of how and why I let myself in this mess. Highly recommend to get help from
Friends you can trust, talking helps and read, read, read about emotional, verbal abuse, how to set boundaries and how to stop the abuse. Reading opened a new door to my life and make me feel strong.please Get a kindle application on your phone (free) and sign up to 30 days free memberships in amazon kindle and read as much as you can about it. I can guarantee you will start to realize what’s happening and you are not alone. I told my husband I want zero contact last few weeks and that allowed me to get my power back and now ready to face him and his insults, I now he will continue till he gets me back. Please Get counseling too. It really helps a lot. Be strong. Realizing the problem is a huge step already, the rest is self education, seeking support x

[Mimosa]

Hi

This all sounds so familiar! It’s ok to have a quick shower because that’s functional. I can’t think when I last dared to have a bath! Of course he can wuth music, insense sticks, the works! I didn’t notice til I read these posts so thanks for sharing.

This weekend we were in the kitchen cooking and he grabbed me and kissed me and said ‘I want to c**e on your t***’. I am physically nearly sick and cry (but have learned to disguise it) if I am intimate with him so I tried to fob him off with a joke, saying ‘Oh well! You’re only human!’ He replied ‘No. I’m your husband, I’m entitled’. I replied ‘No you’re not!!!’. That was a mistake. He went wild shouting and swearing, listing all the many ways I fail him as a wife. Red faced, spitting as he moved his lips, cold eyes then he grabbed an egg and threw it near me. I was shocked by his words, and the things he does to ‘seduce’!!! me make a lot more sense. I seldom dare to say no thanks when i really don’t want to. Now I know a little more about his twisted thinking. Knowledge is power! Although he was mean for most of the weekend to make me pay for standing up to him when he didn’t expect it! I also left the egg for him to clear up which he did, making a point how clean things were after ge’d done it. Marvellous!

Mimosa

[KIP.]

Mimosa, that bit about he egg is a great example of how they turn their abusive dysfunctional dangerous behaviour into doing you a favour by cleaning it up. Through all my decades of abuse it’s the mind games they play that do the most damage. The confusion, twisting, manipulating and passing the blame and guilt. It’s really hard to explain but you’ve give a great example. I’ve been out for over two years now and it’s really taken me that long to come close to understanding and being able to articulate his behaviour. Shocking that someone you love and you think loves you in return can be that abusive. And they know exactly what they are doing x

[Author]

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