Shut up

[nbumblebee]

Do you ever feel like now its time to just shut up?
Ive talked on here I have a counsellor and a PT who tries to help Ive spoken about most of what ive been through and am going through. Ive listened to advise but I feel stuck.
Im getting nowhere.
Yes ive done lots with regards to work dispite his moaning and continious ways to stop me work is going great and yes I love what I do with all my heart but it doesnt make me feel any better inside, it doesnt make me feel any less pants.
I am sad and no matter what I do I cant shift it.
I feel like I shouldnt be wasting these proffessionals time that I should just go it alone but that thought fills me with utter fear and dread. I have messed up my life and I dont know how to un mess it.
I feel like now I should just shut up smile be grateful for what I do have.
Anyone else feel this way?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Yes nbumblebee I get this, this is me too right now, or has been for a while.

I know what I need to do to resolve the problem so to speak but ‘stuck’

As you say I feel like what’s the point in reaching out, if I’m not able to do anything to change things then I sound like a cracked record, repeating the same old Noah’s and groans.

My last post on here was exactly that.

I hope somebody can offer some positive advice for you.

I will say, for you, maybe you just need to take a moment to recharge as you have moved along so well recently. You’ve make alit of changes mentally and in you life in general.

Truly believe you will make more changes but it does take time and energy. So be kind to yourself.

You come across a very kind and string person.

Look after yourself, keep posting as ever post on here from all of us helps each other if only to know and if nothing rose we are not alone. Your posts for me st times have really helped and you and others too are inspiring.

Take care, hugs CB X

[nbumblebee]

Thanks chocolate bunnie Sometimes we just need a hug right even if its a virtual one. Thank you x

[tiredofitall]

As someone who stayed for a long time, I get it. I was stuck – emotionally not strong enough to do anything about my life. And ashamed of myself for being weak.
I didn’t know I was ready until I was. I didn’t plan but I’d subconsciously focused on work and got myself into a good position so I could support myself financially. Would I have made the choice to leave if I couldn’t do that – I’m not sure if I’m honest. Relying on other people to help, having to fight him to help support – all of that felt impossible. But being able to say I don’t want this and I don’t need your help was empowering.
Don’t shut up. Keep talking and getting support – you need it to stop you going under. If you never leave then so that’s your choice but don’t stop allowing people to support you. You do deserve that.

[nbumblebee]

Thanks @tiredofitall I just feel so low today so lonely so sad really just sad.
I cant seem to open up as much as i want to as much and those professionals try I cant seem to do it and then after my appointment I often message them saying what i want which they dont mind but I still panic and worry about what ive said why they dont respond its just a constant hive of anxiety.
Just a bad day I guess Thanks for your reply it really helped x*x

[Littlenightmare]

Hi nbumblebee,

Apparently when we’re truly healed we won’t feel the need to inform everyone of the ‘truth’ and let everyone know what’s really happened to us.

I look forward to the day when the past will truly be the past and not effect the present so much.

I think honestly, it sounds like you still need the help for now and that’s okay. One day the past really will be the past and you’ll get there.

You’re doing amazing, best of luck. x

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee

You have to do what feels right for you.

Sometimes, it feels right to take a break from the support and give yourself time to process.This has worked really well for me. I work on it, process, rest and repeat.

I am out of the relationship though. My concern for you is that if you suspend support, even for a short while, there is a danger that you’ll end of crushed under the ever turning wheel of abuse.

You are in such a different place these days and your are gaining independence but you are still extremely vulnerable. Your support systems are a safety net, a reality check that help you to keep your eyes wide open to what is going on.

If you lose that support, there’s a danger that you’ll just get pulled further back into the fog.

Don’t make any snap decisions hon. Perhaps talk to your counsellor about it next time. xx

[nbumblebee]

You are right Im scared if I stop there wont be anyone there saying this is not ok this is not right.
I guess i just had a bad day.
I always look towards the bad side never towards whats good naybe i need to take a breath and see what I have done.
Its hard when he belittles every move i make.
Thank you as always eggshells xx

[Twisted Sister]

hi there, I think you know, just as well as anyone here, how very hard it is to make that break in whatever form you need.

As CB said, you have been making huge strides in your personal development.

Sometimes this quiet deep sadness can be part of the bigger change. Just sit with it and try to be patient with yourself. Let it be, let your sadness through, its ok, it needs you and you it. Like all things, this will pass. Don’t ever forget what you can achieve when you have control of your life back, and don’t feel scared. I hope the interactions you have had over time are helping you to realise that you are no doing anything wrong, but I really do get how hard that is to shake off.

Hugs from me too. TS

[Twisted Sister]

*and no longer feel scared (not ‘dont feel scared’ as that sounds like I am saying you must’ve feel scared)

*not (doing anything wrong)

[nbumblebee]

@Twistedsister Thank you I guess it was just a bad day I felt so alone so at a loss. I couldnt talk to my PT as Im afraid to cry but I did message him and he said I need to believe there are good people in the world that want to help and I need to let them help.
That I need to stop panicing when I do talk thats its ok to share or not that this is my story to tell. That helped as did your words but its so hard to see how far youve cone the good youve done when they are there along side you making you feel worthless. I had good news at work and he had great news we shared his but not mine now he wants to go out and celebrate his news tonight and said now he needs ne at home and that he has allowed me to work but now its gotta stop. Each day gets harder and harder but trying to see the positive I gusss im getting stronger as I see what he is doing now. Thank you again xxxx

[Everhopeful321]

This is me all over @nbumblebee sometimes I wish I’d never started to realise what was going on, never talked to anyone, never had it pointed out to me because now I have a constant nag in my head and feel so stupid that I don’t do anything about it. But reading on here, I’m not the only one, there is always hope, as you once said it’s about chipping away at bricks xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you isnt it hard Its like I wanna forget one day go back to living a lie it was so much easier when I didnt see but I also love my job part I love not having to ask to buy a jumper or whatever I love not having to have sex if I need to buy something for the kids or house.
It consumes my every waking moment and drives me mad.
It hurts doesnt it sweetie.
Know what though we got eachother to help us through and everyone else on here too so all we can do os keep climbing I guess keep removing those b****y bricks x*x
Sending you much love n hugs x

[gettingtired]

I felt like this on and off all the time towards the end. Like I was a burden and just wasting people’s time whilst wallowing in my own misery. Like my situation wasn’t really that bad else I’d have left a long time ago. I think you really need to take a step back and look at what (and how much) you’ve achieved in such a short space of time. Remember, there was a time on here when you wouldn’t even consider ever even contemplating the thought of leaving or even having your own job. The opportunities and offers you’ve had have been amazing, you should be so proud of yourself! I know it’s that deep inner sadness of feeling like you’ve messed up your life and that it’s all too late but it is never, ever too late. I know that’s exactly what you’d be telling anyone else too. Please keep leaning on that support as you absolutely deserve it and you need those reminders that this isn’t all in your head. And please try to show that same kindness you show to everyone else to yourself 🙂 xx

[nbumblebee]

@gettingtired as always Thank you for your support.
I guess im still fighting what I see and people around me tell me all the time what it really is and I still try and fight it.
Some days i think its better to not see that id be happier going back but I think its now too late I can never unsee un know so i guess now foward is the only way. Xxxxx

[Aerialcircus]

Yep I 100% feel like this
😔

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