Signed the lease, bought all new furnishings. And i am being drawn back.. HELP

[Confusedgirl]

I signed the lease (detail removed by Moderator) ago, cried daily, heart broken, walking around the new house in a daze. Put off buying and getting it ready as i was so unsure.
Any attempts at conversations have ended up in huge rows, nothing has been resolved, he has called me
A s**t mum
Cold
Heartless
Don’t give a f**k about the kids
Ive sexually neglected him as we haven’t had sex much the last few months
I haven’t even tried to make the marriage work
I dived and got a house and now im sorry, so its all my fault

for (detail removed by Moderator) he has hounded me for sex, constant remarks, getting into my bed, trying to put his hand in my pants, begging for sex, asking can we stay f**k buddies.
Told me “I think you just need a good seeing to” when i was depressed after crying all day

I have lost a stone, i am tiny to begin with, look a mess from all the crying, but he is in the gym, sunbeds, not really seeming to care

Then (detail removed by Moderator) we argued again, as he will not take blame, cannot see my side at all, is adamant its all me, im cold, He is hurt, he has been trying, I wanted this so why am i crying so much???

The house is nearly ready, my parents have helped me so much BUT i want to stay 🙁 I want to give the keys back and stay here.. WHY???

i am in physical pain, the thought of not being with him. But i was so unhappy, so why am i suffering do much? My parents will be so hurt if i leave this house go now, after all they have seen me go through the last (detail removed by Moderator).

I dont feel strong enough, i feel weak and like i need him, even though its so toxic now.

Hes back to being nice, he loves me, i am amazing again today

(detail removed by Moderator)

Please help, should i stay? xxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi Confusedgirl

It sounds like you are trauma bonded and co-dependent. Perhaps you also fear that step into the unknown? What your are feeling is really normal. Abusers are skilled at making us feel safe whilst also making us terrified and miserable. Having abused you, he will then be there to offer comfort and trauma bonds are formed.

I’m afraid that no-one else can tell you what you should do. However, a skilled practitioner can help you to understand what is best for you.

I made a list of all the reasons I should stay and all the reasons I should go. I had far more reasons to stay but I still left because looking at the list, I knew that the 2 reasons to go far outweighed the gravity of the many reasons to stay.

Right now, you may be feeling terrified. He senses he is in danger of losing you so he is playing nice. Once he feels that he has you secure again, the abuse will return.

[Needtoclarify]

Hi Confusedgirl

Please don’t doubt yourself, take time to write down all the reasons why you got to the stage of getting the keys. Remind yourself however painful and scary to admit. Ask yourself how many times you’ve stuck around for the hope/promise of change, which trust me, will never come.

I can relate to you so much, speaking from experience, if you stay you will loathe yourself for it and it will affect the environment you’re providing for your children psychologically. He will continue to disappoint. Listen to your family, they aren’t under the veil of manipulation and are the people who have the best interests for you and your kids.

I agree with Eggshells, you are stuck in the cycle and trauma bonding but this feeling will dissolve if only you can find the bravery and strength to push through. He’s probably confusing you and love bombing but it won’t be long before you see the real him again and regret doubting the positive change you sought. Yes, it is scary to go into the unknown but you’ll come out the other side stronger.

You will never get better in the environment that is making you ill. Remove toxic from your life and see the opportunities slowly open up to you. Your future will then be exciting.

Be brave x

[Bananaboat]

No no no you should not stay. Look at your post with fresh eyes, he’s putting all the blame onto you, he’s watching your pain and not helping, he’s forcing sex onto you – is this how you want to live? As others have said you are trauma bonded, you’re experiencing guilt of leaving, your body is addicted to the hormonal responses of the highs and lows. Stop arguing with him, walk away, he’s never going to see or accept your view.

You need some space from him for the fog to lift & chains to break. Forget his words and watch his actions. My ex did the whole he’d stop this/that, he loved me, our family was his priority etc and when I looked at his actions I realised it was all rubbish. Watch your kids too – are they happy, do they show signs of anxiety when he’s angry, do they worry about playing too loudly etc – next Christmas will it be happy or stressful if you stay.

You are stronger than you know and deserve not to be called all these awful things – we put up with it for so long we forget that. Watch Dr Ramani on YouTube she helped me immensely on the bad days xx

[searchingforhope]

i feel your pain so much. I’m exactly where you are. Have keys, deposit paid but need to tell him again and kids.

I know in my gut I want to go, but in so many ways it feels I’m tied to him and keep getting pulled back or just can’t break free. I wish you find the stength as much and more than I do. No one deserves to feel this way.

The replies above are so useful, thank you.

Like you I’ve great support behind me, but it is definitely like searching through fog to find the way through. I like you feel very lost right now and I wish I had the answers. It’s such a lonely place to be, no matter what support you have doesn’t it?

Sending you love and strength

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