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Free for over a year and things have settled a bit. I still have (detail removed by moderator) to come but contact has lessened and visits with the children settled.
So why do I feel so down. I’ve trued speaking to my councillor but just don’t want her to think I’m depressed, but I feel so utterly lonely. At times I think it’s male company I miss but then my friends try get me to make an effort to meet someone and I freak out. Just feel I have nothing to look forward to and then feel so guilty as I should be grateful for two healthy children and a house and my freedom.
Just don’t know anymore -
Hi, a year isn’t a long time in recovery. What you’re feeling is normal and your therapist needs to know. She can help you with this. That’s what she’s there for. I was told to write down three positive things every day. It helps keep your mind positive. So you could meet a friend, watch a funny movie with the kids and maybe treat yourself to a bubble bath. For me it could be making it to the shops, opening the mail and cooking a meal. Anything you feel is positive. I felt very alone in the early days. I think because all our time and headspace is taken up with our abuser when we are with them, when we leave we have all this headspace and time and it’s unsettling. But as time goes by you relearn to fill that time with good things that you enjoy. It’s a slow process but it does get better. Abuse strips us of self esteem and confidence, memory, positive thought processes. All that can be rebuilt. Meantime just take baby steps and be very kind to yourself. There is no rush to hit the clubs and discos lol. Lots of time for that when you’re ready x
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I agree. I found I had a big gaping hole and space and the loneliness feeling was hard. But believe me it does pass. This must be a normal part of recovery and the only way out is through. Don’t beat yourself up for not being more grateful for what you do have. It is still early days yet for you and it really does get better and the lonely spaces and feelings diminish and get less and less and get filled with positive things. Thing is you can’t rush this phase of recovery you just have to get support, as you have done, on the days when its particularly hard:)
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Hey, its hard to be with people and yet being with people is sometimes what we need hey. It’s a tough one, when motivation is low or gone completely.
Guess it’s important to try and recognise when you do feel able and when what you actually really need today is to be with folk – so you make that happen. Maybe you’ve noticed it can feel like a struggle at first but usually we do feel better once we’ve seen a friend, been to a class, took the dog out, bought and made a healthy meal, a smoothie, spoken on the phone, whatever it is for you.
However, this is a loss, so time on your own, with the removal of pressures, not taking stuff on for others, time to please yourself, go easy on yourself, with reflection when needed is all part of it and what you need also – while you adjust to what the hell just happened over the last few years.
Often we feel lonely as we have no one to relate to with regard to what’s happened to us, which is why reaching out on the forum and to WAs is so helpful, or any helper really, as we can talk about what we are going through – kind of frees us up to be with friends as well, but most importantly it meets are emotional needs.
Usually there’s quite a bit of sorting out and doing to be done in the first year and your focusing on getting through and on the children. Now things have settled you are left with your loss, how you feel and what it all means to you. Try to discuss this with your counsellor, you will get a lot more out of therapy if you can be open with your feelings; sadly, sometimes it’s those excrutiating feelings that are the ones we really need to express, need to come out really – wont be anywhere near as terrible as you imagine, never is – we always make it bigger, it always feels bigger on the inside than on the out.
If you feel low in mood that is ok, this is where you are just now, tbh this is very normal and to be expected really – be with how you feel, acknowledge your feelings, it’s really kind of important we all do.
A new man doesn’t fill the gap, this gap needs filling with the things you like to do, the places you want to go, being with the people you want to be with, work maybe, and daily self care. The life you want now, maybe you havent quite worked out how you’d like that to be yet, maybe now it’s about figuring that out and focusing on one thing, what do I want next? What would I like to accomplish this week for me – one thing. I imagine there are things you would like to do, things you’ve been meaning to get round to doing but never have, maybe now you can?
Loss feels like trying to wade through mud sometimes, somedays you cant do a thing and other days there may be a small window to do something – make this year all about you, what is it I want to do next?
Hope there’s some bits in all of that you can pull out that make sense to you. Keep posting as often as you need x
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Thank you ladies
I’ve been advised to do the positive/thankful statements each morning but so far the book is empty. My councillor asked me what makes me happy? What do I enjoy? But I just can’t think of anything anymore? It’s fine in the day, my mask is still on, but at night when the kids are asleep and I’m alone I just feel so numb and empty
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When the kids are asleep. You have the joy of your children. Smell their hair. Record them laugh. You can get through this phase, it will pass. Maybe get the kids to help you with one positive thing each day. You can do this. For so long our happiness depended on the mood of our abuser. If we got too happy, he would pull the rug. Well he can’t pull that rug anymore. There’s your positive thought for today. 💐 and here’s some flowers to show you’re special and deserve nice things in your life. Keep going x
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