Sleep deprived

[Catjam]

He does so love depriving me of sleep. Nightmares, he’s ill, he wants sex, his anxiety is terrible.
I suffer from migraines and one of my triggers is sleep loss. It’s usually because he wants sex, if I say no or fall asleep he keeps nudging me. (Detail removed by moderator) I told him I wasn’t comfortable being intimate until he got help.
I try to get it that he no longer sees me undressed but he has turned into some weird peeping tom but more obvious. He gets up for work late so we have to get ready in the same room. Silly things.
At the weekend I had probably an hours sleep because he wanted sex, normally I would give in but I refused. Then the  (detail removed by moderator) it’s been nightmares, apparently I am having an affair. He knows it’s not true but it still makes him feel unwell. Although this is a recent change, before he would be angry for days. (Detail removed by moderator) months ago I would have spent days pacifying him But I no longer do that anymore.
I have decided I am going to sort a bed for the spare room so if he starts I will sleep up there. He will follow me but I need to start being firm.
I read an article on sleep deprivation being used as a weapon by these people. It was quite shocking how much of it resonated with me.

[KIP.]

My ex did this too. You’re treating the symptoms not the cause. Which is what I did. Instead of ending the relationship because I was scared, eventually I put a Lock on my bedroom door to keep him out. And he raped me. Depriving someone of sleep until theY agree is rape. Sex should be given freely without coercion or fear of the consequences or its rape. Look a Thames Valley video called a cup of tea. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and they know exactly what they’re doing. This kind of abuse is insidious. When I look back I can’t believe I lived like that. We had separate rooms but as soon as I heard the floor boards creek in the morning I’d jump up and get down stairs. I lived in fear of him coming into my room which he often did very early in the morning when I was groggy and tired. It will destroy your mental health living like this. Talk to women’s aid about your options. Abuse always gets worse x

[Catjam]

Lived like this for years now, I would know when he was building up to it so would usually just instigate sex to get it over and done with. I don’t think I’m afraid of him in that respect but even now I rarely complain about the lack of sleep.
But I read your post this morning and it stayed with me all day. I have been really firm in saying no to being intimate these last few months but will he not stop one night and claim he was asleep. I remember it happening years ago, just remembering has made me feel sick. The times I have cried while he slept after, I told him that a while back and he was shocked. But is it all acting?

[KIP.]

Yes I’m afraid it’s all one big act. They are great actors and liars. You absolutely know when someone doesn’t want sex. Have a look at Thames Valley Police video called A cup of Tea. I used to cry myself to sleep afterwards too and wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. If he’s saying he slept through sex with you he’s lying again. My ex would tell me the most ridiculous things but I was so traumatised and brain washed by him that I believed him, it’s only when we are free from their cruel manipulation that we realised what liars they really are. Mine used to say he was angry because I didn’t give him enough sex. That his privates were sore because I didn’t give him enough sex. They he could only be satisfied with full sex because any other method and he couldn’t be satisfied. I’m trying to be gentle here with my words but I think you can imagine. Talk to rape crisis helpline or women’s aid. You’re not alone in this and this kind of sexual abuse is very common in domestic abuse especially as the relationship progresses, so does the abuse x

[Catjam]

I think I knew deep down. So many times have I felt cheap and degraded. Even if I told him I didn’t like something he would go on about it. Or just tell me how boring our sex life was and how we needed to do more of a thing.
I understand people like different things but things I asked for he just wouldn’t do.
After so many years I wonder how much damage has been done to my mental health.

[KIP.]

My mental health was destroyed and I was left with depression anxiety and PTSD but you can recover from this. Slowly and with help. Are you keeping a journal? It might help to make sense of things. Abuse is insidious. We minimise and normalise as a coping mechanism. My PTSD came when I tried to reconcile the abuse with the feelings that it wasn’t abuse. That conflict is destructive and needs to be dealt with patiently and with care x

[KIP.]

Don’t underestimate the physical effects of abuse. The migraines. I had a headache for two years, an overactive thyroid, heart palpitations, constant aches and pains, unable to sleep. Since I got rid of him the physical side has vastly improved x

[Catjam]

I have kept a journal sporadically but never properly wrote it because I was worried he would find it. I feel stronger now than I did, refusing to be intimate certainly took some pressure off. I just know things will never be as they were. I still feel numb.

[KIP.]

It’s shocking to realise the truth and will take a while to come to terms. Just take baby steps and be kind to yourself. Once your eyes are opened for me there was no going back. When I understand he did these things to me deliberately and calculated it shocked me to the core. No wonder we live in denial as the truth is too much to bare x you will now recognise his coercive behaviour more and more x

[Catjam]

Thank you Kip. Your kind words and always just being there gives me hope xx

[KIP.]

💕

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