Sibling never stands up to abusive parent

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I’ve posted about my mom before. To recap, throughout my life she’s always treated me differently than my siblings & when I’ve called her out on it she’s said I was crazy, too sensitive, imagining things or misremembering things. She was quite helpful in many ways when I was trying to get out of my abusive marriage. There were other times when she would criticize me and I found it all so disturbing and confusing given that she is an abuse survivor herself. The final straw for me was when she said, in front of my kids, that she had supported me during the times my ex was beating on me. I thought it was such a nasty thing to say in front of my children especially!

Ever since then I haven’t looked at her the same. I’ve gone to my sibling throughout the years to tell them about some of the things my mother has done or said to me, but their position is always that they don’t want to get involved, don’t want to choose sides and don’t know “who to believe”…as if I’m some crazy person who is just making this all up! It’s infuriating because I have ALWAYS advocated for and stood up for my siblings when I felt they were being mistreated by my mom or anyone else, yet they refuse to do it for me.

My mom has always treated this particular sibling better than me. I guess I’m wondering, does my sibling not want to stand up for me because they are enjoying their position as the golden child? I just don’t get it. It’s hard for me to feel close to them when I tell them about the things my mom is doing or saying to me and my sibling will say “hang in there” or something like that but not actually do anything. My mom highly values their opinion so I know if they told my mom to back off she would listen to them. I don’t get it.

[minimeerkat]

since ending an abusive relationship & seeking help/support, the word n**********c was mentioned. it soon became clear that the reason i had ended up in this relationship was due to my mothers abuse all my life – she is n**********c. i can only describe myself as the ‘scapegoat’ & am an only child, but i think when it comes to these types of families all siblings are treated completely differently – this treatment even changing from good to bad & from sibling to sibling. i should think your sibling does not want to risk any change to how their parent treats them – they certainly wouldnt want to risk being treated the way they see you treated. must be really really difficult for you to have any genuine bond & trust with your sibling. in fact they are lucky that you have still felt ok about them especially you being willing to defend them. because i think the whole point of the different ways you are treated is supposed to cause conflict, distrust etc. perhaps your sibling in their heart really does empathize & want to help but is too concerned about any consequences. my heart goes out to you because all you want is someone who has got your back, someone who loves you enough to stick up for you & defend you. sorry i cannot help you much with this. perhaps there are others who have experienced this type of problem & can help you more. am sending you the biggest hug though x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much for your kind response! It really was so helpful to know that someone else can understand where I’m coming from. I did something recently that I’m really proud of. I told my siblings that I will no longer seek out their help when my mom says abusive things to me because I now accept that they will never defend me the way I have always defended them. I let them know I love them, but that I’m hurt that they never seem to believe me or feel moved to stand up for me when our mother says harmful/hurtful things to me. I let them know that I now fully accept that they will never come to my aid in that way but that I will be ok in spite of that. Moving forward, when my mom says hurtful or abusive things to me I will deal with it on my own. It felt good to say that to them. I feel freer.

[Lqobs]

As someone who was the ‘golden child’ in my family dynamic I wanted to share that I view all children of N parent/s are abused. It may look different but it’s abuse.
i also empathise because my sister was the scape goat and I sadly did deny for a while as a young kid, teen and early adulthood her view about not being loved like I was. I didn’t do this because I feared losing the “good” treatment as trust me when I say I never ever felt I got “good treatment”. In fact I didn’t notice it because I was in my own hell and torment barely surviving. I also, felt a huge sense of guilt and shame at the thought that I was being treated “better” in some way. Because of the dynamic and the way the abuse works the golden child is almost groomed to believe in the N/abusive parents reality. All that matters to an N parent is supply and which ever child in that moment will give them what they want. Which is to go along with everything the N parent says.
In my Case I had some years without a sibling which meant I was already exposed by the time a sibling lived with us. I also was more vulnerable to demands for reasons I can’t state as may identify.
I wish I had stood up to my N parent more, for myself and for my sibling. But I also forgive myself because I was a child who grew up in abuse too, and was groomed to not have my own reality, sense of self or have autonomy over myself. In effect I was a mini me of N parent. Hoping to be loved. But never “achieving” this.
I think the boundary you’ve put in with them is a great thing to do. Hard I bet?
hopefully it will help you feel you’re taking your power back.
me and my sibling to this day have troubles but we both have boundaries in places. Because whilst I feel I let her down with her treatment from N parent, she harbours some resentment for me at how I was treated. Things have been better for us since we were able to speak more openly, as for many years she resented me due to thinking I had a “good” “great” and “loving” childhood as the “golden child”.
it’s another sad tactic of an N parent to divide siblings so they are easier to control. Often putting them against each other in subtle ways.

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